Is It Possible To Have Ptsd From Being Cheated On?

[Leah H.]

My fiance cheated on me 3 years ago over the course of 8 months and since then I feel like my whole life just got turned upside down. (I won't bore you with the novel length story.) I thought that maybe time would make things easier to get over because that's what just about everyone has told me...but it just doesn't seem to be happening. If anything it's been getting worse. I have frequent nightmares about him and the other woman to the point where I started to have trouble sleeping. Anytime I hear her name or see anyone who looks like her I start to have trouble breathing and most of the time burst into tears.

I haven't been to the mall in almost a year since I heard she started working there. I tried going a few times but as soon as I would I'd start feeling dizzy and like I was about to be sick. It's the same way I feel during the two holidays that I know they slept together on, like I'm about to be physically ill. I have moments where I feel back to normal and happy, but the second I see or hear something that reminds me of seeing the two of them together it's almost like I can't stop reliving what happened over and over until somehow it gets out of my head on its own through some sort of distraction. It's been 3 years and I feel like I should be over it by now. I finally told a close friend about how bad it's gotten and she suggested that it might be ptsd. I'd never heard of ptsd being caused by something like my situation so I really wasn't sure whether to take her seriously or not.

 

[anthony]

Hi Leah,

To answer your primary question, no, being cheated on is not traumatic to cause PTSD.

Saying that, your reaction also isn't uncommon, and even normal. Do you need help to get through it? Absolutely... but you are normal. You don't need psychotherapy, you need counselling. You need someone compassionate, yet who will push you to surpass some of your fears so that you can move beyond your symptoms.

You're in a relationship with someone you love, they betray you. Your life is turned upside down, trust has been shattered, and your realisation that your partner obviously doesn't love you as you them, otherwise they wouldn't have done what they did.

What you're going through is nothing more than grieving. It is exactly the same as grieving the loss of a loved one from death. There is zero difference. You are grieving the loss of your loved one from the relationship. People make plans, they think about things in future years with their partner, and this shatters all those beliefs to smithereens.

Symptoms are normal... extended for you, yes... but still normal. There isn't a time-frame assigned to having your heart ripped out and kicked around the ground. Psychologists may attempt to apply such a time-frame, but it is all theoretical nonsense and speculation. If it takes a person 10 years to get over the death of their partner before they start dating, then so be it. The same can be said with being left standing by a spouse as they walk out the door with another person.

The fear is an issue, and that is something you need counselling for. You need to get the courage to face your fear, surpass it, otherwise you will continue to suffer anxiety and sleep issues. Move past the fear, resolve some understanding, then let time dictate your healing process.

Just don't ignore things, but instead look at everything that is causing you a problem, then discuss with a counsellor to find an appropriate solution/s to try and implement into your life.

 

[Leah H.]

Thank you very, very much for your answer. You're probably the first person that's explained things in such a clear way to me since this all happened. I assumed it probably wasn't ptsd, but when it was suggested this was the first place I could think of to ask. (I was really kind of worried to bring this up to anyone face to face and I'd heard this site was very helpful.) I've just never reacted to anything this badly before, especially not for this long. I was always the glass half full type of girl, even when I was bullied and molested as a child I never had any serious long term reactions. Just knew it happened and I'd have to deal with it. No serious dwelling on any of it. This was just the first time I've had such a hard time dealing with something and I wasn't sure of even the first thing to do about things. Wasn't sure if it was a normal reaction or something worse.

Now I'm rambling...sorry. Just really want to thank you for not making me feel like a total idiot. I'll definitely be looking into finding a counselor.

 

[anthony]

even when I was bullied and molested as a child I never had any serious long term reactions.

Whilst the molesting fits traumatic enough, because you haven't mentioned it as having any issues, I would still stick with my original view. Bullying can cause PTSD, but it isn't actually the bullying that does it, it is if the bullying is physical abuse, i.e. when being bullied they beat you, repeatedly, or raped you, tortured you, et cetera. Emotional abuse has to be longevity... as bullying to some degree is considered normal growing up.

To be honest, you presented a new facet that must be factored. An underlying issue that I wonder if the cheating is now simply the icing on the cake. Whilst cheating is not traumatic to cause PTSD, if the child molestation was constantly haunting your thoughts, then the cheating and relationship breakdown is more just the icing on the cake to throw you over the edge.

