Is Therapy For Everyone?

[BloomInWinter]

Life is too short for our recovery to wait on someone else's.

My best suggestion is to go to your T. and get all the support you can. As you learn how to manage your own life, life will feel better.

You can also find support for co-dependency via Al-anon or Co-dependents Anonymous. The people there are all trying to learn to detach from another's struggles and live their own lives.

When we learn the basic of taking care of ourselves and stop enabling others, the situation gets better overall. We get healthier, and deal with others in a healthier manner.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Every minute you spend trying to figure out HIS problems is a minute of your life you have given away your energy from healing the only person you can control and understand, and that is you.

It doesn't matter why he won't go, nor will figuring that out magically give you the 'right' button to push yo get him to. All you can do is learn to set boundaries and consequences, and learn how to follow through.

What is the most negative part of his behavior that you need relief from now?

 

[BloomInWinter]

....he wouldn't want you to talk in therapy?

That's called 'isolating' and is a dysfunctional 'be ashamed....keep the secret' behavior that is part of being abused.

He can't help that he feels that but it's not ok to ask a carer to deny themselves support. Please do not let that stop you from seeking help or that's a sign you're internalizing that shame.

Resist that manipulation. Give yourself permission to talk about anything you need to.

He doesn't have to like it. He'll get over it.

You deserve support, comfort, and healing.

 

[milbert]

It seems to me that PTSD is fundamentally a disease that involves secrecy. Pushing away bad memories, running away from feelings, trying to pretend trauma didn't happen, keeping everything compartmentalized, etc. I know this isn't healthy or rational, and can be really tough on relationships. I respect your viewpoint of wanting to be open with him, and wanting him to be open with you about therapy. It's a tricky disease, though, and is pretty different from normal experiences in a marriage.

Have you asked your husband what he would like for you to do to support him? It might be an easier place to start. He can take some time to figure out what he'd like. Maybe all he wants is your help with errands and responsibilities on nights where he has therapy so he can unwind. Maybe he'll want to start sharing more of what is going on in therapy at his pace, and maybe he'll eventually want you to meet his therapist. If you want to be supportive, it's probably best to support him in a way that he wants instead of trying to pressure him to change.

 

[Tinyflame]

Every minute you spend trying to figure out HIS problems is a minute of your life you have given away your energy from healing the only person you can control and understand, and that is you.

I agree with Bloom's posts above and don't want to 'interefere'- just to say (for myself), sometimes feeling my own life is not of value, or as much value, compared to who you love, is part of why ('how') it is difficult (for me) to (guilt-free) remember the above and apply it.
Even though we can only control our own thoughts and responses, and only determine what is best for 'ourselves'.

But you and your baby need as little stress and as much consistency, and 'calmness' as possible.

The more he doesn't want you to go, the more you really need to.

 

[anthony]

When he is ready, he will deal with it hopefully. At the end of the day, a person can use stress to excuse themselves from helping themselves, but its really a revolving circle. Stress is affecting PTSD, PTSD is present due to past trauma, past trauma + current stress invokes PTSD to shut you down... become useless for days / week, recover, repeat process.

A person doesn't need therapy for trauma... they can use it just to help with current everyday stress within their life... If they can't say things to their partner, friend or family member, then they need someone, which is where a therapist comes into play.

End of the day though... you can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink. It must choose to do that by itself. There is a point when you have to stop and take care of you... then your choices may make him react to start taking care of himself, thus seek therapy.

 

[Mrs. T]

Wow. I must admit, some of what was said hurt a little, but only because I believe it to be true. Secrecy is huge with him. One thing I am still getting used to...as my upbringing had few secrets. His upbringing was surrounded by secrets (by him and everyone around him). He lied his way through his youth for survival of his trauma and of his day to day life.

I don't want to change him or make him do anything, I just want to see him truly happy and free from these stresses and things that haunt him.

