Is It Possible To Make It Through This Without Going Back To My Abuser?

[lithium-mom]

So, I just need to map out what's in my head right now and I need reassurance that I never have to go back home again. I grew up with a father who psychologically and physically was very... aggressive and abusive. Very authoritarian and controlling. I moved out six months ago and I have no financial support from my family. Before anyone says loans, I can't. I have no cosigners, and I don't have enough credit (and thanks to hospital bills that are unpaid, it might even be mildly low). My dad wouldn't let me get a real job or a car at home, so I have essentially nothing. I took care of myself on $700 a month (as a church pianist) when I lived in Alabama, now I'm living in Florida. My financial situation is a little bleak- I have $1,000 on my credit card, I have a phone bill that I can't pay and a total of.... well not much, in my account, but at least I have food stamps so I can finally eat.

I got offered employment and I STUPIDLY accepted it even though my only transportation is going to be by bus. Which I have no clue how to get around on. It's one of those kiosk jobs which I'm not really used to, because, well, I never had a job. Please keep in mind I'm not lazy, my dad would not allow me to have a job even when I was 21. I was offered an interview at many places but he would always aggressively discourage it-- and besides I had no transportation, so if he said no-- I wasn't getting a job.

What's weird is I still try to communicate with my parents. I miss them sometimes, but honestly not that much. I'm loved a lot more genuinely here, in a way that doesn't control me or hurt me. Here in Florida I have my boyfriend, I have good, kind-hearted friends that don't call me ugly and then remind me that they have more money than I do and are all the support I have in the world.

I have to go to a lot of mental health appointments but honestly I'm going to cancel them all because I just don't want to bother anymore. I'm tired of talking to people who don't believe me about my dad and try to contact him and my family even when I ask not to. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with people who think I'm delusional and basically hysterical. I've been taking medications for years and I've done terribly, I think it's time to try things my way. But I'm scared I won't make it. How am I supposed to make it to work? That's my biggest impediment. And then at night I'm left with all these questions of why my dad abandoned me emotionally? Why did he hurt me? Do I deserve these bad things? Am I truly that worthless?

I feel happier in some ways than I've ever been but I have that looming thought over my head that my dad is somehow going to reach back into my life and take everything away from me like he did before.

 

[cat-lady]

Have you considered seeking help from government services? Maybe they could help you with some job training or financial counseling or if necessary some disability payments. I understand how it is. My parents never let me have a job as a teenager because they were trying to keep me powerless. When I finally got away from them the transition was very rough because of that but ultimately it was worth it.

 

[scout86]

My therapist suggests that I not ask questions that begin with the word "why". He says I can ask HIM, if I absolutely have to, but not to ask myself questions like that. They generally aren't useful. So, for example, "Why did your father abandon you emotionally?" Who knows that? Seriously! Maybe that's not what he thinks he did. Maybe a lot of things. It doesn't matter. You are where you are and the job at hand is to deal with that.

It's great that you've got a job! You're going to have to learn how the buses work. You might never have done it before, but there's a first time for everything. (I've found that a good way to handle that is find someone who looks like they know and say, "Excuse me, I have no idea how to do this, can you help me?" You'd be surprised how well that usually works.

No, there's no reason you ever need to go back to your parents. I moved out when I graduated from high school and never moved back, never took anything from them to speak of after that. It meant living in some kind of rough places, including my truck, but I managed. I'm sure you can too, if you're willing to work at it. You manage your money carefully, you plan, and you work. But you also set goals and expect something from yourself. You take responsibility and you solve your own problems. And you appreciate how nice it is to be around people who appreciate you while you're at it. You can do what ever you want, if you want it enough.

 

[Seasounds]

I like your post so much, since you put to words the 'process of becoming an autonomous/free person', that I need to revisit, each time I initiate another step in my growth. The bonds of abuse get deeply anchored in my psyche; each time I make a deep transition, I need to create new energetic roots, and find effective ways to deal with anxiety.

...I just need to map out what's in my head right now and I need reassurance that I never have to go back home again.

You have separated from your abuser, which is a terrific move. You never have to go back home. If you ever go back, you can visit them for a couple of hours, meet them at a neutral location. You are not responsible for them. Going back to see my parents was too triggering. Distance was best.

Autonomy/freedom is yours; your father does not have the right to dictate what is right for you.It may take time, of regularly cultivating, your thoughts of autonomy and safety (see meditation below) before these new thoughts settle into your cells, and before you 'feel' it. They will develop with time.

What's weird is I still try to communicate with my parents. I miss them sometimes, but honestly not that much

This is normal; even though you have differences with them, your relationship with them was your childhood roots. The need to reach out to your roots, and connect to any love you do have for them (people can have love for the healthy behaviors of parents, and long for the historical connection, even though it was abusive.) Usually, the more deeply you get connected and feel stabilized in your world, the the need to call home decreases. Do you have a sense of wanting any specific emotional reassurance from them? Your process sounds normal, if that helps.

Here in Florida I have my boyfriend, I have good, kind-hearted friends that don't call me ugly and then remind me that they have more money than I do and are all the support I have in the world.

you are amazing to have created a new community for yourself. Appreciate yourself for this!

'm tired of talking to people who don't believe me about my dad and try to contact him and my family even when I ask not to. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with people who think I'm delusional and basically hysterical. I've been taking medications for years and I've done terribly, I think it's time to try things my way. But I'm scared I won't make it?

