Is relationship with sister worth it?

[Gamera3000]

I'm really struggling with letting a relationship with my sister go. We did not grow up together and have different mothers. Both of our mothers are worthless old whores, who did everything they could to sabotage their offspring. It's really surprising any of their children function at all. I secretly haven't liked my sister for many years now, mostly because I don't agree with the way she treats her kids, who I really like. I haven't cut off the relationship because I feel like the kids need me. Keep in mind that I myself had an enlightenment a few years ago similar to a religious experience (without the religion) and I live my life pretty differently than I used to. So maybe my standards are not realistic and that is why my sister and I are not getting along anymore.

I'm going to try writing out a list of pros and cons here (al la that "Friends" episode) and maybe that will make things clearer for me:

Cons (reasons to walk away):
-I have a serious neuro disease and she hasn't asked "how are you" in several years
-She has never sent my child a birthday present (he's 3) and I've always sent them to her kids (for like 15 years and she has 3 kids)
-She forgets to send my kid a Christmas present half of the time as well and I never forget
-She never tells me anything about her kids unless it's a story about her
-She does things I don't approve of, like drugs and hanging out with literal criminals at her house where her kids sleep, and sex parties
-I keep catching her talking to our family, who she knows sexually abused me and I told her were interested in doing the same to her
-Her middle child is saying that my sister is cutting herself and crying
-Her oldest child was raped and then "dated" an adult and wouldn't tell her either time; the oldest child now has an eating disorder and no one seems to notice this except me
-She keeps getting into financial problems which when explained could be solved pretty easily and could also lead to being arrested
-I do not want my nieces and nephew to "turn bad" and then be around my son, especially because I love them so much; I know he will love them too and it's dangerous to love a person who "goes bad"

Pros (reasons to stay involved):
-She looks like my late brother, who I loved deeply
-She is the mother of my nieces and nephews, who I cannot contact, except through her
-My family walked away from me because of MY mother and I still secretly hate them for it
-I have to believe that everyone has a chance to reach greater understanding, personal redemption, and become a good citizen. I feel like walking away is withdrawing my hand instead of leaving it there to help anyone from that family take a step up to do better. I think maybe this is an error in judgement on my part, because this is probably a personal journey, and not something a person can help any other person with.
-I feel like the kids need me, even though I'm not sure how to help

Does anyone have thoughts? Anyone else go through this? I would welcome any advice or opinions.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

You can't change the course of anyone's life but your own, and often by doing just that, you'll influence more than you may ever know. Living well and being a good example, or even being a good example of what not to do (as I've been accustomed to being), is the one and only thing you have actual control over. Yet we're taught to spend our energies everywhere else.

From the list you shared, it sounds like you may be trying to save them from themselves based on how you feel they should be living, and that rarely fares well for anyone involved. From your descriptions of her choices, sounds like she's likely too broke from buying drugs and partying to be sending gifts and is likely too bogged down with her own chaotic unhealthy stuff to be able to have a meaningful conversation about your health issues. Sounds like years of built up resentment regarding the whole family coming to a head. My apologies if I misinterpret.

If there are sex parties/drugs/active criminals hanging out/etc. happening with minors around as you say it is, and the oldest child has been raped, is dating older men, the middle child has told you mom is cutting, etc. I'd be calling the authorities to help ensure the children's safety. It's already gone way past not being a healthy or safe environment for the kids. Not sure if they're older now, but that sounds scary either way. I'm assuming they're all still minors since you say the only way to have contact with them is via your sister.

Not all people simply "turn bad", but rather live exactly what they've learned and been conditioned and groomed to do from birth. How can you actively and healthily help the children with things being as they are currently? I think I'd be worried more about their basic needs and safety than their good citizenship awards for now. Best wishes with whatever happens. May the children make it through as healthily as possible.

 

[Gamera3000]

@Tornadic Thoughts Huh. Interesting.

Yes I had assumed that the absence of holiday recognition and not asking about me was from thoughtlessness, but I had not considered that her lifestyle would keep her busy. I guess it would. It would be like working an 80 hour week, wouldn't it? Yes I am resentful. I can admit that my sister and our relationship is not what I wanted or hoped it would be and I can also admit that it's not fair or reasonable for me to ask her to be who I want instead of who she is. That's my thing that I need to get over.

I hadn't considered calling anyone official about the kids. So many people called about my family growing up and no one ever did anything and my mom did worse things than what my sister seems to be doing. We do live in different states, however. Maybe I could look into how things work over there. The oldest one is 18 this year. The other two are 11 and 8. The 11 year old is the only one who talks about anything and she has been talking to her dad, not me. So my information is not first hand.

