Is it only me that feels so alone, so unsupported, so criticised, so judged?

[Maisie]

Is it only me that feels so alone, so unsupported, so criticised, so judged……..

I’m having major surgery in September, and when I tell my partner what’s going on for me …….

I get told I’m turning it into a catastrophe
He finds messages that I’ve sent to him about how I was feeling at the time and tells me how over reactive I was
I got emotional with another sport mum and he blows up because I’ve talked to someone else.
He questions why on earth an operation triggers cptsd symptoms.
I get told he has a job to fulfil that’s important

He travels a lot for work and right now I sit below work in the scheme of importance. That in itself feels hard.

He now needs to travel before my surgery and will get back after my surgery. Im just expected to be fine to go to the hospital on my own. I have no one to take me, so once again I need to put up that well built false wall that all is okay and that im strong enough to do this on my own.

I feel extremely vulnerable right now. The only reason I’ve not ended my existence is because of my boys. It’s pretty sad that I exist only because of my children, not for myself. If I knew they’d be okay I’d be out!

As many of you well know, the after effect of this doesn’t end when the conversation stops or when you’re not in the same space as each other. The turmoil in my head and body right now is so intense. I’m sitting in the car in my gym carpark. Gym is usually a place where I can be the ‘master’ of what happens, but today that all just feels way too hard.

The sun is shining, but I can’t see that because the black cloud hovering is blocking my ability to see the beauty.

Thank you MyPTSD ‘friends’ for giving me a space to be able to express freely what’s going on without judgement!

 

[Rose White]

I wonder why you think it’s ok for him to treat you that way and still continue to live with you?

 

[Rebecca5059]

It makes complete sense why you feel like there is a dark cloud hovering. You are going through something so difficult right now with an upcoming surgery. Having to face that alone is completely overwhelming. Humans need community and support. It is ok to need that support within the safety of your relationship. Not only are you not getting that, but it feels like a mind game too. And that is really hard. It makes you doubt yourself at a fundamental level. We end up asking ourselves things like - am I too much? Is it just me? But let me assure you, anyone in the same position would feel a deep sense of vulnerability. You are not imagining these feelings - his reaction is incredible unloving. And please know your feelings are deeply justified. The hardest part is facing the reality that his response is not the loving supportive response you need right now. I agree with Rose. Going inward and asking yourself if it is really ok that he's treating you this way is probably a good start. I hope you have someone else that can support you through your surgery. I also hope that you will be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself, and realize you deserve so much more.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Both the medical procedure and your husband seem like stressors with can end up in a variety of stress reactions even if not triggered. Since you have no control over the surgery, you have already stated you already feel venerable now, soon before it happens.

Maybe you husband need to know some effects of CPTSD since if he hasn't felt this way then it definitely seems like making a big deal out of it.

I know exactly how living for someone one else feels like since I don't think I have earned my life yet and since there are actually a few people who haven't been confirmed dead it means I can't die yet either. Oh well.
Maybe more people feel like this?

 

[Survivor3]

Is it only me that feels so alone, so unsupported, so criticised, so judged……..

I’m having major surgery in September, and when I tell my partner what’s going on for me …….

I get told I’m turning it into a catastrophe
He finds messages that I’ve sent to him about how I was feeling at the time and tells me how over reactive I was
I got emotional with another sport mum and he blows up because I’ve talked to someone else.
He questions why on earth an operation triggers cptsd symptoms.
I get told he has a job to fulfil that’s important

He travels a lot for work and right now I sit below work in the scheme of importance. That in itself feels hard.

He now needs to travel before my surgery and will get back after my surgery. Im just expected to be fine to go to the hospital on my own. I have no one to take me, so once again I need to put up that well built false wall that all is okay and that im strong enough to do this on my own.

I feel extremely vulnerable right now. The only reason I’ve not ended my existence is because of my boys. It’s pretty sad that I exist only because of my children, not for myself. If I knew they’d be okay I’d be out!

As many of you well know, the after effect of this doesn’t end when the conversation stops or when you’re not in the same space as each other. The turmoil in my head and body right now is so intense. I’m sitting in the car in my gym carpark. Gym is usually a place where I can be the ‘master’ of what happens, but today that all just feels way too hard.

The sun is shining, but I can’t see that because the black cloud hovering is blocking my ability to see the beauty.

Thank you MyPTSD ‘friends’ for giving me a space to be able to express freely what’s going on without judgement!

Hi @MGB74 and welcome to the site . It's great that you go to the gym and that you have the motivation to go there. But sometimes we just don't feel like it! And that's ok! I've had moments like that before. It dosent sound like your partner is being very supportive. Is there anyone else that you can think of to go to the hospital with you?

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Even if your boys would be ok, you are still important in your own right. Never go down that path.

You are more important than any job or relationship. If he can't be there or understand that, allow you to talk and share with your peers without recrimination, maybe you need to question the dynamic more.

My mum stayed in bad relationships for her boys, know others that have too. We never wanted that and dont like it, didn't like it at the time and wanted change. We tolerated a lot for her. If it's not good for you, it's not good for anyone that cares about you.

