Is It Time For Me To Go?

[Tinyflame]

Dear KP- you are so dear- I will bring the chocolate and the wine :)
My umbrella would always be big enough for you- but your heart is AWFULLY LARGE :) xoxox

Dear PTSD Sufferer- I wish you weren't a sufferer, but thank you for your understanding, and support- yes, I am often sideways, lol- 180 degrees in the wrong direction (but I am consistent, lol). But truly, thank you.

Dear Mrs T, I can't begin to express what your words mean, I know you adore your husband and what a Blessing you must be to him. And your beautiful children!

I am so amazed at your words, I have yes often worried that I am selfish, with the ptsd especially. And- yikes, 'letting it all hang out' here I guess, I have to say I literally have run the other way from marriage because I couldn't grasp that "am lovable' part- could not envision 'doing that' to anyone as a 'life sentence'. I really don't feel like I have much 'worth'. BUT I am going to try to take all of your and these words to heart. And they do make me feel better, xoxox. I don't even know what to say, except thank you so much and I hope your own journey gets better- you are so very kind I know.

PTSD is so weird: you wake up one morning and it just seems so 'reasonable' to see yourself, your life, your relationships- all as being better off without you. It is really hard to feel worthwhile (just speaking for myself), or to feel you have a purpose (beyond aggravating others- ugh).

I think that people like you who choose to be supporters, must have Very Unique and Special, Boundless Hearts :) :inlove: They (you) are the Ones who really should get all the credit.
xoxox

I must say, how lucky/ Blessed I am to have such a beautiful thing come out of such a lousy one!

 

[Tinyflame]

And Dear Mrst T, you deserve the BEST for sure. :)
And please don't worry about 'venting'- Thank God you can!!!

And you are right- it is feeling guilty (for lack of any word) for feeling 'good'. 'Not entitled', maybe.

I hope one day I do/ can bring joy and comfort to others.
(((((((Mrs T))))))), ((((All)))))

 

[Mina]

I hope one day I do/ can bring joy and comfort to others.

Quit selling yourself short, JB...you have, and you do. I joined the forum 3.5 years ago, and during my time here, you've been kind, helpful, thoughtful, encouraging, and a friend - whether you've known it or not, and whether I've said it or not (I probably haven't...and I apologize for that). You deserve happiness and goodness in your life, and you've brought those things to my life. Thank you!

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Mina, thank you too, same here, and Hugs. I've missed you!

I think I am not managing my environment well, the rest bleeds over, in weird 'back-door' ways, it seems. :(
-The environment has so many triggers- it's beyond exposure.

 

[Mina]

(((hugs))) Is there anything you can do to change, alter, or control your environment? Even something small, that might make things feel more manageable?

 

[suzie q]

Please don't saboutage (spelling?) what you have worked so hard on obtaining. When I feel like I am in a rut, I want to just quit. You are, and have been, working hard to make sense of where you are in your life and what you want. Get rid of all the negative people, places, and things and stay with the winners.

You can take your "power" back and focus on YOUR future health and well-being. Co-dependency was a close friend of mine for way to long. When good things started to happen, I felt uncomfortable and would continue to not see the good in my life. Wishing you well as you continue on your journey. You are stronger and healthier than you think!!

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((((Junebug))))))))))))))
From what I'm understanding about this process of recovery there will be bumps in the road, I would encourage you to use the support system that you have built up to help get your through this. Just because we learn these things doesn't mean we have to do it all on our own ;).

peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Lionheart]

(((((((Junebug)))))))

*You have been nothing less than kind, caring, wise, compassionate, and supportive to me in the time I have known you and I am honored to call you my friend! If you stay or if you go, still I hope we will always be friends.

hugs,
LH

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Mina, Suzie q, Rain, you are right, as the others here. It is my responsibilty to do that, I have put it 'off the list'. And Mina you are right- that's what I did last night, and it helped. And am sure was only able to going on faith thanks to your support here and reminding me what to do. Xox, thank you, xox.

Dear LH, thank you for your sweet words and I feel the same! It's not the forum- I didn't even feel that way about it- just more like a 'rock on others' parachutes"!
Yes, I would be honored too, xox :)

 

[Eleanor]

Junebug, When I was at one of my lowest points ever, yours was one of the hands that reached out and pulled me back up. I felt loved and cared for across space and time. Why, oh why, would you ever think that you were not the precious gift to those you touch? None of us are perfect... except in those moments when we are, and those make up for all the rest. Many hugs!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Eleanor- thank you :cry:
xox

To be honest Eleanor, I think I realize with posting this thread and the responses, that I've tried to be lately what other people 'expect' me to be, or 'do' or 'think' or 'want', in the meantime not 'being' or getting what I need just to cope and live. In the meantime, I understand from their feedback, the looks, etc, that most people don't understand what I need to get by, survive and also just the' 'why's' and 'what-for's"- their reasoning is actually opposite to 'me'/ 'how' I am/ what I think or feel, my perspective on 'life'/ the world/ my own self.

I think that one day when I die my life will likely be viewed by others (and perhaps myself as well), as having had no purpose. But I hope, that maybe God (if you believe in a Higher Power or Spirit of some sort) might have accomplished something. I hope so because I don't know how to 'be' someone else, be stronger, or 'be' better.

 

[Eleanor]

I do believe. Rick Warren - who wrote "The Purpose Driven Life " ( who people have some strong and often really ill informed opinions about - but that's just me being defensive) anyway, he has a TED.com talk. And he says in it, and I think he's right here, that God smiles when we are being most ourselves. I am coming around to the view that my ideas about what is "good" and "bad" in myself and others are too narrow. Things I think are bad in me are good, and good are bad... sometimes. I'm deciding I need to just be what I am in the best way I'm able (which often these days seems not very "good" at all by my own lights) right then. I do seem to be charged with the duty to know myself well enough to take care of myself (a thing I am so adept at that I have had to take disability from work...:( so working on this) But its not anybody else's job, its mine, and I'm the only one who can do it, and somebody has to...so to heck with what others think about my efforts to take care of me. (brave words, grasshopper!:ninja:) I'm guessing you are your job as well, as this is an arrangement that seems to make more sense than the alternatives. So... maybe if you promise to take care of yourself and not apologize for it, I will too.:D

I don't know you in "embodied" life, but I think maybe my friend Dave McKibbon's life and death might be a good example to reflect on here. Dave was my horse-shoer and a person who had many many "issues." He was my horse shoer because he had tried to commit suicide and the guy who ran the boarding ranch where my horse (who should have been crippled, he had such bad feet) rescued him, and let him live in a trailer on the property. (Dave, not my horse) He also happened to be (IMHO) the greatest horseshoer of the 20th century. He was also impossible. He was horrible with money. He struggled with drugs. He might have had a gambling problem. The one thing you knew for sure when you made an appointment to have him shoe your horse was that he was NOT going to make it. He was dismal at relationships. He was, by conventional measures a total and complete disaster. He also had appalling taste in clothes. So you might think, when he died suddenly of a heart attack at 50, that no one would notice. But what actually happened was that they had to open up the "wing" of the chapel at the funeral place and he had the biggest and teariest crowd the funeral director could remember. He was a hero to me and I cry for him still. I know he wouldn't mind me saying these things, he'd just laugh and say, "Write away, Treasure!" (He called females of every species "Treasure")

FWIW, Junebug, I think that someday (in the hopefully far far distant future) when you die, people will cry, and laugh and be very very sorry that you are gone. We human beings seem to be poor judges of our own worth )good or bad. And God always accomplishes whatever needs to be done, with whatever we offer God to work with. ( I think I took this from the TED talk too...)