Relationship Is It Really Over? Please Comment

[Iamhere]

I really need the advice from both sufferers with complex and combat PTSD and any supporters that can relate.

Here's a little background my sufferer and I aren't really a couple. We have been seeing each other for the past 4-5 months. During this time period his emotions have been up and down, a constant roller coaster. I believe I have been pretty patient I've giving him his space when he has asked and waited for him to come around. This last month he has been real down and I've offered my help over and over again and he refuses to let me in. He has spoke about marriage with me and even wanting to adopt my daughter that he seems to love so much and she loves him too.

Here's the dilemma, lately whenever we agree to see each other he says yes at first and 5 minutes later he will back out by saying that he's just not all there. I try to be as understanding as i possibly can be and not give him any drama about it, but yesterday we had plans to meet up, he sounded excited to finally see me after 2 weeks. I texted him if we were still on for that day and he asked where, I told him the location and next thing you know I get a text message from him saying to leave him, that he really loves my daughter and I but he is going down a horrible path and there's no room for anyone, and that if i really loved and cared about him i would leave and forget all about him.

Now I love him with all my heart, I've never been one to see my self settle down with anyone, hence my on and off again relationship with my daughters dad for the past 6 years. I always wanted a family with someone but never saw it possible till i got to know him, he gets along so well with my daughter I finally saw someone who understood my "crazy" and I understood theirs.

I need closure to walk away and leave him. I know that at times when we are in a bad place we say things we don't mean. So I'm asking him for closure. I need him to tell me to my face that he really no longer wants me in his life. And as much as it pains me I will walk away and never turn back.

Yesterday he said he couldn't give it to me that day because he didn't want to see anyone, not my self, not his family, and not his friends. That he was too messed up to see anyone. I went to his place and I told him I was going to sit there and wait for him to say it to my face, even if it meant I was going to have to be there all day. He said he wasn't home, I told him that I could clearly see his car and he wasn't fooling me and that my closure was very important and to just get it over with if he meant it. I know what ya'll must be thinking "why not just leave him alone and let him come around", well here's the why, I invested so much of my heart, time and what not to this "relationship" and I feel I deserve it. He finally said fine to meet at a place by his house, I knew he was going to use it as a decoy to leave, but I went either way, our cars crossed and I saw his face, he had the audacity to smile and drive away. I texted him that it was a crappy move of him to do that, I also told him I don't take him serious on not wanting me around because he wont say it to my face.

I don't know what to do. I can't let him go that easy, my heart, my gut, my head tell me its just a bad moment for him and that he is scared. What do I do? I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't want one. My main focus right now is to find a stable job and a place to live with my daughter. Having him would just complete the picture for me. My happiness and motivation does not depend on him, please know that. I just don't know if I should expect him to come back, I mean its not like I would reject him if he did, I'm not that kind of person. I want nothing but the best for him even if its not with me. Please Help.

 

[amethist]

He finally said fine to meet at a place by his house, I knew he was going to use it as a decoy to leave, but I went either way, our cars crossed and I saw his face, he had the audacity to smile and drive away.

Seems like you backed him into a corner and he ran. Some sufferers cant handle relationships, no matter how much we want them to.

If the only way you can walk away is by getting him to tell you face to face that it is over, you may be waiting a long time. You may just have to let this one go and move forward with your own life.

As you said your main focus at the moment is to find a stable job and place to live to care for your daughter. I would concentrate your efforts on those things for now. If he does come back into your life it is a bonus, but for now please concentrate on yourself and your daughter.

Its a hard life being a supporter of PTSD, so far you have only scratched the surface. If your struggling now, maybe its not a life for you.

 

[Iamhere]

Seems like you backed him into a corner and he ran. Some sufferers cant handle relationships, no matter how much we want them to..

Yea I did. I love him and I've never loved like this before. All I've done is give him his space and moved at his pace with out pressuring him. I just want to know if I should expect for him to come back? Do you think I've done anything wrong? He's on meds and goes to see a therapist. We both think he needs to hit rock bottom before coming back up. Is it true?

 

[kahlan]

He doesn't seem to be in a place he can handle a relationship right now. As hard as it may seem moving ahead with just you and your daughter is probably the best thing to do. If he ever does "come around" you may find that its no longer what yoy want or need and there's no guarantee that he will ever come back around :/

 

[Iamhere]

He doesn't seem to be in a place he can handle a relationship right now. :/

How will I know if he's done for good? I didn't ask for a relationship, we were just friends and he said "I love you" first. I never pressured him to love me or to settle down with me. That's why I need complete face to face closure.

 

[nursenurse]

He's drawn his line. How much more crummy treatment must you take before you find your self esteem? Be good to yourself and your daughter, this isn't fair to her, to be bringing the instability into her life. You are showing her that it is okay to be walked all over. Yes you've given him space, he reels you in so far, and casts you out again. Is this what you want to role model for your daughter? Because believe me, she is watching and learning. Both with your on again, off again relationship with Dad, and with this guy. You need to work on yourself and your own issues as well, and present a united and healthy front to your daughter.

 

[lcb]

You may not have clarity now but be strong for your daughter if nothing else.

It does not sound healthy for you to be around him. Even more so your daughter doesn't need to see you be treated that way. Also one day he may treat her that way.

It's easier for me to be stronger thinking about doing what's best my child.

 

[JarHed]

As a combat vet with PTSD, I'll tell you that his actions are 'normal' for someone suffering from it. My questions would be; is he getting treatment?, how long has he been out of the service? I ask these because he sounds like someone at the beginning of it all. Even if he's been out a while when the symptoms of Combat PTSD arrive it's just the start of a very long and rocky road for him and anyone else he's associated with.

I don't want to sound cruel but after only 4 or 5 months into a relationship you're both at the beginning of it. I'd say to you, be his friend if you feel like it may help him. But you can't as someone else said, 'back him into a corner'. He'll be gone in a sec. PTSD is hell on relationships, sorry to say so but it's better to understand the truth than 'hope that he'll change' or something.

Time is the factor. If he seeks or is getting help that's good for him. It may not help your relationship but he can't do it for him no matter how much you care. We all wish that was different but it isn't.

JarHed

 

[Iamhere]

Is he getting treatment?, how long has he been out of the service?....I'd say to you, be his friend if you feel like it may help him.
JarHed

He's been out for almost a year I think. Yes he is getting help. He goes to the VA and goes to a therapist on his own 2 times a week and is on his meds. I want to be his friend. I'm not asking for a relationship despite the love I feel for him. Do you think I just need to be patient? And let him come around?

 

[nursenurse]

You already admit love, so the friendship thing is out, because it is very difficult to fight those feelings and rein them in once they are there. Move on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm more concerned with your stalker-ish behavior! I would have done the duck move as well if someone told me they were going to sit outside my house until I came out! He's told you 45 different ways that he can't handle it, but you won't accept it unless the words that come out of his mouth are the EXACT words you need for "closure" which I think is just another excuse! It's not his job to give you closure. You find that within yourself.

 

[Iamhere]

I'm more concerned with your stalker-ish behavior! I would have done the duck move as well if someone told me they were going to sit outside my house.

I was already by his house, that's why we had plans. He knew I wasn't really all that serious about sitting outside all day, after all I did have my daughter. And what do you mean "excuse"?