If your childhood trauma is actually of no issue to you, then my original response still stands for your specifics.

 

[Whitneys story]

I am glad you found the Forum! I wish you success on your journey. We are not judgemental and benefit greatly by sharing.

 

[Leeon2.0]

Anythony, I really don't agree with you. Everyone deals with the situations different. Cheating isn't a "normal" thing in my life. I take what you say as a smack to the face and I feel you should be aware of it seeing that you do seem to want to help ppl. I'll applaud you for that. And I hope you take that less offensive but more criticism. But what do I know I'm not a doctor. It can be as traumatic as seeing a person die to a certain individual. I am open to say I'm not in the disorder as deep as I used to be(if I was at all) but there are things that linger and of course there is doubt that I had the disorder as some days I don't and that I'm not depressed some days are better the others. Now granted I'm familiar with post hoc ergo propter hoc and could see that there could be other factor contributing to my conclusion. And as far as I'm concern a disorder could can rage from many different severities.

I was cheated on by a female and it was the worst experience of my life. I was afterword abusive to my roommates that I moved in with right when we started to date. My ex best friend his gf and a associate were the two and a half roommates. At times both physical and childlike tantrums. I was manipulated and lied to even when I asked her if she was sleeping with anyone else.

I slept on the couch for months because I couldn't be in my room for long. Usually either to get away from ppl but it was the last place I wanted to be but I didn't want to go outside either being that I didn't trust the world. The house became a trigger that everyday I lived in it I could not get away from the event and feeling of finding out I was being used. I didn't trust my roommates, parents, nobody. Being an atheist most my life I even tried to find a god and even was harder on myself because so many ppl can just find easy relief that way and I could not. I was falling in a rabbit hole. Day by day seeing myself disappear while doing everything to get rid of the images and feelings.

It took me moving out of the house and a year of working out and reading on meditation techniques to gain a part of me back. I started dating a chick finally feeling better about myself. I plan a romantic date had dinner and she ended up bailing on me. A thing the previous girl would do. I then had no control of my body. Feelings rushed me and instead of flighting... I started fighting.. I started to cuss her out, accuse her of seeing another guy and well that ended that and I didn't sleep at all that night shivering in my bed and feeling exactly like the rough times all over again. Is that not like hearing a car back firing and thinking its a gun shot wound? maybe my love from my mom and dad and brother and that they never hurt me like this.. Or the innocent childhood I had with minimum bullying could be why this hit me so hard. Or that I always had a safe home to go to. Dr Bessel van der kolk says being able to go to a safe home is s big deal after trauma. Which the house that I lived in I was never at peace in and was a big relief to move out and haven't been back. being in the same city as the house caused triggers of anger. And it still bothers me but again I'm doing a lot better than before. And maybe that's the difference. But I would think disorders do go away if you find how to rewire ur brain.

I will admit I'm ignorant on a lot of ptsd. And Because I have not seen a professional I'm not fully behind my hypothesis that I had ptsd. I just don't find your cookie cutter approach valid. Like I said cheating isn't normal. I never in my life thought she would have. I thought she loved me the way she said she did and I did her. To say it cannot cause ptsd is to be naive of every individual's life experiences.

The fact that you dumb down cheating to not being able for it is kinda the same reason I doubt my ability as a human at times. Hell children in Africa go through worse shit than a lil bitty heartbreak and yet it feels like I've been on 100 tours to Afghanistan. But yet you call my problem normal or just a part of everyday life.. I'm sorry that's farther from the truth.. And if feeling how I did after I was traumatized is normal. You really make me doubt that I want to live anymore (which I won't do because I don't want my mom going through that pain) at least part of myself sees it that way.

 

[moonbeam]

Anthony didn't say that being cheated on is normal. He said her response was normal. That's two distinctly different things Leeon.

I agree with both of Anthony's posts above.

Additionally I would add that while being cheated on can be traumatic and nobody has said it isn't. It does not meet criterion A for a diagnosis of PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Leeon2.0 you're arguing with the wrong guy! If you want to argue that being cheated on can cause PTSD, you need to take it up with the writers of the DSM-V! Its the bible on diagnostic criteria, and it does not include cheating as a cause of PTSD. Anthony's words are just backing up the DSM-V.

