Sexual Assault Is It Same Benefit If Tell Story Only To Therapist And Not Friends & Family?

[WonderingWhy]

I have been thinking a lot about getting my "story" out. I see how telling it can be a bit of relief.
I am curious as to whether those that shared only with their therapist had as good of a result as those that shared with also their friends and family.

I just can't imagine telling those close to me.

Just wondering how it went for others.

What were the reactions of those close to you if you decided to tell them, especially if it had occurred years prior.

 

[Crusoe]

I suppose it's a very personal opinion that people will give here as all of our experiences and preferences will be diverse. I have told what I class as three categories of people: friends, family and colleagues, Counsellors and the police. I reacted in three very different ways in each case. Personally I would prefer not to talk about how they reacted to what I told them as every single person reacted completely differently and also because I don't believe that how others react is the issue. The issue for me is how I felt about telling them and whether it benefited my healing or not.

Friends and family - I often felt regretful of having told friends and family and colleagues in case they ever used it against me in the future or in case they thought less of me. That was purely down to my insecurities though. When I felt like that I was at a point in my healing where I desperately HAD to get it out because I couldn't tolerate keeping it in any more. Although after the event I wished I hadn't told them, I now realise that it was something I NEEDED to do to survive and feel ok with the fact that some people now know. I am also more of the opinion that if they do think less of me for it then that is THEIR issue and most definitely NOT mine.

Counsellors - I feel and always have felt completely (ok maybe a little bit of an exaggeration) at ease telling a counsellor about my "stuff" (provided that they are ok with that too) for three main reasons: 1) The counsellors that I have seen have always made me feel that if I told them I wouldn't be judged and when I did tell them that has proved true. 2) I don't feel that they will be as shocked as other untrained people might. 3) My aim is to heal as fast as I possibly can and if want to do that then I know I am not allowing that to happen as fast as it could unless I am open and honest with my counsellor - kind of a bite the bullet and tell them whether I want to or not in order to speed up the healing process. That's just the way that I work though and we are all different.

The police - OK I know many of us feel very guilty indeed (I can remember feeling the same myself) for not having reported and my aim here isn't to try to convince people that they should or shouldn't go to the police, nor is it to make people feel bad. It is merely to explain how going to the police helped me in an extremely unexpected way. I reported but was unsuccessful in even getting them to interview the guy which of course was very distressing for me. However, as soon as I had made my video statement a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. In effect going to the police did not have the effect that I was aiming for (to get a prosecution) but instead had the effect of moving me on in my healing, which was the last thing that I was expecting to be honest.

I hope that that is helpful in some way but we all react in different ways so just because I reacted well to telling person x doesn't mean that anyone else would react the same. If only things were that simple eh.

xxxxx

 

[sisterinsurvival]

In regard to family, I had a very negative experience with my mother. I had "protected" her from my molestation for thirty years. Finally, at the age of thirty-eight, I shared. Her response was "that that was a long time ago, and I should be over it by now." I was devastated at her lack of sensitivity and concern. I also told a close cousin. She wasn't unsupportive though she was quite reticent about the situation. I got the feeling that she just couldn't believe what I was telling her. She has had a bit of a past herself, and I have wondered if I was striking a nerve with her that she wanted to avoid. I haven't told anyone else in my family other than my husband who met and married me not long after my adult abuse. He knows everything and without his support I wouldn't have made it this far.

As for the friends I have shared with, I have had positive experiences. All have been supportive, and in my work situation, it has helped to have someone there who knows my issues. I didn't know that she had grown up across the street from the man I was involved with as an adult, but she did. To hear her say that she could see how he would do it somehow served to validate my feelings toward all that was done to me.

To begin, I was mortified at the thought of approaching a counselor. In fact, the first contact I had was through a cryptic e-mail. I think it must have been one of a very few that he had ever received. He did e-mail me back and asked me to call. That was one of the most shaky phone conversations I have ever had. Once an appointment was scheduled, I was apprehensive, but when I arrived, I felt as if I was going to explode if I didn't start talking about my situation. I have worked with a couple of other counselors/therapists since then and have had no issue with sharing my story.

A piece of advise from one of therapists might be appropriate to share here. He said to always assess the situation and be certain that I had a good reason to share. Was the person I was talking to worthy of the trust that I was placing in them, and what might the future outcome be? Was there the chance that I could be hurt further by being to open with the person that I was disclosing my story to. I don't think his point was to encourage a life shrouded in secrets as much as to insure that I was safe from further harm.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I hope that that is helpful in some way but we all react in different ways so just because I reacted well to telling person x doesn't mean that anyone else would react the same. If only things were that simple eh.
xxxxx

Crusoe,
I want to thank you for sharing and yes it helped a lot.:)

 

[WonderingWhy]

A piece of advise from one of therapists might be appropriate to share here. He said to always assess the situation and be certain that I had a good reason to share. Was the person I was talking to worthy of the trust that I was placing in them, and what might the future outcome be? Was there the chance that I could be hurt further by being to open with the person that I was disclosing my story to. I don't think his point was to encourage a life shrouded in secrets as much as to insure that I was safe from further harm.

