Is There A Point To Continuing Anything Therapeutic That Has No Predictable Schedule?

[Ronin]

(It is a good topic, and although your thread, I am with others on thinking there is merit in discussing it. :) )

Depends how you deal with unpredictable, I guess.
For me, if I want anything health oriented done, I better not schedule it. Because if it is scheduled, I have so much time to get myself into frenzy over waiting, what woulds and ifs, back then realities do not apply, Different Situation Altogether, Sweet, all this time, I can use it to do a runner :bag:

Where unscheduled or with flexible scheduling?
Awesome. I get in when it really is mattering (and bit fire in the house already), instead of telling myself it is is bullshit that can wait, or worse, bullshit that can wait and I have no control over... but I get on it. And sabotage myself (and the whole effort), less. Because by that point, helping profession are back on my radar as essentially allies, instead of enemies, (go away, bad flies. Talking pain, you locos? :mad: :facepalm: )

So, unscheduled but well timed therapy, better than none in my book :)
The reasons timing is difficult and attendance based on that timing may be worth going into, too. Not that much an issue that there exist issues around the whole thing, but in what way, and what can be improved about them.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,
Thank you. I think I understand more. Its not that you are contemplating therapy that you know wont be consistent. Its that you are contemplating treatment and your views about that are:
Its riskier expecting and being let down than not trying at all
People cant be relied upon so its better not to start treatment as you will then be let down and failed.

Or maybe it is that you are attending some sort of group support aimed at the greater good for the group. You aren't speaking up about your needs and the group environment is not made to address these specifically so you are feeling invisible and unheard. And it feels inconsistently supportive for you.

I am great believer in self fulfilling prophecies. We believe the world is So and that we are So and then start taking actions and being around people that confirms these thoughts. Maybe not for you but I have had those experiences. What I try to do is look at what I can do to take action to help my environment break down those beliefs if possible. Chose situations which are less likely to lead to the conclusions I fear. In your situation one to one professional therapy would be a way to do that,

Is this within your church or are looking at mental health support for this? Its important to make sure we are expecting things that are within someones training and remit. I know financials dont always allow what we want, xx

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand @Ronin . Thank you.

I agree with self-fulfilling prophesies @Abstract , and thank you, but no to all the questions and statements. Nothing expected, nothing required to be given; invisibility is allowed and my preference, nothing omitted, not given, not unheard, no needs. Simply for my own coping. And in coping, and learning, and I guess safety, I processed.

My need is to cope. Glad if others are thriving, I'm just trying to get through, I'm doing my best, even if it's not good enough. Finding methods of how to cope? Well, that's up to me. From what I know of myself, I have to have something in place or, well, nothing's in place.

 

[MyWillow]

Thinking about this again...I think having the regular, forward booked appointments is also helping me not be in such a damned hurry to figure out what the f*ck is going on in my head. It’s given me a sense that I can take smaller steps and be present rather than try to smash through and get it over with, which can be retraumatising if I dissociate and have flashbacks every session. It also means I can manage the demands of life better as I’m not spending 3-4 days in a dissociative fog followed by 3 weeks of drinking too much.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @MyWillow , if only it required 'casual' coping, that one could pick and choose when, how, and to what degree it was necessary to address it. :(

I was thinking about stuff, and something I heard made me think of just how many variables come in to play for all people, they were saying for example, when a person is the last kid in a family struggling financially, and of course I presume on top of that traumatically, you learn that all decisions are made for the greater good, you don't have thoughts of the options of decisions or such, or anyone having regard (for your needs or thoughts, specifically). Which doesn't make one's own perceptions wrong- apparently, which is news to me (?). Nor, of course, does it infer anyone else did anything wrong, of course, but I don't really see how anyone would think someone else did something wrong, since it is the greater good, or others' good, that's expected. Plus they said others may have learned to self-advocate of sorts by speaking up, maybe loudly. But it can produce a chasm, of sorts, left as-is. Which would presume this is understood about one's self, and of course isn't (and as we are also expected to understand others, and maybe often don't). At least that makes sense to me. How complex are people! And yet too, how much damage is often done. Or experienced, or even accepted, when one really is in a position where your thoughts and feelings mean nothing, if that is the case. And one never knows, for certain, until the disregard is so great or obvious it's impossible to deny. But then, too, I feel personally like, who cares? It's a much a problem as I make it, and 'feelings' were fairly largely disposable, irrelevant to realities, something I learned, too; I don't really expect sentiment or consideration.

