Is It Time To Quit My Therapist?

[watundah]

I have had a long run with my T and it has been very enlightening, I've learned a lot and she managed to chink away at my defenses slowly and gradually until we revealed some big traumas and she has touched into places no other therapists has come close to. I would say she has amazing skills as a trauma therapist and has an excellent grasp of multiple approaches. These are giant plusses.

However. On the interpersonal side, she has done several things that seemed dismissive to me and harmful to our relationship. Recently, my trust was violated in that she broke her word, we exchanged emails about it, she blames it on my stuff rather than taking ownership for being misleading and has not yet admitted wrong nor offered apology.

I am feeling very conflicted. As I said, we have done deep, revealing work this past year. This is forefront in my mind when I also consider that I am not being treated right. It seems like about every 6 months, we face a rupture in our relationship. I have talked to my spouse, she has talked to her therapist and I have discussed it with other friends and they agree she has not been fair. It is very easy on the outside to say "drop her", but considering that this is the first of nine therapists who had a clue as to how to get past my walls, I am quite hesitant.

Part of me feels like the hurt child who kept looking for different behavior from the abusive parent. A bit of exaggeration, but I feel I am putting up with more than a lot of people would, and I keep trying to remind myself that this is first and foremost a service I am paying for and I shouldnt need to fight to get my needs met. When is enough, enough?

We have no sessions currently scheduled. If I quit, I may never go back to someone else. It took 4 years to even get to the place we are now and the work of finding the right person and starting all over again, in addition to even believing I can trust someone to this level again after having it bashed and rebuilt a handful of times? It all seems too much.

I know I have not been the easiest client and some ways, she has exceeded my expectations with patience and persistence. I was very resistant.

So do I look past the speed bumps she puts in front of me? I know no T is perfect and in a years long relationship with any one, there will be conflict sooner or later. And when do you draw the line, if you feel you have been lied to or something has been intentionally misrepresented, is it heathiest to cut and run? I feel I already have enough crap to deal with without dragging her quirkiness into session. And, most obviously, trust is huge and this latest break has caused me a lot of hurt and disappointment.

It's a tough call and I want to say f* it.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Probably a lot of people more qualified than me to post a response.

I don't think a quick dump her and go answer is right. Trust is HUGE and any type of violation is never small. Especially a therapist. Confidentiality is part of their obligation. If you don't feel you can continue to work with her because of this than yes, take what she's taught you (sounds like a lot) and take your time finding someone else. Only you can make that call.

I get it that I would likely quit therapy completely if I had to start over with someone new, although I'm not in your shoes.

You're right in that everyone makes mistakes and it's not a good idea to put anyone up on a pedestal. They're going to fall at some point. I would think though that an acknowledgement of wrong-doing is expected and an apology. If she can't do that, then I guess I would have more questions. Maybe taking a break is a good idea. It's good that she is patient and determined enough to dig down deeper than you want to go.

 

[watundah]

Thanks.
Fortunately, it is not a confidentiality issue.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I don't know what it's like for you but for me I'll be ending with my current therapist very soon and she's been great I wish I could stay (it's through a charity so it's allotted time). She's been the one to finally gain trust with and I've shared things I've never been able to with previous therapists. We've done great work together. A great deal of that is down to her but I think I have good deal to do with It too.

There's a lot of things I've been doing outside of therapy to help myself, reading PTSD books, comings here to the forum an the like. When I end therapy with my current T I don't think I'll be starting from scratch. The relationship obviously has to begin at the beginning and trust must be built. But I still don't feel like I would be back to square one. I've put in so much work in and out of therapy that it's just not possible for me to leave that behind it will undoubtedly be taken forward to a future T.

Yeah it's easy for us to say through a screen to see someone else. But we know how important these relationships are and if they're not working, if the trust is gone it's a massive waste of time and money. Time where you could be starting a new more beneficial relationship with a new T. I don't know if you're at that point yet definitely something to discuss with your T.

