Is It Possible To Get Those Around You To Accept You Don't Want To Live?

[NovemberStar]

I've been really struggling lately with PTSD symptoms, and feel like i am now living with a terminal illness. i do not see myself getting better and i want to give up.

suicidal ideation is mixed in with my flashbacks and its like the 'present' isn't even real anymore.

what makes the flashbacks hard to ground myself in any way is that IN the flashbacks i am very suicidal and i would have died back then when the trauma happened, but being a child i had no idea of 'how to die'. i am convinced that is the only reason i did not take my life then, such was the bleakness, hopelessness, and trauma. i don't want to keep re-living those few moments in my life - but that's what the flashbacks do, i can 'go back' there in a flashback several times a minute - and when i can distract, and have some respite, it isn't for long.

I've isolated from the few friends and a couple of family members i have (all live out of town). i haven't felt talking to anyone, and prefer to be alone (i find any contact triggers anxiety and panic). a huge part of my PTSD is 'relationship trauma' - and having 'relationships' with others triggers the symptoms very badly. part of me believes its better i do keep away, least i end up taking my life.

if there is one thing stopping me, it is that, as detached as i feel from everyone, i somehow suspect those i left behind would be left feeling deeply hurt. i FANTASIZE about finding out i have a terminal illness - i wouldn't get treatment. id be able to openly prepare for death, and those around me would have time to accept it.

i can't find the answer, but is there ANY way, if ever, is it possible to have those around you accept you don't want to live anymore, and have them completely understand why you don't want to go on? i guess its asking if it's possible to have those around you 'accept' your suicide, before it happens?

 

[SeanCharles]

@NovemberStar Suicide is never, never, never acceptable. There is a difference between suicide and terminal illness.

Suicide is not a terminal illness. Therefore it's not accepted as a terminal illness. Suicide is viewed as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's the root problem that needs to focused on. The undertoe is the stress and anxiety which can be managed over time which will keep one from being overwhelmed and wanting to commit such a drastic act which suicide is.

I do wish you the very best and I am sure many others here may share similar comments as I have posted myself. :hug:

 

[NovemberStar]

I'm sure you're right (about many others who think similarly to you), but it wasn't the question I had :) - I'm not wanting a debate as to the 'rights' or 'wrongs' or suicide - or whether or not its an option; I'm wanting to know if its possible to prepare loved ones least it happen.

edited to add - i wasn't meaning suicide is a terminal illness - i was meaning my mental illness feels terminal, but unlike a physical illness (i.e. if i had cancer) when its mental, its more difficult to prepare family etc for what might happen next.

 

[Glara]

You've just described exactly what my sufferer is going through right now. No, I can't accept his suicide, I'm absolutely terrified that's what he'll do.

Please call your therapist or a hotline. I don't know what it's like to feel like you do, but I have had my own suicidal thoughts, no plans, just wanting to die. And I've come out of it. I know but what you describe yours is much, much worse but I believe you can get some kind of help. I can't say everything will be "normal" whatever normal is, but it can get better.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Glara I'm not actively planning on a suicide… with your partner, if you knew the mental pain he was going through, would not even a tiny part of you want him to be free of it? Sure, i understand you don't want to lose him, you'd want for him to get better and live a long happy life with you…. BUT IF it wasn't possible for him to fully recover and be happy, how long would you want him to stay around suffering for, just so you / others can have him in your life? (sorry if it sounds snarky, not meant that way - genuinely interested in trying to see if form the other's perspective)

 

[NovemberStar]

I drew what it is like, for my T the other day. I'm on an ocean; far out to sea is an island oasis; where my dreams and aspirations are - the things id love to be able to do. But in the way is a giant tidal wave of pain, terror and despair, called PTSD. I have a tiny lifeboat; I'm in it, desperately trying to fight against the tide, and get past the tidal wave so I can achieve my dreams. But the damn tidal wave is relentless, and stronger and bigger than my lifeboat. So while I do have dreams and goals and things I'd like to achieve in the future it seems impossible to get around the giant tidal wave.

 

[Justmehere]

Acceptance in terms of understanding that someone is so hopeless they want to die is one thing. Supporting the act of suicide is another matter entirely. It is not clear to me which one you mean.

I have a dear friend who had breast cancer. They did not expect her to live. When she told her 6 adult brothers and sisters, 2 of them pretty much cut off most contact because it was too hard to face. 2 of them had tremendous denial that she was as sick as she was and likely to not live. It takes tremendous support at times to face and

With something like PTSD, something that can be life threatening itself, I think it is even harder to understand.

People have defense mechanisms against acceptance of terminal illnesses and death because it hurts so bad. Death by suicide leaves tremendous amounts of pain for other people. I lost my roommate to suicide. He left many warning flags and clues that he was going to commit suicide, and people tried to help and stop him. People tried to also except that there was only so much we could do.

His depression won, and he made the decision to take his own life.

He left a lot of people in a lot of pain.

One of his daughters is now struggling with the drug addiction because she has been in so much pain after his death.

I know you are in tremendous pain and are planning to die. I do not support any decision to take your own life.