I do think its interesting that you come here and say maybe you had PTSD, maybe you didn't, but now you're "cured". Yeah, well, it doesn't really work like that and it is irritating to those of us who actually have been diagnosed with PTSD as you think its SOOO easy to get over. Lemme tell you this.....if you actually had PTSD, you'd be singing a different song. Stop going around claiming psychiatric disorders because some chick pissed you off and it then ruined future relationships for you. That's NOT PTSD!

 

[Friday]

@Leeon2.0 ...

There is an entire section of the DSMV (DSM5) under Trauma & Stress Disorders... Of which PTSD is only one of them.

Acute Stress Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder, Adjustment Disorders (several subtypes), Disassociation Disorders: Depersonalization Disorder, Reactive Amnesia, Dissociative Identity Disorder; Reactive Disorders... And it goes on, and on, and on. Dozens of disorders are listed under Trauma & Stress.

When people only know of PTSD, so despite clearly not having the most basic requirement for it, diagnose themselves??? Because, hey, trauma is in the name!!!

That's like having a fever & deciding its Dengue Fever. Or Glandular Fever. Or Scarlet Fever.

It doesn't help anyone to simply agree that despite their testing positive for malaria, that it's Scarlet Fever. Just like it doesn't help anyone to agree with a self or misdiagnosis of PTSD, if they don't meet the diagnostic criteria for it. Yes. Symptoms overlap. But a fever can be viral, bacterial, parasitical. And then within each of those categories are wildly different illnesses. Just like the DSMV has neurological disorders, trauma & stress disorders, personality disorders, etc. And then within each category there are wildly different conditions and disorders. Science doesn't differentiate between infections or disorders to be mean. Not all fevers are Dengue, not all animals are cats, not all trauma related disorders are PTSD.

 

[Suffering]

Wow, the hostility here is a little too much for a forum like this.
@FridayJones I'm not aware infidelity is excluded from causes of PTSD, do you a have a source?
@anthony No, this guy is no grieving. Grieving symptoms and feelings are completely different to those of PTSD and don't fit well at all with the OP

I think many people here dismiss infidelity as being a cause to PTSD is because they see it as something minor to what they've been through, but beware, people you're dismissing could have actually suffered much more than you had or could've imagine. I am actually outraged and disgusted right now because of this dismissal.
I've lived in a war zone for a small part of my life, I've actually been sexually molested as a child. All of this is dwarfed in comparison the have been cheated on which I suffered recently and which probably gave me PTSD. I've not been diagnosed by a doctor, but I've read a lot about PTSD and I've done an online diagnosis, and even when trying to be careful and tone it down a bit I've got 17/25, with 4-9 meaning it's inconclusive and 10+ means you're displaying many symptoms of PTSD.

@leah H. Please seek a doctor, and he needs to be "A GOOD DOCTOR" with long experience in PTSD. This alone can make or break a treatment and I can't stress it enough.

 

[Friday]

@Suffering. Yes. The DSM-V. You can look it up yourself, but I'll post the most relevant section. CriterionA stressor is required.

Criterion A: stressor
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (one required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

 

[Friday]

As I said above... A person can be displaying all the symptoms of PTSD, and still not have PTSD, because they are also displaying the symptoms of a similar disorder.

Might you have PTSD? Yes. Because you have CriterionA trauma from childhood, and the infidelity (or any other stress, from infidelity to job loss to quitting smoking to literally hundreds of other things... Including "good" things, like a promotion, children, marriage, buying a home, getting fit, etc.) can trigger delayed onset PTSD from years ago.

One reason (of many) that Infidelity (and other betrayals) isn't a criterionA stressor is that, like ASD, it has a timeline. People with acute stress disorder heal, completely, in a few months to a few years. There is an expected recovery. Infidelity has an expected timeline for complete recovery of 2-5 years. PTSD? No recovery. It's lifelong. And things like being fine for years happen, and then it's a random Tuesday and Bam! Flashbacks and panic attacks and Hypervig, and disassociaiton, and all of the symptoms return full force. PTSD is cyclic. It comes and goes. It's re-triggered by other trauma. It can go into remission for awhile, or delay onset, but it's incureable & lifelong. The very structure of a person's brain changes.