You situation has complexities that I may not understand. Some ideas come to mind when reading your (above) words. From my experience you will get better results and you'll generate less stress for yourself, when speaking to the authorities/agencies that are helping you, if you relax and trust your truth, while you, graciously, speak to them. In other words, clearly state and repeat what they need to hear. Know that they are 'just doing their job'; by you 'doing your job', (reporting to them), you are doing your job. Nothing personal.

Whether or not you feel it, there is usually a stabilizing quality to stay with what you are doing, until you get on your own feet. (One step at a time). And asking to speak to a doctor to discuss your concerns, desires, (to go off meds) can be a relationship that you can call upon if you need help. Keep asking for a different Doctor, if you don't like the ones you have.

I think you will make it. Have patience with yourself and the system.

My idea that may or may not help you tovget there, is to consistently experiment with a few ways that can further decrease your anxiety, which will increase your sense of confidence and hope. Initially, I was not a believer in 'grounding meditation techniques' until, since no harm would be done to me, I committed to doing them daily for 2 months, or until I felt a change. I asked my teacher, sacastically, "How will this help?" My teacher replied, "if you want to create a new life, you need to be connected to a new and neutral battery; otherwise the past just keeps repeating itself."

The two grounding exercises that changed my life: (these may seem 'out there', but they worked for me)
1. For two minutes in the morning and two minutes at night, imagine the earths energy bubbling up into the souls of your feet. (After 1 month I felt a significant shift; I felt a layer of anxiety and depression leave.)

2. Part A. This meditation requires about 20-30 min. Have a quiet place. Do once a day. Slowly imagine the earth's energy (gold light surrounded by a brown earth colored cord) coming into your 1rst, 2nd, and 3rd chakra, and then imagine the energy that you don't need flowing back down into the earth. Repeat this part, 2 more times. Part B. First imagine energy entering the top of your head, then your third eye, then your throat chakra, and then into your heat chakra. Imagine your heart chakra (peace and love) energy flowing down into you solar plexus chakra (a power and emotional center), and the solar plexus chakra flow into your heart chakra.

What the second exercise did for me, is to deeply calm those fears (like I might not survive). And it felt like it helped me plant new seeds, to create a new foundation, that will support me. When I feel my panic arise, I repeat the words that I repeat (to help keep me focused) when I bring the earths energy into my chakras, in this order: earth, worth (declaring my value), safety, autonomy.

Alanon groups have helped me a lot. I feel calmer after I leave. Try a few groups till you find a group you like. They are free, and they focus on building a stable life. Anyone can go, you don't need to have a mate who is drinking.

Alter this info, as it may or may not suit you. Your connection to your body, emotions, mind, and your intuition, are good guides.:hug:

 

[Stickler]

I kow this sounds bad, but I was told waffle house will hire anyone without a felony record.
Just b/c you have the kiosk job? This doesn't mean you can't stop looking for better work? Or even that you SHOULD. I've had jobs that did not work out. So keep applying to all manner of entry level stuff.

Think about college part-time, too...as in community college.
It's really hard to make it without some kind of post secondary education...in fact? If you're interested in medical sorts of work?
Reistered Nurses make a LOT of money.
( says the child of an RN)

...You can do it! You will. I believe in you! You've got courage, you're smart. You've got this.
Note: the day before you have to work? Take the bus there and back, if at all possible. If not? Try to arrive an hour early.
ACTUAL bus times may vary from scheduled.

Regarding your dad? This article talks about, among other things, predatory self-esteem.
Link Removed

Basically, some people feel better about themselves when they put down, degrade, belittle, terrify, harm, infuriate, and/or use other people.

Some people have no ability to love...and those people may just harm for the sheer fun of it, the way you might do warped things to a SIMS character.

So that's an array of pretty depressing reasons why your dad might be the person he is. None of those reasons are about you.

I think the kind of people who show up on peer support websites and then stay tend to feel at home in this virtual environment due to being fairly compassionate people.
So the actions of the people who have damaged us, in many cases, seems completely crazy and inexplicable to us?
It isn't.
They hurt us because they wanted to and they could...they find it fun and rewarding behavior.

They aren't us.
Since what I have read on neuroscience research leads me to believe at least part of this variance is down to brain wiring, I'm very thankful I am not one of them.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you clarify who is trying to contact your parents?

 

[lithium-mom]

Can you clarify who is trying to contact your parents?

Yes, the nurse practitioner I'm supposed to be working with for medication.

 

[EveHarrington]

Did you sign a form allowing her to speak to them?

If not-----she can lose her license for breach of privacy.

If you did, you can revoke her ability to contact them.

 

[lithium-mom]

Did you sign a form allowing her to speak to them?

If not-----she can lose her license for breac...

She wanted to contact my mom before I signed a waiver, but later on she had me sign a waiver. I didn't know what to do but sign because it seemed like... I don't ever want to seem like I'm trying to be belligerent or a "problem patient" but I don't know why her first instinct after I say "these people hurt me" is "We should contact them so I have more insight into your condition." It's like??? I'm an adult woman, I don't need my parents input on my mental health especially when they cause me an incredible amount of distress.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'd contact her and let her know that you're revoking the waiver. I'd write a letter and mail it to her, even get delivery confirmation so you know she received it.

As an adult you deserve care even in the absence of input from anyone else (family, former physicians, Etc.)