Is It Live Or Is It Memorex?

[pixel]

He doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for his diabetes, so he passes the buck to you. If something goes wrong, he has someone to blame (you're becoming the scapegoat, when really he is the only person responsible for his own health & wellbeing).

there's another of those pesky double binds

It appears this is what's happening here @shimmerz

Take care honey, you would do well to set up clear boundaries.

 

[shimmerz]

Hmm. Scapegoat (check) Double Bind (check). Thanks pixel, this is helpful. At least I realize now that I can see it when it is coming. I hadn't thought of the scapegoat thing, but I suppose that is true.

I need to stay the course (my own course) and let come what may.... come.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Absolutely!!!! By not doing anything for him, (health related) it forces him to become responsible for his own health, and then he has no one to blame but himself.

 

[scout86]

I always wondered about how he reacted to you and the pancreatitis. Because his reaction seemed kind of out of character for the way he usually seems to react. Just like it does now.

I haven't got a clue what's going on, but I'd be willing to bet this all relates to some sort of family script that's playing out for him and with him. That stuff doesn't only happen in OUR families, you know?

So, how to deal with it? How would you want someone to deal with it if it was you? I get that his issues aren't your issues. They are still issues and they are still real, for him. I don't have any answers, I'm just suggesting places you might find insights. The answers are in the 'Supporters Forum". You love him? Then you want to help. Some things will be more helpful than others, and that will depend on him and the situation. You also at some point need to look out for yourself. (This is an opportunity to learn new stuff!)

 

[Abstract]

I agree with the double bind stuff and the scapegoat stuff too. I too thought of both when I read earlier. That doesn't mean he intends any of that of course. He is just reacting to his stuff. But you are still sitting with it and are on the receiving end. You are right that the most important thing here is looking at what is best for you and what is safe for you. In the context I am guessing of trying to save this relationship if its going to be good for you. For you.

The trouble with being involved when someone is refusing to take responsibility is that it often leaves them an out to continue to not take any responsibility. Like Shecat mentioned. Sometimes if you are helping them along then enough sinks in and they can change track but often it stops them from having to confront the denial and lack of responsibility. Feeling the weight of that responsibility can sometimes click something into action. How likely that is depends a lot on what he is fighting with internally. While one is waiting for that to happen or not there can of course be a lot of damage done but I'm not sure if there is any way to avoid that. You can't do this forever and he has to take over control at some point regardless.

I don't know the history of your relationship and the pancreatitus incident of course and so could be getting much wrong because I'm not seeing the nuances.

You need to reach inside yourself and think what is going to be best for you here. Short and longer term. The good thing is that if you decide you can change your mind later on. Little is absolute in this life. If you decide you would like to stay then it sounds to me that going down the same road you have been travelling isn't an option. His aggression and reactions are making you unwell. That leaves either stepping back and staying in some form or leaving in some form. ?

If it was me(and its not!) (and of course guessing at all the dynamics here) I would probably write him a letter to try to get through to him a little better. I would say how I love him and want health and happiness for him and me. How that won't change but how I can no longer take responsibility for this and for him. That I will be there to help if he wants me to but he has to take hold of the reigns. That I can't and will not accept the aggression or other stuff directed at me and my health cannot take it. That I will have to leave if it continues but don't want that. That I am not sure what is happening for him but it seems complex deep and linked to his family and I hope he finds the courage to start dealing with it. Dealing with it doesn't have to all happen in one go and can be done in tiny bite size pieces. It can be more doable than he may think. That I am now stepping away and hope he can please take care of himself or ask for help as I would like him to still be around in the near future. Maybe handing him a book on dealing with denial and diabetes?

I would then step away.

If you decide leaving is your only option then there may be more than one way of leaving. It may not be necessary to break things off entirely. If you feel you need to though then do.

I think posting here in the supporters section like scout mentioned is a great idea.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I'm hearing and listening with great concern. Working on some input. The time pattern issue I would put aside, not dismissing at all. It is the health of both of you that is primary. Unless you think your time pattern is at play in assessing and reacting to the situation. It does not read that way to me. Co incidence.