But, anyway, it makes sense to me in other ways, too, how some people find (relative) ease in expecting for themself, or speaking for themself, or feeling angry they're left out or what-have-you, whereas others couldn't fathom being considered or speaking up. I'm not sure if that can be unlearned, actually? Not sure where 'nature' or personality ends and beliefs or all that is 'known' and learned begins? And not sure I'd want to be another way, I don't see being angry at others or whatever as in any way actually a justifiable or even other-than-painful feeling? Part of what makes people very fundamentally different from one another, I suppose. Sort of like a different (invisible) color that runs through a person inside and out, but colors so much, not simply perceptions and beliefs, but nature, thoughts, feelings, values, and so much more. What you can stomach, what you can stomach in terms of how you think of or treat others, too. I do think, or feel, that it is kind of harder, or most uncomfortable, to try to not to be gentle, if you are inclined to be (or maybe it's just weak?, Idk); there's no feeling of gain or self-advocacy (for me) to feel disappointed or have expectation or hope, that seems predicated on self-worth but also that individual (vs the need of all, or others, or any-other) component. Idk. Hope that makes sense. I don't see it as an excuse, but I do feel it helps to have some part of an explanation.

And it also makes sense to me, why I have never in good conscience- been able to understand how people can spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on themself, in T or otherwise- not because it's wrong, but how they could stomach it, or live with it, or even see it as an option they could live with? I could do so much, with even just a little more than what I have, that to me would be 'my' therapy, and livable choice. I remember my family; I 'know', for other families, what it means. That is the prevailing priority, in terms of importance and 'time'- what needs are most pressing to be addressed first.

Sorry this was so long. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Also, I should add, it's good to acknowledge past help too; know the similarities, and the differences.

 

[talon]

Just wondering what others believe. Things that are unpredictable in scheduling, and unpredictably unavailable, is that not like ripping a band aid off every week or few weeks, and aggravating the wound? Not to mention, if I do not do something 2 or 3 times in a row (my fault or not my fault), I rarely go back to it. It becomes important- to nonexistent, like I can't remember even having a part in my life. But especially when it is difficult, and disclosure etc is difficult, and things are difficult to listen to or face, or conversely support is sporadic, it's too important to have to shift gears, and the uncertainty (I think). Like opening Pandora's box, but not closing the lid. Causes harm, more than helpful.

Do others have thoughts/ experiences? I know 'healing' is up to us, and no one else's concern, but if it were a side-hobby that would make sense, but it isn't, and it's de-stabalizing and makes it feel not worth the fight.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Ps, I just realized, I know it accommodates people and the others they want to help, and that is good, so I think I answered my own question, I have to do what is best for me. I'll ask to delete post! (Sorry! :( )

yes you have and you merely wanted someone to confirm . don't apologise there is no need

 

[mumstheword]

I get the feeling that something healthy is rising up, in all this. Perhaps it's the sense that "I DO matter!" and being offered treatment in a way that, for all intents and purposes appears, and could feel, like you are just being slotted in whereever it is convenient for other people, as opposed to for you, is bringing that newly aquired sense of self worth and healthy entitlement to the fore.
Perhaps a voice inside is saying "Nope, I need to be treated with consideration and equality. I need consistency, and if this therapist can't or won't offer me that, then what they do offer is not going to be helpful for me".

If this is accurate or something stirs in you with some kind of recognition or sense of self then, that in itself is, perhaps, a theraputic realization.

Because, maybe, just maybe, something in you has already shifted, to feel a healthier sense of self and that is where this questioning and inner assertiveness is coming from.

I would say unpacking that is well worth the time.

 

[Abstract]

No worries Junebug?
From your reply I have obviously misunderstood entirely.

Was just trying to discern what "A Point to Continuing Anything Therapeutic That Has No Predictable Schedule"referred to and your concerns. If it was therapy or what. Then I could better answer. There was no judgment.

