Forgive me, but I cannot find the thread I was looking for of where to put this, but thought it was important I write it down.
I was thinking agin, of people happy around me, and how I feel happy for that. And recall my dad (who seemed to have undiagnosed ptsd but I will never know), doing the same, being happy about it (us happy around him). But also how he (just like I do) had other thoughts, certainly 'the bottom falling out', I don't know if he had self-reproach though some I know of. And how physically and mentally better he did with a break, doing things that reduced stress, having loving and understanding people around, how stable my mom was, how much he trusted her (implicitly). How he said "this was what I needed"- a holiday, working outside, loving people around him, laughter, sunshine- and his cancer (severe metastases/ weight loss but was undiagnosed) went in to remission.
And I was thinking of how amazing it is to find on the forum so many people with similar questins/ problems/ symptoms, things one would think no one else could relate to or experiences. :wideeyed: !
Anyways, was just thinking of a lot of things, that people being happy doesn't mean I have to leave; that this ptsd stuff (after so many decades, that itself forms part of my impression and thoughts about it) is just part of the ride (for my life); that 'definitions' or conventional things may not be as applicable to me, but that doesn't mean I don't adapt, or for me different versions are sort of applicable, whatever it's in regards to. That ptsd is a pressure-cooker, and after years (and oddly enough watching my abused dog) I think kindness and relief go a long way, since 'processing' and symptoms and reminders or triggers shall always likely be there at some level (for her and I both). Just as some are still here decades later, even if they don't cause me emotional pain the same way (eg interrupted sleep, night terrors, nightsweats, etc).
I realized recently too I am not 'inclined' to trust. Not just that it's difficult, or being aware and just trying to overcome it. It just doesn't occur to me to try to do it. I don't mean to be judgmental of others, I just don't think of an option of trusting them, either.
I liked @
CrazyHorse 's concept of carrying on without trauma-processing all the time, in her thread (I'm sorry I don't know the title). Thank you CrazyHorse. :tup: :hug: As she said, her Dr said some might think that's counter-intuitive to suggest. But I mean, it's there, but I can't 'fix it' in one go so I think it's best (like providing for my dog) to focus on safety and happiness. Normally I would call it 'balance', but balance (or reducing the pressure in the pressure cooker) is hard to achieve when there's no energy left after processing. I wasn't out to 'rehabilitate' my dog, just to love her and help and do for her (because of her abuse/ trauma) what I thought might help. It seems to have.
I have to say also, I actually find positive posts kind of refreshing- someone said about another's they are 'like a T would say' (but that that seemed 'odd' with ptsd). Well I'm not out to question why a post is positive- I think (for myself) because of ptsd- 'positives' can always be questioned. That's so much of the nature of ptsd, the reason I posted this thread, the reason I struggle with self-hate, or passive self-harm, or suicidal ideation, or what-have-you. It's good to 'absorb' (or try to trust in) what is positive I think. I really need to focus almost with blinders on that..
Also similarly if someone practises radical forgiveness, that's good too. I try. It won't fix ptsd, but then it doesn't harm the rest of the quality of my life either. I have a more difficult time forgiving myself, frankly.
A friend on here said it's good to think 'just a little bit', and processing requires thinking
a lot. Yet, in a way (for me) it's counter-productive- perhaps because I have to work more on basics? Irregardless, I may or may not have many years to (have to) work on this stuff, so like I have treated my dog I am going to try to think of it in those terms, bringing forward the other knowledge I know. If I can remember and actually 'do' that much I think I'll accomplish more.
Because I never realized or was aware that my 'baseline' of where to begin was pretty low (as regards worth, trust, fear,etc). Like my dog when she came here, she looked pretty 'normal' (though terrified), but she was afraid to eat, do her business, come when she was called. I still see her (for the last one) cringe and think she's done something wrong if I use those words. So I use other words, +/or associate with happy things. But they said she was totally shut down, and her sister (in better shape than her) has not managed as well. Well all we did was introduce love, safety, fun, let her be herself, understood her triggers (can dogs have ptsd?- because she sure seems to), but not over-react. Because (at best) too, she will only likely live until about 10, and she is 3 already. But it's her way of getting better and maybe I need to learn from her. She is amazing. :) :inlove:
I saw a study too, it said pain (all pain, including physical) and fear was self-reported as less when someone held the person's hand. Most pain and fear reported when alone, less with a stranger, least of all or virtually none with a spouse or trusted family member. So I guess that explains why it's (pain of all kinds ) greater when alone or hiding things, and also highlights the interdependence, the benefits of giving (the support) as well.
