Is Therapy For Everyone?

[soulofLC]

Mrs T, sounds like you are getting lots of ideas. It is good to have varied imput.

I had a good trauma specialist before I moved; she had been practicing a long time. Of course, she had her way of treatment. Then I came here, and am working with someone who uses a different approach. And I may move on at some point if I feel I need something else.

So there is also room for help in all it's various forms. I hope you find what works best for you and your husband.

It has been such a good thing for me to be a part of this online community. There is a lot of support and information here, along with some very wonderful people.

I think your husband is very lucky to have you. soul

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, he definitely is.

 

[Mrs. T]

Also, it's VERY presumptuous of the therapist to say that the trauma isn't affecting him so why bring it up. The path from trauma to effect is rarely a straight line, and there are likely trauma-related issues that don't SEEM trauma related.[/QUOTE]


Not sure if I quoted that right. I always come on here using my phone, so some things seem unclear.

I'm glad you said this. I was bothered by his presumption...but his education vs. My being new to this, made him somehow still sound smart when he said this. He seemed surprised that my husband was doing worse since beginning therapy. I was surprised about his reaction, because I keep hearing that things will get worse before they get better. His comments about what ptsd symptoms are surprised me because everything I read, says there are many symptoms.

I was also surprised that he seemed to presume my husband had told him all his trauma. I thought it would be a given that a person with ptsd would most likely not tell everything until trust was built...which takes more time for some people (my husband included.considering I was the first person he ever told about some of it, which he he told me recently...almost 3 years into the marriage). My husband told him the trauma that he has told friends about. Not necessarily close friends either.

Some things my husband has told me about their sessions made me wonder if he really knew much about ptsd. But he sure comes across with confidence.

These responses are amazing. Thank you everyone! I feel both very encouraged and informed. But I think I need to read these comments again so I can really weigh our options. My husband has an appointment with our family Dr tomorrow (we are getting the therapist through our insurance, so I'm not sure how to change therapists except through our Dr). I need to talk to my husband before he goes and see what we can do.

Also that article one of you suggested to read, I found on "stickies" but it was only questions about the article. Can't seem to find the article itself...

Thanks again for the info and encouragement. I can use as much info as I can get right now. This gives me hope.

 

[Mrs. T]

Bloom in water. I was just going back over some of the comments. It's interesting that you bring up how you resisted the suggestion to being your husband to therapy with you. My husband doesn't want me there. I really don't take it personal but I also don't understand it. I know he hasn't told T anything I don't already know. And H always told me about the sessions and things they discussed. He says he doesn't want to hide anything. I asked him why he doesn't want me there. He said he didn't know but thought he would probably be quiet the whole time.

However, I do know that my husband tends to misunderstand people especially when it is a sensitive/stressful topic. There have been a few convos with his T that he misunderstood the intention of (and I came to understand after my convo with T). I really think we would have been further a head if I had of at least heard the T side of their convos. But the last thing I want to do is make H feel uncomfortable with my presence...

 

[BloomInWinter]

Mrs. T.,

I will say that it is important that we don't presume that what we heard is what was actually said in therapy. What I hear is based upon what I tell myself about what I hear. If my hubby took action based upon what I say about therapy, we'd have NEVER made it this far.

If you're not in the therapy room, it's best to just listen without judgment to your hubby or you could actually run the risk of reinforcing avoidance, resistance, or reactionary displacement.

I hope you'll consider putting the focus on yourself and your recovery so you can be in a healthy position and enjoy your life. Allow your hubby and his T. to do their work and sort things out. After all, you can't control any of it, and you can really damage your own peace of mind with co-dependency.

Sometimes, my hubby's best help is him just listening but not trying to explain what my T. says, allowing my brain to process it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I was afraid my hubby would bust me on not sharing things that I wasn't ready to. ...and he did. ;)

We got through it.

I was afraid my T. would take 'his side' on things. ...and he did.

We got through that, too. ...and in there somewhere, 'his side' became 'our side' as a couple. ...and I started feeling like we are more equal.

I was afraid my T. would lose respect for me or...well, something that likely has to do with feeling abandoned.

He didn't. But he did tell me a lot of things that were painful to hear, but accurate. Now that I've heard them...I am not afraid of them anymore.

...and my T. was able to get some clarification on some issues. He also identified others I didn't think mattered at all, but turns out they are huge in impact on my life.

There is the sense of 'being in the principle's office' with both of them but it has been very healing, though painful, frightening, and difficult.

 

[Mrs. T]

Some very helpful tips. The whole feeling like you're in the principles office, makes sense. Maybe that's why my husband doesn't want me there. But who knows, there could be a lot of other fears as you had as well. I have yet to understand the depth of how this all affects him.

Also, I know it puts my husband down when he sees that I am down. I try to stay positive, but some days that's hard...especially when he is at his worst. You're right, I do need to take care of myself...but there's nothing I want to do different from what I do now. So I don't know if I am taking care of myself or if I am not. My "me" time is taking a nap...sometimes watching tv (when I'm too mentally tired to do anything else). But I feel content...

