Is It Normal To Feel Uncomfortable When...

[J_trustno1]

the opposite gender flirts with you???

I have had this happen not once but majority of the times. Whenever I have a male friend (real life or internet) flirt with me or tease me playfully, I tend to get very sensitive and tell them off. I have been told by those guys that "when I tease them it is okay but when they tease me I become too serious and angry with them". I don't feel good about it. I just can't take being too sensitive anymore.

I also have problems with opposite gender touching my shoulders, actually anyone touching me actually. Gosh, I'm feeling abnormal now.

Please help and suggest.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Take a step back in life Jess and re-evaluate these feelings, getting through the mire of trauma memories has to be your primary goal at the moment and you have to be selfish for the longer good. Concentrate on healing Jess first, then wory about relationships with other hun, You are the most important person in your life at the moment.

I get really tense when a lady tries to flirt with me in real life as I am unable to hide myself any more from others.

I offer a friendly warm :hug: to keep you safe hun

Laurie

 

[J_trustno1]

I am not dating anyone Laurie. It's just that general teasing at work or by any net friends gets to me that I end up telling them off and offending them. I don't know how bad I'm coming across. It just doesn't feel good :(. I feel mean and selfish now.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

:hug: after what you have been through in the past, I'd say it is perfectly normal and understandable. The same happens to me.

Now that you are older I know it can be confusing as we know that they don't mean any harm but we still make that connection to the past. I know that with exposure and therapy you can improve and slowly (it will take a long time) get more used to it. Therapy is helpful and will help you reach a point where you may be more comfortable with the small things (start small work your way up). Mind it won't get better over night. From experience it has taken me years to get used to it.

Be kind to yourself and listen to yourself. If you feel you can't cope then stop, even if it's flirting etc. if you feel comfortable then continue. It's about balance on pushing yourself a little bit not too far. Remember your feelings are important too.

CBT has helped me the most then it comes to over coming this fear of men and touch by others (not perfect yet but can definitely see an improvement)so give yourself the time to heal :)

Hope this ha helped. It is normal under our circumstances and know you can get better from it :hug:

Swords x

 

[Deleted member 20280]

This sounds like a learnt reaction trait from traumatic exposure as a child, be gentle with yourself Jess and remember, you did suffer those trauma's and you did survive them, you are still here today interacting with me on the forum. Time for a time out as I said above. Concentrate on your own healing and happiness.

 

[littlelostchild]

It is totally understandable, Jess that you would react these ways.

Is there a reaction you could try to use to replace the telling off in your social situations? Like a smile and laugh or a thanks at a positive comment? The reason I ask is because a friend of mine taught me just to say 'thank you' at work to a compliment - I got super awkward and would tell people how I didn't really deserve the compliment, etc, it would get really awful. Maybe you could have a replacement phrase for a flirty/positive comment at work, like 'thanks'.

Obviously comments that cross the line that are rude or inappropriate are something totally different, but if they are being genuinely nice, take it as a compliment while you continue to work on your issues. :)

:hug:

 

[anonymous]

Maybe practice controlling your reactions?

Instead of that split second overreaction, take time to pause and explain how you don't like to be touched.

Lots of people are like this. I'd go so far as to say it's normal to not want uninvited touch! Touch is on your terms, not theirs! I hope that you can build up confidence in that your body means your rules, and you owe nobody an explanation beyond "I prefer to not be touched, thank you!"

 

[Pinkplatypus]

You're not alone for that shoulder touching thing. I was known in school for that since I did hurt a few students... and teachers... because that was my automatic response. But I'm not so sensitive about it now. I ask close friends to do it to make me less sensitive when others do it. After years, I still flinch a little, but I dont react so strongly anymore.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm the same. I don't like touch unless I have warning and control. For example my husband never touches me without warning me first, the warning is now so subtle and natural that no one knows.

I also had a touchy friend who I gave permission to give me friendly touches occasionally and she gave me permission for my startle type response. Overtime this exposure therapy approach helped.

I agree with the above that you have the right to not be touched and that a predetermined phrase to politely express this will help you.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@J_trustno1 I am similar. I can be very flirtatious and charming but if the person tries to flirt back I can get frustrated or defensive.

 

[Friday]

You could watch 10,000 awkward teen flicks (movies, tv, etc.) and see the exact same stuff. It's normal when it's new and people are figuring out how to respond, and what their own boundaries are, and who they want to be (and be with).

This is new for you... So it's awkward.

Ease comes with practice.