But please give yourself some credit your T wasn't working alone you were there too. You put in just as much,in fact probably more work into therapy and the therapeutic relationship as she did.

 

[qwyoey]

Is this relating to the issue of the sound of someone coming in the garage?

 

[qwyoey]

I'm curious what would happen if you sent her a note and reworded your paragraphs into a letter:

Dear Therapist,

Currently we have no sessions scheduled. We've worked together a long time and it has been very enlightening. I've learned a lot together we have managed to chink away at my defenses slowly and gradually until we revealed some big traumas. We have touched on issues I have not even come close to in previous therapy work. I believe you have amazing skills as a trauma therapist.

However, we recently have been having issues with our relationship. I feel dismissed and I feel you have violated my trust by breaking your word in XXXX matter. In our email exchange, I feel XXXX. But it is my opinion you are being misleading. I have been hoping for an apology or an admission that you were wrong because I feel XXXXX. I feel like XXXX and that I am fighting with you to get XXXX needs met.

I am feeling very conflicted. As I said, we have done deep, revealing work this past year. This is forefront in my mind when I also consider that I don't feel I'm being treated XXXX because of XXXX issue. It seems like about every 6 months, we face a rupture in our relationship.

Right now, this rift in our therapy/patient relationship feels like "too much" (your words to elaborate). I feel like I have not been the easiest client and previously you have exceeded my expectations with patience and persistence. I was very resistant.

I know that conflict happens in therapy. Because I am feeling XXXX, I am unsure of where to draw the line. I am feeling hurt and disappointment.

Are you willing to work with me on a remedy to this conflict?

Thanks,

 

[qwyoey]

I'll say, I had a rupture with my therapist last winter. It was tough, but once we moved past it, I trust him even more. Even if you decide to discontinue therapy, I would strongly encourage you to finalize and end with this therapist by having a session or two to discuss the progress you have made together etc.

 

[watundah]

Yes..Months ago she said she implemented a system so he would not come around at all while in session. It is triggering for me.

Now she changed the rules to he only comes to get tools. And never talked to me about ilsuch a change. And there was a bunch of noise last week to which she replied "it wasnt that bad".

1. If the rules changed, she owed me an explanation, beforehand.
2. It was dismissive to say it wasnt that bad when she assured me that he wasnt going to.come around at all.

Last week it was obvious he was in the garage banging around.

I hesitate to dive into these.details as its more a.matter of her not keeping her word and this isnt an isolated incident of disregard.

 

[watundah]

I have presented my frustration in email.and she blamed it on my issues rather than her poor.communication and disregard of our previously agreed upon rules for the space being off limits.

If this were an isolated incident it would be easier to get past. Thank you for your suggestion. Im still processing before I respond to her.

 

[qwyoey]

Do you mean you don't want to get into details in this posting or you don't want to share details with her?

I feel PTSD brain argues emotionally. Therapist brain argues logically. Sometimes PTSD brain needs validation of it's emotions, logical or not. But you might have to tell her why the details accumulate and make you feel like she's being dishonest.

I would encourage you to spend time and, in the best form possible, send her a note that is logical but expresses your emotions. It would be disheartening to make any decisions about your therapy impulsively. It can take time to decide whether you should move.

 

[watundah]

@NoWhereKnowWhere thanks for your kind words. It is true that much of the work is credit to me and I need to realize that.

@qwyoey I.dont want to focus on the details.of what happened on this post. Believe me, she knows, and I cut and pasted into my previous email her words about keeping him away completely during session. So her words are there.for her to navigate around.

 

[qwyoey]

I'm sorry you are having this rift.

One thing to maybe take away from this, is that you have asked a lot of people for advice it looks like. They all seem to be in agreement (from what I interpret from your paragraph post). Are you looking for validation for a decision you've already made but not come to terms with? Or are you still not ready to quit therapy for another reason?