Relationship Is it sometimes best to not say anything at all?

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

First, I want to say again how humbled I am to be able to reach out for help and guidance and advice and support from everyone here. Everything I've read and have been told has meant so much to me and has taught me a great many things.

So, my Vet and I are still not together. It has only been a couple of weeks since he told me he needed to walk away but that he was coming back. Some days feel more like months. I am fortunate because he still texts every morning to wish me a good day, to ask if I slept well, and to tell me he loves me. He texts periodically through the day when he is not working. And every night, he facetimes to tell me he loves me and to say goodnight. I feel as though I need some guidance from supporters and sufferers as far as my communication with my Vet. We had always been very open with feelings and never held back. Since he has become what I believe to be symptomatic, he has held back and I believe it is because his PTSD is in control. The struggle I have is, for lack of a better phrase, keeping my mouth shut. Tonight is a prime example. I made the mistake of saying perhaps it'd be best for him if I walked away until he felt better in his own life. BIG MISTAKE. He has consistently said he needs me in his life, wants me in his life, and one day wants us to get married and have a family. I believe what I said hurt him and hit a button I should not be hitting. Within a single breath he went from telling me he loved me to raising his voice and becoming enraged. I understand it is his PTSD. I realize what I said filled the PTSD cup to its breaking point.

Truth be told, I immediately regretted what I said because that is not at all how I feel. I just feel helpless at times and wonder if there is anything I can do. I realize all I can do is love him, support him from afar, and be here when he is ready. I guess my question is, is it best not to say anything at all at times? I too reach a point when I say things I don't mean but with what he is going through, I feel I need to make more of an effort to think before I speak.

Also, I mentioned the word "symptomatic" and I use that word carefully because I am still learning. When someone says their Vet is symptomatic, what does that really mean? I know I will never truly understand what my Vet is thinking, feeling, going through aside from what he shares, but I want to try to understand what I can about PTSD.

Thank you all, again, for everything.

 

[Snowflakes]

I guess my question is, is it best not to say anything at all at times?

That’s the hard part. Sometimes saying nothing is taken the wrong way. Truth be told, sometimes saying nothing is the lesser of 2 evils. I don’t mean that to be cruel, it’s just that often we don’t know. I have gotten to the point that I just speak my mind. It’s not my nature to be cruel or negative in my conversation and I truly know what I mean even if my sufferer takes it the wrong way. I think you’ll eventually find what works for you and your vet by trial and error. At the end of the day, we just do the best we can.

When someone says their Vet is symptomatic, what does that really mean?

My sufferer is not a vet but, in my case, when she is symptomatic, something is bothering her, I don’t know what it is because she isn’t saying, and I know it’s time to back away and give her space. It’s during that time where nothing I say will be right or helpful which then my advice above doesn’t fly. If I screw up and not realize she is symptomatic and my words set her off, I just try not to take it personally and give her space.

Others will share their experiences. This is just my story. Take care.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it best not to say anything at times?

Well yes, if you are saying things that you don’t mean.

Simple rule....Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Your scenario isn’t so much about holding back as it is about telling the truth.

Symptomatic means someone is showing PTSD symptoms in one way or another. Symptomatic means something different for everyone as we all have this disorder in our own unique ways. (Someone recently posted the exact number of ways you can experience PTSD....the number is very much up there....in the hundreds of thousands I think?) Are you familiar with the DSM and the possible symptoms it lists?

 

[Sweetpea76]

he still texts every morning to wish me a good day, to ask if I slept well, and to tell me he loves me.

And every night, he facetimes to tell me he loves me and to say goodnight.

This sounds pretty positive for somebody who said he had to walk away. Can this be enough for you right now though? Serious question... it's OK if it is not, but it seems like that's all he can manage right now.

Truth be told, I immediately regretted what I said because that is not at all how I feel. I just feel helpless at times and wonder if there is anything I can do

No, there really isn't anything you can do. He is working through some things, and he has to do it on his own. You're stress. Even good stress is stress.

