Is it the alcohol? (flashbacks)

[croatoa]

Hi! I'm new here, so not sure if I'm doing this right.

I got ~soft~ diagnosed c-ptsd a couple years ago (the psyche said it seems like I have the symptoms but didn't write an official diagnosis--am diagnosed/medicated for bipolar II though.) I brushed it off initially b/c I thought ptsd was only for people in combat, or who'd experienced sexual assault, which luckily, I've experienced neither. I fixate on my trauma/anxiety/rage nearly constantly, but I didn't have proper flashbacks, which is why I didn't trust the diagnosis.

About two months ago, I was on vacation, and I got very drunk one night. When I went back to the room, I was suddenly overwhelmed with childhood memories of trauma--mind you, I think about these events all the time, but with a level of dissociation or general emotional distance. It's always there so I've gotten used to it. But this was different. I was sobbing and couldn't stop. I realized that I'd started hyperventilating and when I opened my eyes I was dizzy because I literally had forgotten where I was.

This was the first time this happened. The second was last night. I got super trashed, and I don't know why, but suddenly, I was emotionally crippled. I needed to pick up some extra work but I couldn't do it. I don't remember what I was upset with initially, but usually it cycles back to self loathing. I was crying on the train, and when I got home, all I could do was sob and think about how when I was a kid, these girls would follow me into the bathroom and watch me and laugh. Like, literally into the stall. I remember at the time finally telling my mom, and she freaked out, getting them into trouble. (This was the 1st grade.) This is hardly the worst bullying that happened, and at the time, it didn't really affect me this viscerally. This was the first time it ever fully hit me how awful it was, and I couldn't stop blaming myself. "Why did they pick ME? What did I do to bring it on myself?" My friends heard me and cheered me up (my one friend also has ptsd so they get it.)

I think this is all alcohol induced. I called the suicide hotline (I just needed someone to talk to who I didn't know) b/c I'm panicked b/c I'm unemployed and I'm hundreds of dollars behind on rent, and b/c I'm stressed I go out and binge drink lately, spending more money & spiralling. I've been way overeating too. I have mice in my room & I twitch a lot, constantly paranoid I see one. My dad said not to worry about money, that he'll take care of it for now, but I don't think they have any idea how f*cked I am and how ruined I'm being. Not to mention, my dad is a pretty big f*cking portion of my ptsd, and he was abusive when I was a kid b/c he was an alcoholic. sweet.

I'm going to not drink for a while. I don't know if I should stop completely (but probably.) I've had more instances blacking out since I was put on my mood stabilizers and overall I just don't think it's helping me while I'm so f*ckin distraut over nothing.

I guess I was just wondering if I'm alone in having alcohol induced flashback. I don't even know these qualify as flashbacks, but they were so engrossing and real that I guess that's what it is. I guess I just didn't want to feel alone in this.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you're not alone in having alcohol induced flashbacks.

What is a "proper" flashback?

I ask as I have a hunch you may be experiencing emotional flashbacks and just don't know it.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Alcohol is called "spirits" for a reason, in my opinion, and it's the kind I can't afford to hang with any longer. I used to binge drink in my late teens/early 20s, blacked out often, got taken advantage of in the worst of ways, managed to create even more traumatic events, and made some of the stupidest choices, ever, while heavily intoxicated.

Then I also learned alcohol was creating long-term, albeit subtle, havoc within various innards, too, and that sealed the deal on me no longer wishing to consume it. (aside from a few drops of a tincture or flower essence on occasion) The "fun" I used to have to prime my pump for with alcohol was just another way of me avoiding all that was real, at the time.

It's definitely not a healthy consumption choice, nor a healthy treatment tool for my particular biology, even if I choose to only consume one or two drinks vs. a case of beer or a whole bottle of wild turkey, as I used to. May you find some more gentle and genuinely helpful methods of dealing with the mind demons of the past.

 

[Deleted member 44517]

Alcohol can do that. If you are a heavy drinker cutting back is a great idea but don't stop cold turkey. That can be dangerous too. You are probably aware that you shouldn't be mixing alcohol with mood stabilizers.

I don't drink to excess very often but I remember one time when I did several years ago. Ended up sobbing on the bathroom floor and became terrified of men. Not fun. Don't want to do that again.