 

[HomelessJoe]

In sickness and health should be remembered after the alter. I'm sorry your husband seems to have forgotten that. Relationship are always hard for people with PTSD. Your husband clearly doesn't understand the full gravity of your experience. I'm glad you have your boys. They will help keep you moving forward. I hope someday you don't need them to make you keep moving forward. Surgery is always scary, expecally alone. But your not alone in your concerns. Or in these thoughts. I hope everything works out for the best. Stay strong.

 

[Friday]

I’m having major surgery in September, and when I tell my partner what’s going on for me …….

I get told I’m turning it into a catastrophe
He finds messages that I’ve sent to him about how I was feeling at the time and tells me how over reactive I was
I got emotional with another sport mum and he blows up because I’ve talked to someone else.
He questions why on earth an operation triggers cptsd symptoms.
I get told he has a job to fulfil that’s important

There are things that are great big huge ginormous deals for some people, an average relatively forgettable Tuesday for others, and even something exciting -or soothing- for some others.

Surgery is one of those things.

People who fall into one group? Usually cannot wrap their heads around the idiots / crazy people in the others. Literally incomprehensible to them, that anyone could think/feel that way unless ______fill in some seriously derogatory things here______. And it only gets worse when it’s someone you love & expect better from, so then people start jumping to conclusions based on a bad premise.

Sounds like you & your husband are in different camps, and neither of you can understand the other. Making you overreacting & catastrophizing (according to him) whilst he’s critical & unsupportive (according to you). Because you both honestly feel that way. (As you expect better from him? And he from you?)

On the upside, it sounds like the two of you might just have the honesty thing down???

How about finding some common ground? Things outside of polar-opposite views on surgery that you two connect-respect on, and build THOSE up, so that those strengths feed you. Extra important when there’s a giant gaping hole elsewhere. Much like, if you don’t have any food? Don’t stop sleeping & drinking. Yes, you’ll still be hungry, but you won’t ALSO be dehydrated & sleep deprived.

Similarly / Conversely, flying solo, the part of the Venn Diagram where there’s no overlap… working on finding solutions for that. Like a medical hotel to check into the day before (that shuttles to/from the hospital, and has nursing staff to check on you, & room service/maids to take care of cooking/cleaning) & friends that can take the boys for a week. Or a nursing service to look after you in home (usually also has contacts with cabulance services) if you don’t want to spend a week away, and activities for the boys to do (we set up a tent in the living room for all-day-movie-marathons & had takeout on days I wasn’t up to parenting; for either PTSD “snow days” or when I was sick/injured & couldn’t arrange childcare // whatever kind of “normal rules don’t apply” you do with your family, when you have time to set it up). Or check with the kids’ school, as schools often have programs/resources for temporary assistance in various ways (pickup/drop off, before/afterschool care, meal rosters, etc.). Or, or, or.

You’ve got the time to plan, and you know now, where you can’t rely on your husband to step into the gap. As he travels a lot, you’re probably deeply aware of how that can easily be a hole to fall down in, or it can be a relief to know in advance, so steps can be taken.

 

[Movingforward10]

Does he ever listen to you when you say what you need?

Being angry that you spoke to someone is quite controlling. As is this gaslighting of the significance of surgery.
I can not imagine not wanting to be with my partner if they were having surgery. I would explain to work I need time off and definitely would not do a work trip.

Just on a practical note, who does he think is doing childcare when you're in hospital and during your recovery after? Where does his responsibility as a co parent fall? Surely the children have feelings about mummy being in hospital that needs reassurance from dad?

 

[witty8220]

Is it only me that feels so alone, so unsupported, so criticised, so judged……..

I’m having major surgery in September, and when I tell my partner what’s going on for me …….

I get told I’m turning it into a catastrophe
He finds messages that I’ve sent to him about how I was feeling at the time and tells me how over reactive I was
I got emotional with another sport mum and he blows up because I’ve talked to someone else.
He questions why on earth an operation triggers cptsd symptoms.
I get told he has a job to fulfil that’s important

He travels a lot for work and right now I sit below work in the scheme of importance. That in itself feels hard.

He now needs to travel before my surgery and will get back after my surgery. Im just expected to be fine to go to the hospital on my own. I have no one to take me, so once again I need to put up that well built false wall that all is okay and that im strong enough to do this on my own.

I feel extremely vulnerable right now. The only reason I’ve not ended my existence is because of my boys. It’s pretty sad that I exist only because of my children, not for myself. If I knew they’d be okay I’d be out!

As many of you well know, the after effect of this doesn’t end when the conversation stops or when you’re not in the same space as each other. The turmoil in my head and body right now is so intense. I’m sitting in the car in my gym carpark. Gym is usually a place where I can be the ‘master’ of what happens, but today that all just feels way too hard.

The sun is shining, but I can’t see that because the black cloud hovering is blocking my ability to see the beauty.

Thank you MyPTSD ‘friends’ for giving me a space to be able to express freely what’s going on without judgement!

You’re not overreacting — this is real pain. I’ve had many surgeries, and only now do I see how much they took from me emotionally as well as physically. That black cloud you feel isn’t you — it’s something passing through. When the rest feels too heavy, try to notice the little things in your boys — the way they laugh, a look they give you, the small moments they don’t even know are beautiful. Sometimes that’s the light that breaks through.