Other Is Not Telling The Same As Lying?

[Hope4Now]

I'm echoing the others...make sure you find a trauma therapist. Not a CBT one...go for one that does somatic work, like Somatic Experiencing or Internal Family Systems, etc.

Is it selfish to want to keep it to myself or deceitful? I don't want to be either but there are some things he just can't or will never understand.

It is NOT deceitful. It is selfish in a good, healthy way. (That word, "selfish," has such negative connotations!). You have a right to provide yourself with what makes you feel good.

I wish you the best, and I hope you'll keep coming back to the forum without guilt for taking care of YOU!

 

[Springer80]

I think not telling about a forum is not really an issue, compared to say what my mother did, marrying someone and not telling him about her abuse by my father in a previous marriage. That is one BIG omission.

I'm sorry that you husband didn't react how you need him too. I think that if it was the other way round and I found out that my partner/husband had gone somewhere else for support I would feel upset that they didn't feel like they could come to me. But you tried that already and didn't get what you needed.

Regarding therapy, just seconding what was said above. Get a trauma specialist, not your bog standard CBT. Stand your ground and don't put up with anyone until you get someone who respects and cares for your situation.

 

[garden]

I second what's already being said, especially about getting a trauma specialist, the right kind of therapist is so crucial. (as I've recently learned.)

You deserve this @shrinkingviolet.
You deserve to heal all of your wounds.
Seeking comfort and help is not selfish, it's self preserving, and you need to do that for yourself as well as for your children.
You are brave to want healing. We are here for you.
:hug:

 

[Friday]

Is it lying? By omission, yes.

There are hundreds of things about our days we don't tell our spouses, but would -and would have no problem telling them- if it came up. Deliberately keeping something secret, otoh, is lying by omission.

Is that wrong? Depends on your stance on honesty, trust, and respect in your marriage.

 

[Springer80]

From your original post it seems that you can't bring yourself to tell your husband how your past trauma still affects you of your own volition.
Then when the pressure gets too much and you breakdown and you have to tell him, his reponse does not exactly inspire confidence and security.

You obviously need very careful and steady support. So although I would say that omitting the truth is just the other side of the coin of lying, I think in this case it's not the main issue. You are. And unfortunately you don't seem to be able to place your confidence in your husbands support and that isn't imagined, it's been shown.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Everyone deserves privacy.

I don't consider this to be true social media. It is different than Facebook and Twitter and instagram and...

So what if your husband doesn't like social media? You are your own person. If disclosing the forum to him would lead to you having to leave the forum, I'd question your marriage and why you're with someone so controlling. Me thinks trauma re-creation is at play.

 

[Springer80]

I wouldn't take FridayJones' comment too personally to heart. You have been honest about your past trauma, which is more courageous than a lot of women are with their husbands. You respected him and your marriage enough to be honest. The fact is that you can't flay yourself alive with increasingly deep traumatic honesty if your husband does not budge from his, oh sorry about that' level of support.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

@FridayJones yes, I agree with your interpretation and honesty and respect are crucial to me in all my relationships. My husband is in law enforcement so any social media he has concerns sharing anything, for the safety and protection of our family. If asked, I would tell him. I did tell him I was considering going back into therapy and he was supportive of this but yes @Springer80 I do have some hesitation there, quite perceptive.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I agree @Solara and he's actually not controlling. I do have Facebook but don't put any pics out there of him and kids, all generic to public. He knows this and has never told me not to, just doesn't want his pic out there which I respect. Maybe it's my own fear of how he might react or maybe think of me differently. That I don't have it all together or maybe him knowing would mean I would have to recognize too.

 

[garden]

Maybe it's my own fear

This is for sure something to look at closely, as it is often at the core of what motivates us.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Thank you @hope4 and @Lewa . I do deserve and need this, difficult and a bit scrary to admit but hopeful too. ;)

 

[rightkindofme]

Hey! Another Mother Runner here! *wave joyfully* Such a great book and life philosophy approach. It got me through my first marathon. <3

I feel like the topic has drifted just a little so I won't answer the original question straight on. It sounds like your husband *is* vaguely aware of the fact that you are on here, so it isn't about lying. It sounds like your question maybe is closer to: how ok is it for you to need support that your husband doesn't understand? Am I at all right?

People need different stuff. If your husband is in law enforcement then he needs support you can't give him. He's going to need to talk to other people who have been down that road in order to feel sane. If he only talks to people on the other side of that experience... he will feel bad about himself. People won't "understand" him. Not really.

Your life experiences mean that you need to hear from people who have had lives like yours. You need to feel normalized. You need to understand what tools and tricks help people with experiences like yours. His life experiences... aren't all that relevant. Not because he's a bad person... because his life has very different requirements.

So, to me... of course you need to be here and he doesn't. If he doesn't have PTSD he probably won't "get" it. Not because he doesn't care but because it is so far outside the schema of his life that he just can't wrap his head around it. That's not disrespect it is... at worst a lack of imagination. Most human beings have a hard time imagining things they haven't experienced. That *is* normal.

If you were spending your time with a crochet club would you feel guilty for not repeating every conversation verbatim? No, of course not. It is because trauma processing feels intimate and personal that it feels like a possible violation of the sanctity of the marriage. (I'll say that I'm not someone who worries too much about "emotional affairs" because I think there are emotional needs I will never meet for my husband and if sometimes he gets those needs met elsewhere... he's not taking away from me to do that. Not everyone has my biases though.)

I think that if you found support that fills a need... go for it. You aren't hurting other people just by filling your needs.