One thing I fear is making him feel alone again. I understand that this isn't the right way to look at this, but I fear if I go to therapy and talk about him, he will feel alone and unsafe to talk to me.

We do want to keep this open between us. I have made it clear to him that he doesn't have to tell me everything. He really appreciated my saying that but said he'd rather tell me. However, he has always feared things he doesn't know about my life. I am an open person and an awful liar. The beginning of our relationship was definitely dysfunctional, rooted from his mistrust and my loyalty. We have changed a lot since then.

The part that affects me about him not getting help is seeing how ptsd brings him down. He's far from abusive in any way. When he has the day off, he often takes over the cooking and helps with other house work. Our kids adore him. When he is really not well, he still plays with them as much as he can. He fears his kids will look back on their childhood and just remember how their dad was sick. He truly amazes me with all he does and who he is to us.

Another way this affects us is financially. That's a couple page explanation right there...so I'll spare the details.

I have asked him what he wants me to do to help and he said he just wants me to be happy. He said it helps him a lot when he sees me smile. He also added that it really helps him when things around the house are kept up. I guess I have been focused on trying to help him and maybe missed what would really help. Maybe that is all I should be focusing on now...is just being a mom, being happy and keeping things up at home, and getting my business going.

 

[Mrs. T]

Just wanted to add. I really appreciate all these opinions and wisdom. There is so much I don't know about ptsd and how to be the best support. It is all still new to me. At the moment, the only people I want to listen to on this topic, are those living it. Hopefully that will also give me enough knowledge to know what professionals to listen to...as I find most of them convincing...especially on a topic I know little about.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Mrs. T.))))

Your resistance to seeing a T. for yourself is completely understandable. Facing one's own issues is difficult, especially when we're more comfortable spending our mental energy fixing someone else, anticipating their needs, and putting our lives on hold to be ready to jump into the next crisis. I know this, because I lived it growing up and ever since.

But it is not suggested to delay seeing your own T.

Because as I have gotten better, my hubby, my supporter, was staying the same.

I started getting better and....he wasn't. I don't want to grow and leave him behind. Healing the way I related to the world has profoundly changed our relationship. As I get more functional, he has less to fix....and more time to do things he wants to do. Which has been hard, since he was living such a codependent impoverished life he didn't have any interests.

Now, he's going and doing things he wants, which makes him far more interesting to be around when we are together.

He finally started going to therapy after much pushing and it is already helping.

I hope your path works for you in a way that brings you deep joy.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I will also add that my hubby wanted to help me, and would try to do what I asked, but I wasn't in a position to know what would help me, really.

So his well-meant efforts reinforced my avoidance and made me sicker. He's learning how not to enable me. But since he has his own T. to teach him, I don't have to listen to it and can work on my issues fully when I'm with my T.

But I don't know that my journey is typical, so this is only my experience. Discard anything not helpful or which doesn't apply.

 

[Mrs. T]

Bloom in winter, I actually find nearly, if not, all of what you say to be relevant. My husband has expressed that he wishes I would have more interest in going out with friends. Because he does think that my lack of interest in friends and things I used to love, is unhealthy for me.

I don't mean to put any blame, as I know this was my own reaction and sensitivity to comments he has made (and looking back, this could have been completely due to some ptsd symptoms he was experiencing at the time). But I dropped a lot of things I loved when we started dating. Singing used to be my stress reliever, but I cut back on singing, significantly. Now, I don't handle stress as well as I used to and I have less patience.

This thread has helped me realize some things about myself and our relationship. I think I'm going to talk to my Dr about getting a therapist for myself.

 

[BloomInWinter]

One of the things I carry the most shame about is how damaging my PTSD has been to my hubby and children. The ever-growing constriction urge I was operating under was making our lives a fortress where I was sole keeper of the gate.

....and none of them would get out unless it was under such rigid, perfectionistic, protectionist strategies that it just became easier for them to stop wanting to leave.

*ashamed*