I didn't think she would lose interest so quick.
Kirill, We can't be certain that she has.
Now are you ready Kirill, to read near a Chapter? :oops: If so, continue, ...(LOL)
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What I'm meaning to say is that IMO, she's Presently not ably interested; Perhaps she trusts that she cannot, at the time being, sustain such an interest without some personal and emotional, scary consequences.
Kirill, Girls that have been abused by an abusive man likely have a head and heart full of fear and insecurity, even as the appear to be brave. Often, there are emotional scars and distorted, distrusting, fearful ways of processing things and making decisions, many of which are imposing and result from the abuses and any unmanaged Ptsd.
Sometimes the intense fear and anxiety resulting, ...produced by first the abuse, then next the negative self-talk of Ptsd, can cause one to believe damaging stories about the present which are invented out of past trauma/abuse;
Greater general distrust and that struggle to separate the past abuse/abuser from present reality is a feat in itself to endure and overcome. And, can cause us to be afraid of many things said, done, or suggested and even afraid of
ourselves.
If or when these fears get too overpowering, it wouldn't matter at all what the Ptsd sufferer really wants.
Some of us believe they need to run. While others are determined to take care and control of themselves. Still others will go to any lengths to forget, and there are those too that while in much conflict, have walked right back to their abusers. Sometimes a dance with, and/or trying on all such approaches for a period of time.
After such abuses and trauma we know we need real help, but are not always easily able to find such. And, sometimes the help we think we've found is not help at all and only perpetuates the distortions in our self perceptions and the world.
In fact some of us when most vulnerable with Ptsd have been retraumatized through receiving therapies that were less then effective or not suited for dealing with Ptsd, only delaying attaining some prompt real help. Then too there are some of us receiving therapies that though somewhat helpful, not so greatly useful for Ptsd and the trauma/ Ptsd impacts.
Though I'm not saying this is so, ...just possible, perhaps she wants to protect you from her, as well as protect herself from what she's left with inwardly and deals with. She may have all sorts of ideas surrounding her self-image that simply are not so, but more reflective of the nature of her abuse or abuser.
Just a story of mine: In highschool I went steady with a guy that I was madly in love with for a couple of years by then. And, as life would have it we ended up apart for a brief matter of months. However, during that time I was raped, life-threatened, and abused. When my boyfriend and I were steadily together again only months later, it wasn't only flashbacks that were of threat but it was intrusive urges to cause the guy I deeply loved physical injury and harm. Generally speaking it was myself I was compelled to risk and harm, .......but it was the part about having urges to harm the guy I was in love with, resulting from my intrusive memories and flashbacks while having sex, that was most frigtening and conflicting. Had believed I must abandon, run and escape, what I couldn't ever really avoid or escape, .....that being my sudden new self.
For the time being, is it possible that regarding your relationship with her, what you don't have going for you Kirill, and by no fault of your own, is your gender and desires; as well as need to more fully know and understand Ptsd. Regardless of how much you care about her.
What she needs most, IMO is decent professional help, consistent supportive family and/or friends/peers; Resources, and time for her emotional wounds to heal. After such ground and stability are achieved, then she can live and work at the personal maintanence of her well-being, and while far more flexible and equipped for lasting exchanges in intimacy.
Someone once told me that intimacy was defined as: into me you see. I imagine very few abused, exploited girls, (and certainly not those that have been traumatized and have Ptsd), are too interested in anyone really seeing into them. Nor am I so certain that they are confident that what they see in others is gonna be a whole lot different then what they've found in their abuser.
It's not necessarily a matter of Now, or Never. Perhaps, it just a, ....Not yet! The healing takes time, adquate services, support and lots of love received, without expectation.
Of course for some, there is that state of blindness too where an abused person mistakenly and unsconsciously seeks someone to purely rescue them from what is now their responsibility. It doesn't sound like she's doing this, which helps things.
Kirill, perhaps you could imagine her upon, and traversing one obstacle course after the other, for the time being, and you're witnessing as she becomes acquainted with her new self and relearns to reclaim what she can. She can relearn to stand on her own again, after all that she's been through. You could, just allow yourself to be seen as being presently willing and able to spot her in her efforts, and if allowed to do so, be there eager to catch her and support her, to her feet again when she falls.
It may not be the kind of dating relationship you imagined yourself endeavoring, but it certainly will add some real solid, substance to hopes of sharing future intimacy with her.
I never been in a situation like this and you guys helped me understand better, I care about her and will try to be patient and wait, hope she will remember the good times we had together and not that one bad day.
I'm betting you Kirill, that your chances of her remembering the good times you've shared will increase by the numbers, with sincerity and visibility that you're truly concerned with her all around well-being, ....and present, willing and able to be first a friend, perhaps supporter, then maybe later, a friend and more, as she continues to try and determine and achieve what she needs and wants to heal and regain a sense of self and safety.
Anyhow Kirill, All intimacy is a risk. When and if she comes around and desires to be intimate (not necessarily speaking sexually so, but maybe that as well), my hopes are that you will always honor both her as well as yourself.
Kirill, I'm sending you my best, ....and my wishes for both her's and your future relational success.
Goingonhope
P.s. Now can you handle this Chapter, or have I just transmitted Ptsd, Smiles:) and (LOL)...........please perhaps a little grin from you or something.
Anyhow, Please you take care!