Losing mobility is a life changer. Is he processing that reality at all? What have been the outcomes of the other family member diabetes and impact? Remembering some of your early posts on moving there and the family food issues, particularly his mother (mac and cheese….). Care for yourself, offer to share your healthy diet, assist as you can when asked, otherwise hand responsibility back to him. Here (if you want to be) for you, ask and if possible I will do what I can to be of assistance. However you are the boss of you (not the boss of me).

 

[shimmerz]

Because his reaction seemed kind of out of character for the way he usually seems to react. Just like it does now.

Yes. I am certain I am working with a different aspect of himself. I know that he is such a great supporter because he has literally remade himself from one lifestyle to another (consciously) around the time I met him. We were friends then (for about 5 years). I was not involved in his diet at all.

He actually trained me to come to his house - every day 3 times a day at least for a year he would tell me to come to his house. He was incredibly patient and kind. Then it was our house. When I realized he was eating as he was I explained that I was not going to be involved and in the midnight hour he flipped over and we got him down to normal blood levels.

Then he went to CA before me. Took him 2 weeks to do a total flip. He was angry, wanted the food he wanted and that was burgers and pizza. Again, I wouldn't do it. I suppose my body noticed the situation I was in more than I did and took me down.

This is making more sense to me now.

And here I am again. *heavy sigh*

Will the drama ever stop?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@shimmerz The drama will stop when you put a stop to it.....

 

[shimmerz]

The drama will stop when you put a stop to it.....

Well, yes, to an extent. This has a potential to lead to a set of crossroads again. Which leads to heavy symptomology which causes drama. I wish it was so neat as to say I can just put an end to it with any decision that needs to be made.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@shimmerz it's not really about making decisions and everything will be fine. It's about making and keeping strong boundaries. Boundaries are to keep us safe, they aren't punishment for the other person. They work to keep us at an emotional distance when we get too involved when we really shouldn't be. Putting down boundaries also free us up from focusing on someone else so that we can work on ourselves, where the focus really should be.

Again, it comes down to everyone needs to take care of themselves, and give help to others when asked for help...

 

[shimmerz]

You need to reach inside yourself and think what is going to be best for you here. Short and longer term.

Yes, this is a tough one. I am not in an empowered position, to say the least, so most things are very abstract (pardon the pun) to me at this point. I am in a province that I don't know, no idea of even the social system care system here. I will have to look into this more deeply than i have.

The good thing is that the nurse has been here and with all of his huffing and puffing about it before he seemed to take it well. His thoughts were that he just wanted me to do it but between the nurse and I we seemed to get across to him the value of the tools and knowledge they have in comparison to what I have.

This thread is really helping me 'remember' what has happened in the past with this and hold onto it. I have honestly, been walking around like Queen Sheist this afternoon around him. He knows this mode and that I don't take any guff.

What I am recognizing about my part in all of this is that I must hold no attachment to the outcome (of any of it). Just be prepared. I won't try to manipulate situations. Just observe and make the moves I need to. That will provide me the the empowerment necessary to follow through with whatever I need to do.

 

[shimmerz]

Again, it comes down to everyone needs to take care of themselves, and give help to others when asked for help...

Yes, understood. I think I was referencing the fact that after literally years of being homeless I had finally found a place to call home. Just realized that I won't be able to work. Boundaries or not, I have a real problem (the drama) if I am out on the streets again. It is just interesting that this is November (again) which is typically a time that I have these types of issues.

I am not meaning to be crusty and splitting hairs, I just have a thing these days about having people providing neat answers for an extremely complex and chronic problem that ties into my traumas. Homelessness is no joke, and I don't want those reading this thread to take on that there is a simple fix for it. And really, that is what is looming ahead of me (again) when I stick to my boundaries. Which is EXACTLY what got me homeless during the initial trauma.

Sorry SheCat, ranting but not at you. I was actually enjoying life in a warm place.