Some valid points to think about anyways. Thanks for that.

 

[anthony]

There is a book in the book section, main navigation at top, that is for supporters. It is called The PTSD Relationship... and it's one of the first 3 book in the book section here.

That is the most comprehensive book I have ever read, quick, simple and precise, for any supporter to quickly learn whether they're taking care of themselves and their partner, or enabling their partner and making themselves ill in the process.

It took me 10hrs or so to read... it will take a little longer when you need to put things into practice obviously. I could not recommend a more comprehensive all-in-one solution for a supporter, than that book.

 

[Mrs. T]

I tried talking to my husband about changing therapists. He shut down at the mention of seeing a therapist again. He was in a great mood before I brought it up and shut down for the rest of the day, after. The topic of a therapist is highly stressful for him. I don't know what I should do. I don't want to push him...or if I even should. It hurts me to see him how he is. And I have come to realize that I don't think he will get through this without professional help.

His whole life has been packed with trauma of all kinds. His only constant in his life, was the knowledge that his mother cared so much for him. Today, he says he's happy because he has our family, but I see him suffering every day, and I can't do anything for him.

He says he's not ready for therapy. I think I'm coming to realize why. He has a huge amount of stress currently. Enough stress for anyone (minus ptsd). So is it really not the right time because he has a heck of a lot of stress from things happening now? At the moment...there isn't much we can do about the stress. He does all he can to keep me from getting stressed...so he takes as much of the stress as possible (he worries for our unborn child if I'm under too much stress). It would be impossible for me to relieve this stress unless I had the solution.

Arg. I don't know if there are any thoughts or wisdom. Guess I'm wondering if this really is the right time for him to work through his trauma..? And if so, do I wait for him to go willingly? Or do I strongly encourage it?

 

[milbert]

There are many possibilities for help in stress reduction through therapy. Therapy for PTSD involves exposure to memories (trauma work) but the first stage is usually stabilization or stress reduction. This can last as long as necessary.

I think the decision to go to therapy ultimately is your husband's, and it is entirely his choice to talk about whatever he wants while he is there and disclose as much of his trauma as he feels ready to.

I don't know you or your husband, and I admit I haven't read this thread very carefully, but a thought popped up when I read this, although it could be completely off base.

When I talked to the T, I told him that H's ptsd symptoms seemed to be getting worse. I explained that he is always anxious and having panic attacks. T seemed to dwell on whether that was ptsd related. Isn't that a symptom as well? He said ptsd is the flashbacks and such. Asked me if H was having those. I said, "well I know he has them. I don't know if he has been having them recently because he is too anxious to talk about the cause".

H has stopped therapy for now...and I really don't feel like encouraging him to go back, because he's better now that he hasn't been going, and I really don't see what T has to offer...

Do you think it's possible that your husband felt controlled or humiliated when you came to the session and disclosed more about his symptoms than he had? Did he stop therapy right after that session? Do you think he might be concerned that something similar might happen again, so he doesn't want to talk to you about therapy?

Apologies if this is completely off base! I don't know you at all and don't know anything about your life, but I can imagine myself feeling humiliated if i were in your husband's position.

 

[soulofLC]

I don't know how I would have made it through stressful times without a therapist. I had to have someone to talk to and bounce things off of. It lowered and still does lower my stress for the most part. There are times if I am working through something, it raises stress for a time, but that is not usual.

But you can't make him go if he doesn't want to. I wasn't always ready to work with everything in my life Sometimes, it was just dealing with what came up on a day to day basis without going into my whole background. But it helped to have someone to listen.

Perhaps you should go to therapy to deal with his stress and how it is affecting you. If he doesn't want to go, there is no reason you can't go alone and get help for yourself. Maybe if he sees you coping better and being happier, he will reconsider. But don't go for that reason. Go for you. It may or may not have an impact on him.

I know how much you want to help him, and how much you care, but if he doesn't want to go, then perhaps it is better to back off on this. It might really help you to have someone to talk to about what you are feeling, what you are going through.

 

[Mrs. T]

Just a few quick points. Thanks for the thoughts!

No offence taken on pointing out he may have been humiliated. However, I don't really think that's the problem. He had already decided he wanted a break from therapy. I talked to therapist on the phone. Most of what I talked about with the therapist were things I knew H had already talked about. I was just telling the T that I was concerned because of how bad it was. The only thing I would think may have made I'm feel bad was that I told the T about some recent suicidal thoughts H had. Again, not something T hadn't heard about, I just told him how bad it was. I don't want to completely disregard your comment, because you made some good points and I need to be careful not to lose his trust or sense of security with me.

I know H wouldn't stop me from going to therapy. But I do know he feel uncomfortable with it as he thinks i'd be going there to talk about him. My problems he says I can talk to him about. There are things I don't bring up that may be stressing me, simply because I don't want to stress him more...but when I yell him this he says I should talk to him anyway. I just know he feels uncomfortable or insecure about me going to therapy...

Trying to find ways to cope on my own with things...