I know you are in a lot of pain and that lifeboat is too small. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and I have even attempted suicide myself. I don't judge you for having these thoughts and wanting to end your life. However, I'm going to be very clear with you – your death would hurt many people. Your desire to have people just accept your death, is not very reasonable. It is disrespectful to others. You're expecting people to not grieve, to just not face the pain that comes when somebody chooses to take their own life, to not be deeply affected by such a loss. Even people who did not know my roommate very well we're deeply shaken by his suicide, and struggled with pain over his death.

It's okay to feel as bad as you do and to want to die, it is very different to expect everybody else to be okay with it, when such and I would be deeply hurtful to them. You can't change that. It will hurt them.

If you want people to understand how hopeless you feel, that's different - that is a tough, but very good goal.

 

[joeylittle]

@NovemberStar, I've ask myself many of the same questions. I'm also in a place right now where I think my stuff isn't going to get better.

First, I think, no: there's no way to prepare anyone for the act of taking your own life. Even when you look at other kinds of illnesses, there aren't many stories of how everyone came to terms with cousin joe's terminal diagnosis and all took turns saying goodbye before he was able to get an assisted suicide. I just don't think human beings deal very well with death, and especially not the deaths of those they love, and extra-especially when there does remain a chance for things to improve.

Does it mean you should tolerate your suffering indefinitely? No, I hope not. Because I don't want that to be the answer for me, either.

But I think it's important to remember that we cannot know the future, really. There's no way for you to actually know that things won't turn a corner again for you. If things have been better in the past, they can become better again in the future.

I won't offer you any platitudes, because I don't have any. The thing I hold onto in times like this is that I can't know I'm never going to get better, and that what I want more than anything is actually relief, not the end of all things. If I can get relief without the end of all things, I'll take it. Remembering that can sometimes help me.

 

[illusionist]

If someone you love asked the same of you, would you accept it?....say it was something you don't quite understand..maybe uncontrolled diabetes for instance. That person feels exactly the way you feel..can't find a way out, tired of living but you know that given time, they will be stabilised?.....they don't feel that way and there's no convincing them otherwise, at that time.

Would you accept that they want to give up the fight when you know they will be stabilised?

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks for the reply @Justmehere - again, I am not 'planning to die' - although yes, it is on my mind a lot. I guess I figure there must be a way for those around you to understand and come to terms with it, that's all. Like when my father died of cancer - there was relief and a lot less grief than if it was unexpected. he had been sick a long time, was not going to get better, and in the last days, he really suffered. He wasn't blamed for dying either. I guess i get confused why suicide, if suffering from a long term mental illness, is treated and seen as any different? is it because those around the person didn't know they would take their life, so its more of a shock? And so secret?

@joeylittle that's true - not everyone accepting even terminal illness… FARK i wish i could just get a freaking tumor any day now … i swear to god, I'd be so damn relieved. I think I agree about the relief bit - but I also think that once you're dead you are probably just dead; and its is the end of everything - and because I don't believe in life after death, and don't have a meaning of life, it doesn't make any difference to me if I'm here on earth another 3 days or 3 decades, in the bigger picture ...

Guess it also goes back to the old time argument - those left behind after a suicide feel its selfish of the dead person to have taken they down life; buty isn't it just as selfish for those around th person to expect them to keep on living half dead, and suffering mentally, just so they can still have that person around? How would it be any different to when my father was dying of terminal cancer, if I had insisted he 'stay around' and not die? wasn't it better for him, to be free?

 

[NovemberStar]

@richter scale .. diabetes is different because control of it can almost always happen… PTSD - it's not measurable. I guess I have a more skewed picture of it all because i did recover form PTSD once before - I had over a decade without it in my life in any form. In those years I managed to achieve things beyond my wildest dreams, and got to a place I was loving life - despite the ups and downs of it.

But it's coming up 4 years and I haven't gotten any better. Just when I THINK i'm making headway, another tidal wave comes. If anything, the flashbacks are getting worse. Last time, the PTSD I had was quite intermittent - although I struggled for years, the symptoms were a mix of eating disorder, depression, and PTSD. I didn't have months and months and months of flashbacks like i have these last 4 years.

It's almost like having been able to recover before, has given me false hope - for a long time, I did believe THIS TIME I could recover again - but i don't think so anymore.

 

[joeylittle]

FARK i wish i could just get a freaking tumor any day now … i swear to god, I'd be so damn relieved.

I think you feel like you'd be relieved - but honest and true, you don't know what you would actually feel. I want to be respectful of people on the board who personally have encountered this diagnosis and probably know more about it from the inside perspective than either of us.

I agree with you - I don't think there is anything after death; I think my point about relief is that what someone wants from suicide (the cessation of pain) isn't necessarily accomplished by suicide (because you aren't around to notice). All you get is nothing. But if there is a way to have the pain stop and be alive to experience it, that's better.

Do you find you are ruminating on this a lot lately? It sounds like you are being upfront with your therapist, which is good. Do they have any ideas to help you right now? (Mine insisted I try some things and it's to early to tell if they are helping, but at least being given a plan has helped me narrow my focus to just the here and now, instead of the big nothingness that I think surrounds me.)

And keep posting here. This is hard stuff to talk about, but it's important to get it out of your head and hopefully un-stuck, from a cognitive perspective.