I guess my question is, is it best not to say anything at all at times?

Sometimes, yes. Pick your battles. Make sure that if you're bringing stress it's worth the fall out. Relationship drama when somebody says they cannot handle a relationship isn't going to be very productive.

with what he is going through, I feel I need to make more of an effort to think before I speak.

Sometimes you do. Being in a PTSD relationship, I have learned to hold my tongue and curb my temper. Like I said before, pick your battles.

When someone says their Vet is symptomatic, what does that really mean?

It means that they're experiencing a lot of PTSD symptoms. Their stress cup is full.

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

I think you’ll eventually find what works for you and your vet by trial and error. At the end of the day, we just do the best we can.

That honestly makes complete sense to me. This is still very new to me and as with many things in life it is a trial and error. And I could not agree more that we just do the best we can. That is all we can do... is our best.

I just try not to take it personally and give her space.

I think that may be one issue I have... taking this personally. It's best that I try to understand that what is happening is not because of me, as he himself has told me. It is just hard at times not to take it personally when the one you love needs to push you away, but I am starting to understand he has done so to protect me and our relationship.

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

Simple rule....Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Your scenario isn’t so much about holding back as it is about telling the truth.

You could not be more right. I should never say something I don't mean because it is dishonest and it will only create more issues that neither he nor I need. Thank you, thank you so much for pointing that out to me.

Symptomatic means someone is showing PTSD symptoms in one way or another.

Although I assumed that is what it meant, I wanted to make sure I asked for clarification because I have made the effort to end my days of assuming... thank you for telling me.

Are you familiar with the DSM and the possible symptoms it lists?

In my studies I have become somewhat familiar with the DSM; however, in regards to PTSD, I am not familiar with the symptoms listed in the DSM. Is that information something I can locate on the internet?

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

This sounds pretty positive for somebody who said he had to walk away. Can this be enough for you right now though? Serious question... it's OK if it is not, but it seems like that's all he can manage right now.

To hear that this sounds positive only strengthens my faith and my hope. A serious, honest answer to your question is that for me, there are moments when I don't know if this is enough. But, in my heart, for now, it is enough because I love him and I know without a doubt he loves me. And what he is able to manage gives me hope. He often surprises me when he randomly will say he misses me or instead of "I love you" he will say, "I love you with all of my heart". And at night, when I see him on facetime, he has smiled and laughed. That for me makes this all worth it.

No, there really isn't anything you can do. He is working through some things, and he has to do it on his own. You're stress. Even good stress is stress.

I was certain there was not anything else I could do. I realize now that whether good or bad, any "extra" stress will fill his cup over.

Sometimes, yes. Pick your battles. Make sure that if you're bringing stress it's worth the fall out. Relationship drama when somebody says they cannot handle a relationship isn't going to be very productive.

This puts things into perspective for me and it is sound advice. I believe we have all learned we should pick our battles. And you're right, it has to be worth the fall out and I definitely will put this into motion because some things are definitely better left unsaid.

Sometimes you do. Being in a PTSD relationship, I have learned to hold my tongue and curb my temper. Like I said before, pick your battles.

Biting my tongue has never been my strong suit. Everything that is going on is definitely a learning experience for me and has taught me a lot about myself already. While I don't believe I should change who I am, I do believe in making the effort to hold my tongue out of respect for him, for myself, and for the relationship.

It means that they're experiencing a lot of PTSD symptoms. Their stress cup is full.

This makes perfect sense. I am so grateful to have been introduced to the stress cup explanation.

 

[Freida]

Yea.....to talk or not to talk...that is the question.... And sometimes it's one the supporters can't win. Do I want hubby to tell me what he's thinking when I'm being a pain in the ass? Yep. Unless I dont. Honestly I'm not saying that to be snarky...that's how it works when I'm in that place. Trial and error

Symptomatic for me means I'm agitated..and hubby usually notices before I do. I get twitchy and short tempered and have a hard time concentrating. It feels like my brain is eating itself. When I get really bad he says I just check out. And I guess it's true. I don't really see him...even if he is right next to me. But this is a huge improvement because before I would take off...now I ignore him but at least I stay in the house. It doesn't do any good for him to try to have a conversation with me because it just doesn't register. Which makes me feel guilty because I know he's yammering at me about important crap but it doesn't make sense.