I myself am a person who succeeded despite being abused and neglected in strange ways. My mom didn't let me go to school, starved me, and told me my whole life that no one loved me except her because I was just like her. My other family stopped talking to me when I was a teenager because they agreed with her, I guess. I have several degrees that I earned on my own and before I retired with a disability I had been working and supporting myself since I was 16. The idea that a person should contribute to others in a positive way, or be a good citizen, is important to me. It's hard for me to see other people struggling and think that the same improvement is not possible for them. I think everyone can make things better for themselves. But maybe this keeps me from seeing things objectively. Maybe my circumstance is unusual and I can't expect that from other people.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

You can continue to expect whatever you wish from others, just get used to continuing to feel let down and likely even more resentful.

I've not acquired any formal degrees, but I've re-taught myself about myself, inside and out, by first un-learning what I was conditioned to believe and replacing all of that with new-to-me knowledge no one ever bothered to share that taught me how to more healthily live in this existence, which ended up being made possible by doing the exact opposite of what most of the college degree holding folks in the medical and mental health industries instructed me to do. lol Go figure.

At first, I thought everyone *should* be doing the same things so they could find such significant relief, too. My goodness...with all the chronic suffering I hear of daily and finally finding relief for myself from that same exact suffering via my fork and my breath, etc., I thought for sure folks would be eager to want to know and learn more, too. Beep. Wrong answer. Although I still feel very strongly that this stuff should be taught at every level...but that would cause a whole lot of folks to go out of business...so I won't hold my breath.

My path is not meant to be everyone else's, no matter how much better I think they could feel and function by following it. Nor did I find many folks wishing to celebrate my new found wellness(es) and major relief from suffering with me. I thought I felt out of place before, I hadn't felt nothing yet! Totally alien-like now.

Even if my path IS the correct path for another, I can't issue anyone an automatic shortcut or make their journey any smoother FOR them, it must be reached and realized in their own time and own way to genuinely benefit them. I can always offer my experience as an example or do helpful things WITH them, but only if they ask me to, and that's as far as my influence needs to reach.

Some don't wish to arrive in the spaces I have, ever, and I have to be okay with that, too. It's not my load to carry, as my hands are already full carrying plenty of my own stuff. Strange scene, indeed, when your various successes feel just as empty as the mountain of pain we're left to climb, but I'm glad I was led to the path I eventually arrived on, even considering the hellish experiences it took to get me there. I never eased into anything healthy or helpful, I had to be catapulted full force by life circumstance.

Not everyone will fit your mold...most especially the ones you strongly wish would...so...do you keep trying to neatly tuck them away in the same one...or do you, instead, re-mold your thoughts and expectations to better suit the actual reality that others are living outside of your expectations? It's an uncomfortable and odd journey, for sure, even when it's going well. lol Irony at it's best/worst.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Call DSS and report her. Seriously the kids deserve better that what she is providing.

 

[Gamera3000]

@She Cat The state that my sister is living in has some pretty broad definitions of what is child abuse. I just reread them and I don't think anything that is going on applies. For example, the age of consent there is 16, and adults can "paddle" a child with a stick. I don't know why my sister wants to live in such a soulless place anyway. She is super progressive and I am somewhat conservative. *I* would never live there. I don't see why she is still there.

I think @Tornadic Thoughts is absolutely right. I am expecting behavior from people that is unreasonable. Like, I'm waiting around for people to wise up and do what I think they should do and that's stupid. No one has to do what I think. Unfortunately. :/

Maybe what I need to do here is send the kids their holiday presents and cards like always and then keep my nose in my own business.

 

[Gamera3000]

My sister is now saying that the 11 year old has told her dad that she is suicidal, supposedly because of my sister's yelling. The dad says he wants full custody of the two younger kids (the oldest is not his and is now 18 and living on her own anyway). My sister thinks this is all a ploy on the dad's part to mess with her because her new boyfriend is spending the night when the kids are at the dad's house. Our brother, who I grew up with and loved alot and my sister only met once, killed himself 15 years ago. My brother and my 11 year old niece look and act a lot alike. I felt like I had been hit with a truck hearing this. My sister will not take the 11 year old seriously. Still, no one ever mentions the youngest, who is about to turn 9. It's like he doesn't exist.

Everything I already said still goes-what I've heard is third hand information. Her state requires very clear cut evidence to consider anything "child abuse". No one is listening to me or cares what I think. They obviously don't care how I feel. Obviously don't care how the kids feel. I am considering simply blocking everyone's numbers and calling it done. My sister is the last person in my dad's side of the family who I talk to. I have been much happier cutting off the rest of them. I have only been talking to her for the sake of the kids, but I am not sure if I can keep listening to her abuse the kids and not be able to do anything about it. There's nothing I can say to the younger kids to help them because they're too young. I have noticed the oldest kid siding with/covering for my sister all of a sudden. I can't say anything to her either. I think there's nothing I can do here. Am I right in thinking this? Just go on with regular presents and otherwise stop talking to them? Block their numbers?

 

[Deleted member 541]

That’s something that you’re going to have to figure out for yourself. I’m not sure that I could sit back and not do everything I could. Have you called to the police to see if they can start an investigation???? Child welfare? There has to be a government agency that can intervene, I mean there living in the states, and I don’t care what state it is, they are mandates that the states must conform too......