Other Is Not Telling The Same As Lying?

[shrinkingviolet]

I am sitting here wondering is not telling the same as lying? My husband is aware of my sexual abuse as a child and being raped in college, but I don't think he understands how 20 years later I am still affected by it. So I have not told him about this place, where I feel free to share my feelings without judgment. He is anti social media in all forms and I honestly don't know what he would say. I am a wife, a mother, an employee. I run kids around to lessons, practices etc., but don't have much that is mine or is truly just for me. This beautiful place where I have found such compassion and understanding, this is for me. When I have my melt down a couple weeks ago, I did tell him but his response was sorry and just walked away. Coming here that day, during the anxiety attack, having the support and learning to ground myself brought me comfort like I've never known. Is it selfish to want to keep it to myself or deceitful? I don't want to be either but there are some things he just can't or will never understand. :unsure:

 

[shimmerz]

Is it selfish to want to keep it to myself or deceitful?

No. It seems to me you are practicing self care, regardless of the opinions of others as to whether this is a valid form of self care.

 

[Teasel]

I agree with Shimmerz, I can't see anything about coming to a forum like this when you are suffering and want to talk to people who understand as being selfish or deceitful. You seem like a good person, I don't think I can ever remember a selfish person worrying that it is selfish to want to fulfill their needs. So sorry to hear that your partner reacted to you like that when you needed him. And so glad you found some relief here x

 

[shimmerz]

I don't think I can ever remember a selfish person worrying that it is selfish to want to fulfill their needs.

This is a really good point Berlinda.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Thank you both. Growing up, I had no self esteem or thought of myself much at all. It is difficult for me to this day. I tend to always put everyone else before me but I'm working on it.

 

[desiderata310]

YEp. I agree with @shimmerz on this one. This is self-care.
This is also a HUGE part of my support network. Good bad or otherwise. I moved to my new home about a year and a half ago. I was diagnosed about a month after I got here. I haven't really made friends.

Use this. It's ok.
Might also suggest that it's time to drag hubby to therapy with you slap him down in a chair and have a therapist explain what this is like.

If you don't have a therapist, another part of the whole 'self care' probably should be getting one, like , yesterday.
I get it, I suck at self care, I'm a mom. Give me a mom with abuse in her past and PTSD in her present and I will show you a woman with a seriously full stress cup.

 

[moonbeam]

To answer the original question: no. Lying is telling an intentional mistruth to deceive the other person. Not telling something is just that.

Reading your post: I don't think its selfish or deceitful at all. I see it as a form of self-care and kind of like an online support group. Does my husband know? Yes because I told him before I met up with people from here. I think its entirely your choice.

Though I wonder if positions were reversed and your spouse said he had joined an online forum to discuss/get support for some issues from the past that are stilling upsetting him, would you think he was being selfish or decietful? My guess is probably not.

 

[desiderata310]

Also.... So.. seems that the brain is on a certain train today... Among other things that I do as part of my 'self care' is that I run. (don't worry, I'm not asking you to take that up necessarily)
There's a tribe out there call Another Mother Runner. These ladies have written books on keeping their sanity and their families while training and all those trials and tribulations that go with it.
The thing that they advocate when women start talking about feeling like failures as moms because they are training is that this IS taking care of your family.
Taking care of YOU is an incredibly important part of taking care of your huband and kids. If mom falls apart, who's going to fill in?

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I have honestly never been diagnosed with PTSD but have been in and out of therapy for years. A few times with Victim Services therapist and a general psychologist. Last time was probably at least 2 years ago. When my assault in college took place, I was in bad shape. Couldn't function, panic attacks, couldn't eat or leave my dorm room (he lived in the same dorm). The person at victim services in the small town damaged me more, discouraging me to report it, he was popular frat boy and no one would believe me. I switched schools, moving a thousand miles away. Still didn't get better for years. My childhood crap, I have blocked so much out, not even sure of the extent. After my recent episode, I've really been considering going back to therapy. I also suffer from chronic migraines, which are only aggravated by stress. I really appreciate your honesty @desiderata310 .

 

[desiderata310]

Yup. Go call your insurance, get a referral, call a REAL therapist and move forward. Find one you like. This is now your goal: get in therapy, get the dx and start working on it. Get the support: if not for you then for your family.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Excellent point @moonbeam and you are right @desiderata310 . Thank you so much for advice and support. Ferling a little scared to try new therapist but worth it!

 

[desiderata310]

Woosh! Yep. I'm familiar with being scared of this. Totally worth it. Totally a good thing. I KNOW I would be dead if I had not made that move.