When my stress cup is full Im not safe. EVERYTHING is a threat and it puts those around me in danger too. So it's better that I separate myself from them. It's the only way for them to survive. Do I know that's unreasonable? Sometimes. Do I know we are safe? Nope

That's the not taking it personally thing..... when I'm in that space hubby no longer exists. Because it's not about him. It's about me fighting my monsters. and I can't imagine how hard that must be for him

 

[Mytime]

@RN-Loving-A-Vet I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. I just want to respond in a different point of view.
Your Vet has asked for some time apart to get treatment and his symptoms under control. He has done that to protect you, him and the relationship.
He texts, FaceTimes you, tells you he loves you, ect. He has tried to make this as easy as he can on you.
So what is it inside of you that has a hard time with giving him the space he needs. I’m not judging in anyway. I just know for myself, I had my own issues to work on to be a supporter. To be a supporter you really do have to be ok with giving space to your SO when he needs it. It not a one time thing. He’s trying his best to make you feel safe and loved in the relationship. What work can you do for yourself, to feel safe and loved in your relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I understand how hard it is. But looking inward or getting some therapy yourself may help with the relationship in the long run. Sending a hug it you except.

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

When my stress cup is full Im not safe. EVERYTHING is a threat

The more and more I think about and appreciate the stress cup, the more I believe I am beginning to understand... at least as much as I can. I realize that right now, though my Vet is making as much effort as he can to give me hope and to show me he loves me, I still need to respect and understand that he is dealing with so many things that I may never understand and I need to be a constant and a support and safe place for him, even if only at a distance right now.

That's the not taking it personally thing..... when I'm in that space hubby no longer exists. Because it's not about him. It's about me fighting my monsters. and I can't imagine how hard that must be for him

As a supporter it is incredibly difficult to feel as though you must remain on the sidelines and watch the one you love go through so much. With that being said, I cannot imagine how hard it is for my Vet or for any sufferer and I truly respect him as well as you, and all those who endure.

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

hope you don’t take this the wrong way.

I could not possibly take any message or advice the wrong way as I am open to what anyone has to say and I appreciate the time you took to share your wisdom.

So what is it inside of you that has a hard time with giving him the space he needs.

Truth be told, I believe the one thing within me that makes this such a struggle is how much I truly love him and how much I know he truly loves me. And, perhaps a flaw of mine is that I grew up being a "fixer" and as I have grown up I have realized I cannot fix everything or everyone. But when someone I love is in so much torment due to sadness, anger, etc I feel so helpless when there is nothing I can do. With that being said, we are approaching 3 weeks since he told me he needed to walk away for now and I believe I have been making progress of my own giving him space. I guess you could say I wait for him. I go on about my day, I work, go to school, take care of myself, and when he reaches out then I reach back. I don't hover. I don't text or call. I just let him breathe and allow myself the time to breathe as well.

What work can you do for yourself, to feel safe and loved in your relationship.

But looking inward or getting some therapy yourself may help with the relationship in the long run.

For myself, I continue on. I get up each day and I live my life and accomplish what i set out for each day. I do agree that therapy is something that could help me personally and have already reached out to a local therapist, so I thank you so much for that insight. And thank you again for taking time to reach out to me. It means so much.

 

[EveHarrington]

You could not be more right. I should never say something I don't mean because it is dishonest...

Yes, the DSM symptoms can be found in multiple places online.

I must say that I’m very optimistic about your situation in regards to a future between you and your vet. He is being open and honest with you, and staying in contact. Most of the stories I’ve read where the sufferer needs space....let’s just say that most take a LOT more space than your guy. But, at the end of the day, what matters is if you can handle this situation. Being a supporter is not easy, even under the best of circumstances.