Is My Therapist A Crock?

[driftaway]

I have to apologise for the word-vomit about to spew out of my keyboard.
I've started seeing an online therapist, it's been less than a week. I've seen a couple red flags and I just don't know if it's a good match. On the other hand, I am desperate to work through my trauma and get better, or at least tell my story and be heard about it. So... A few things. First, he said that PTSD can be cured. And then when I very tactfully confronted him about it, he backpedaled and said that you can live without daily symptoms. He told me he has had extensive experience working with trauma survivors (OK so just about everyone is a trauma survivor) and people with PTSD. Obviously PTSD can't be cured so why would you ever say that to a patient?
Second, he said once that "it is NEVER your fault". In reference to sexual abuse. I'm pretty sure that that is an inappropriate response in a therapeutic setting. It's OK to hear someone's story and say " I don't think this was your fault" but it's NOT OK to say "it's never your fault". This undermines the sense of empowerment we need from therapists- our therapists are there to help us decide who was at fault and place blame where blame goes-- not to decide FOR us that it's never our fault. What about the woman who forgets to lock her door? When I was abused, I did nothing to stop it. I told no one, even as an adult. I helped to covered it up for him. To tell me I'm not at fault doesn't help me work through these things- in fact, it's shocking.
And finally, this guy said to me " I look forward to talking to you later because talking through it will help you feel better"
Ummmmm
When I first disclosed my trauma to my first therapist... The world crumbled around me. My symptoms got so much worse. I was falling apart. To tell me that "our relationship is the end all be all fix all" is callous and frankly it's lying.
God, am I being too sensitive ??
Should I dump this guy?

 

[driftaway]

One more thing-- I told him upfront I want to talk about the trauma and he agreed. we set up an apt for Sunday, tomorrow. Most therapists would want to take things slower, don't you think? We risk retraumatization doing it online anyway but then you add in doing it with a stranger...omgomgomg

 

[Zanshin]

Do you have any verification of credentials or could this be a troll hiding in therapist's clothes?

Do what's right for you - so many red flags this quickly and coming here to ask doesn't seem to make you comfortable already...

 

[watundah]

Not too sensitive. I say trust your gut.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

he said once that "it is NEVER your fault"

I totally agree with that statement. That doesn't mean that I never blame myself in some of the ways you mentioned, however, I don't think that it is anyone's fault for them to sexually abused/assaulted. Even the woman who forgot the door wasn't asking for someone to come in and assault her. The person who does the abusive act is at fault. And thinking of the parts from sexual abuse such as "I never tried to resist" or "I didn't tell anyone" or "I helped cover it up" those are adult thoughts looking back. A child is not often going to think like that and would have been too fearful or not known what was going on to actually make the decisions we think of as with our matured brains. I still wrestle with those demons, but I do believe that a therapist is right in saying it is never your fault.

As for the other things you mentioned, I would be questions his actual experience with PTSD in general and I am curious about if you know that most trauma therapists would want to take things slower, did you tell him you wanted to talk about trauma to test him or because that is what you are thinking is the best method for you and now you're questioning him in his decision to go along with you. I would imagine there are a lot of possible questions that come up in working with an online therapist.

I like @Zanshin 's question- do you have his actual credentials verified? I also agree with people's encouragement for you to trust your instincts. If he doesn't feel like the right fit for you or doesn't seem knowledgeable enough, start looking for someone else.

 

[Crow]

Yep what @Zanshin said.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What about the woman who forgets to lock her door? When I was abused, I did nothing to stop it. I told no one, even as an adult. I helped to covered it up for him. To tell me

I disagree with your second point, this and sexual assult in general is NEVER your fault. My therapist argued this point with me for yrs..me: "its my fault", therapist "why do you say that", me "cuz ABC; XYZ; EFG etc" therapist "that wasnt your fault".

Your example wouldnt be their fault...but fault/blame needs to be moved by YOU, you are correct there but my therapist has told me in so many ways that it wasnt my fault, all cults are bad etc etc etc.

Your first point i agree with.

And finally, this guy said to me " I look forward to talking to you later because talking through it will help you feel better"

Eventually it does, it is different for everyone but it does generally get worse before better but for me, telling this site, or "the world" helped me a lot. But everyone is different.