Sisterinsurvival,
I really do appreciate your post. I think from what both you and Crusoe said it helps a lot. When and if I decide to tell my story and to who I choose to do so.

I think the advise the therapist gave you is excellent! I am glad you shared that. It I think is very good advice.

I think it answered a question I didn't even realize I had. Which now I know was there. "Could telling my story possibly make me feel worse?

I know now that yes it could. I will consider very thoughtfully who I tell before sharing.

Thank You both you have both been quite helpful.

 

[sisterinsurvival]

Sharing your story in therapy has the very real potential of making you feel worse before you begin to feel the positive effects. Is there a post somewhere about that...possibly on the PTSD Forum? Does anyone else know?

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi WW,

You pretty much know my history about telling my 'story'. In all of this I have only told my family and friends recently (maybe 4 months ago). And I have really only shared the one sentence "I was raped by a stranger at knife point, when I was 20 years old". Yes, I have shared a little more with regards to the circumstances and location, with my family.

I was always adamant that I would never tell my parents. I reaIly didn't want my family to suffer too. I felt there was no reason for anyone else to suffer because of his actions. When it first happened, my parents were on holiday, so I went home to an empty house. By the time they got back from holiday, I was deep in denial, so I never told them.

On the night I told my parents, I was in a really bad place. I called 2 of my friends. They weren't in a position to look after me, so decided to take me to my parents house, 40 miles away. I was in no position to disagree with them. My parents were deeply upset to hear what had happened to me. They were also very upset that I hadn't told them sooner. It was strangely enough, made easier for me to tell them, because my friends were by my side. Bearing in mind that my friends had never met my parents before. To be honest it was all very sureal, and I was so distressed that I only have limited memories of it. My parents, who I've always had a good relationship with, just wanted to protect me and find ways to 'make me better'. I laid down some boundaries pretty quick. I asked them to take me back to my home. They were reluctant, but I promised to tell them, if I was unwell. My mother has called me on the phone every single day since I told her. That does my head in a bit, but I also know that she just wants to help, so we are still working on a compromise! I think we are all getting used to this 'new' relationship. But we will get there. The downfalls, are far outweighed by the love and support that my family has shown me.

Of course, I realise that everyone has different relationships with their family and friends.

I honestly believe that 'details', need only be shared with your therapist. But that the basics can be shared with trusted family and friends with very good results. You really need to be careful who you share this with. But anyone who loves you, should support you. And to be honest, if they don't support you, they are not worth knowing.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Thank you for sharing. I guess it helps to try to have as much insight as possible as to what to possibly expect.
Maybe in someway it gives me a sense of control, the more knowledge or preperation I have.

I am still a bit numb from all that is going on.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't know whether you will ever be prepared for it. And I'm not trying to scare you. But honestly, I wish I told my family years ago. They have acted so much more positively than I would ever have expected. 'We' tend to dwell on the negatives and don't give any of the 'positive' options too much thought. I've done it, I think we all have. But just stop for a moment to consider the possible positive outcomes.

 

[WonderingWhy]

The biggest reason I have not told my family, as I do believe they would be supportive. As a parent myself I would want to know, however I know the pain and torment I would feel if MY daughter went through what I have. I do not want to be responsible for causing them that kind of pain. Their knowing want change what happened, but it will pain them.

We each can only to what we feel is best. Right now I just need to wrap my mind around telling even the most basic of details.:(

 

[Nyx]

My therapist once told me that unresolved trauma can be "passed on" from one generation to another. I tend to believe that, as my mother went through a rape when she was 19 or 20 years old - as was I. I'm not trying to freak you out right now, it's just something that has been considered to happen. So when you think about sharing, take that possibility into account. I know I will..

 

[cherryblossom]

The biggest reason I have not told my family, as I do believe they would be supportive. As a parent myself I would want to know, however I know the pain and torment I would feel if MY daughter went through what I have. I do not want to be responsible for causing them that kind of pain. Their knowing want change what happened, but it will pain them.

I felt exactly the same as you for years. Like I said before, I was adamant that I would never tell them. But when I hit rock bottom, I was kind of forced into the situation, as I have described. But honestly, I love my friends to bits, for forcing my hand. Telling my parents has been the best thing that I've done for a long time. They have been amazing!!
If you think they will be supportive, then I seriously recommend you tell them. It does the world of good, having people on your side. Seriously. It starts to 'break the silence'. Keeping 'secrets' takes it's toll. Even on the strongest of people. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, when I told my family. Like I said. I only told them the basic facts, and how it was affecting me now. No specific details.

Anyway, only you can decide. And I'm not trying to pressure you into it. Just give it some serious thought.