I dont know, ive never done online therapy; i have had 4 free therapists that were HORRIBLE and they sound like this.

Me, id say go with your gut on it. I know you want to get better now but thats not gonna happen with a bad therapist. For me, it got worse, not better and gave me more issues to work through with my current therapist.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you have any verification of credentials or could this be a troll hiding in therapist's clothes?

This i agree with 100000%! This is how i know my therapist has 8 degrees...i asked for his creditals.

 

[Heather]

@Lillie I feel for what you are going through. I think you are right to question his statements to you. Especially the one where he says talking about it will in the end make you feel better. My therapist is well-trained in trauma and she says that it most likely will get a lot worse before it gets better. I am seeing this with my own daughter (who I sadly found out had been molested for 2 years)......We are in the worst of it now. Trauma therapy brings up a lot.....and it is painful, even agonizing for the survivor to go through. But eventually if you keep with it, it will get better. But it takes as long as it takes.

You said you question his use of the word "never" but I hope you do know that it is NOT your fault. Even if you did nothing to stop it, told no one or helped to cover it up......

My daughter did the same thing....said nothing, she saw it was happening to other kids and still said nothing.....I don't blame her.....she's just a child.

I want my message to you to be: that it's not your fault no matter what. You were a victim. And my heart goes out to you.

I think the advice of the other members is spot on? How much do you know about his credentials? And if you can confront him about your concerns when you have your next session.

I wish you luck.

Hugs.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist is well-trained in trauma and she says that it most likely will get a lot worse before it gets better.

Mine did as well, i think I miss worded what I said earlier.

For me, sharing helped but my therapist didnt tell me it would get better if i told my story. He did say that it may help to join here for support and it did so maybe thats what im mixing up.

Def have reasons to question this guy, especiallly stating PTSD is curable. Id asked for his credials for sure!

 

[KwanYingirl]

I absolutely agree that sexual violence is never the victims fault. And further, I will add, that it is never the victims responsibility to stop it, take responsibility for it, deny the facts, or in any way blame themselves for it. Until you understand and accept that truth, I don't think any therapist will feel like a good fit for you. You are back pedaling to hold onto that cognitive distortion.

I wonder what motivates a therapist to offer their services online vs. face to face. Creating a safe space within to process your trauma is so important. If you're not in a place with certificates and diplomas on the wall, tons of books in a huge bookcase, and body language to gauge your safety and their credibility, then I think it follows that the relationship will flame out pretty quickly.

As for feeling worse with therapy, I think that is an unfortunate price we pay to get relief. There will be times that your sensitivity will be more intense than others. Women need to remember that once a month, our endocrine system is amping us up to be pregnant; PMS. That cocktail of hormones generally take a toll on us as we feel extra anxious, looking for danger, seeking escape, all the things Nature supplies us with to procreate. I think women with PTSD should be aware of their cycle and plan therapy around it. Nothing too intense when we're fertile. Give it a try, keep track of your rhythm cycle and try to go easy. It should reduce meltdowns.

Trust your instincts about the online therapist. If it doesn't 'feel right' it probably isn't.

 

[EveHarrington]

PTSD cure?

Could be an issue of semantics.



Sex abuse is never your fault?

Actually this is the most accurate (and proper) response on the face of the planet. (No kidding.)

Many (most?) sexual abuse victims blame themselves. I think if you left it up to survivors to figure it out on their own, many (most?) of those in doubt would probably come to the conclusion that they did something wrong and are to blame in one way or another, no matter how small the reason. I think many things should indeed be left up to the client to "figure out" but in this case, I'd say no----flat out, hands down, sex abuse is never the fault of the victim and it's completely ok for the therapist to say this.

I think that sometimes a therapist needs to say factual things in order to kick start healing in the right direction. If we were left to figure out everything by ourselves we'd finish therapy at the age of 147.

I don't know about anyone else, but a large part of my trauma therapy wasn't about letting me figure it out for myself. (Thank God, or else I'd still have barely scratched the surface at this point.)



If this guy doesn't feel right, then move on. However I think the previous two "red flags" I addressed aren't actually red flags. Maybe just issues you don't exactly see eye to eye on.