I can only answer the speaking stuff from my own experience which doesnt have to be true for anyone else. For me I started off rarely speaking, literally running from people rather than do so at times, never asking for or getting help, believing I had no anger, etc and I can say now that for me my nature is still there but these things were a result of the environment I was brought up in and with healing they have improved, at my older age. Just to state that some things are about what is taught or we absorb rather than being as they should be. That doesnt mean anyones nature needs to change from soft/tough or whatever else they may be.

 

[Tinyflame]

I like your theory @mumstheword , but in my case it's probably more accurate to say it reflects my lack of worth or value, than having any.

I suppose in an ideal world it's a matter of elimination til you find what works, to keep persevering at that.

It's like struggling in quicksand. I know there must be some Great Cosmic Joke out there that the greater your need or worse you feel the more others will say and do to add to it, the things entirely out of your control. Always in their's, though. Welcome to The Hotel California.. ?

Oh well, let this silly thread die off.

Hugs to all, good luck to us, whatever we choose, xox.

 

[Friday]

The Greater Good ... just tickled my brain in a really interesting way.

When it was JUST me? (Version IDFK) I had no problem doing for myself, in myriad ways. Including many of the ways you listed. I’d drop a few thousand on a fun weekend without blinking. Go somewhere, do something, just because I wanted to. In other ways it was unthinkable. And without exploring that, I can already tell there are trauma points/links there. But that’s off topic from where my mind is going right now ;)

After I had kids? My world OPENED up, in a startling and completely unexpected way. Like exponentially. One of those “I had no idea how small my world was, before!” kinds of things. Sure, I had to do things differently, across several fronts, and made sacrifices up to my eyeballs in other ways. But? Because I had to take care of someone else, all of a sudden things I’d never even considered suddenly winked into existence, and became not only possible, but necessary. Because it wasn’t for me. It was for him.... and then? I also had to take care of myself in countless different ways, because I wanted my son to have the best mom possible. I was a BETTER mom to him doing things like scheduling breaks for myself, but in order to be the BEST mom I could be? My whole life changed. In very, very good ways. It was a bizarre, and totally unexpected side effect. I could never have predicted it. No matter how many zillions of times I’d heard that love “makes you want to be a better person” I’d never realized how much I had never understood what that meant. Until it happened to me. There’s also the funny-because-it’s-true “Help me to be the person my dog thinks I am” :p component.
- I NEEDED to be a better person for my son, but
- I WANTED to be the person he saw me as.

Seeing myself, not through my own eyes, but through someone else’s? And when they’re looking at you with pure, unadulterated love? <low whistle> That’s powerful stuff*.

Once I was on my own, again? There was no greater good? I was no longer building a life for him? I lost myself. My center. My reason for being, much less excelling. Everything I was, everything I’d become, everything I’d fought for... was for him. And now he was gone. That life was gone. I needed to rebuild a life, for myself, and that was completely unthinkable. So I didn’t.

I did try. Many, many, many times. I thought “I just need to learn to be alone”... but I eventually came to the less than flattering realization that I have an upper limit on that (roughly at shin level). The kind of person I am doesn’t work best solo. I can solo shit, but on a scale of 1-10 my absolute best would be maybe a 2. With others (people in my life)? It’s an easy 5, not even trying, just me on a so-so day / nowhere near my best. With someone I love? That I’m willing to break all the rules for, rewrite the rules, Hell. Throw the damn rule book out the window... On a scale of 1-10? It’s an 11. Or 114. Or a Zillion. There’s no upper limit, or limitation, on what I can achieve when I’m reflecting myself off of others, and doing for them, what I believe needs doing. My world simply opens up, and all things become possible... when I am being the person I want them to have.

The first time I was on my own, I never realized how small my world was.

The second time on my own, it was like being shoved in a box. I knew how big life could be... and I couldn’t do it. I could see it, I could remember it, but I couldn’t get back there any more than a person can walk through a TV set onto the plains of Africa.

Anyhow... most I just wanted to thank you for thinking out loud. I’ve had a lot of these pieces tumbling around in my brain for a long time, but your musings is what allowed them to click into place, like tumblers in a lock.

So you may be apologizing, but I’m grateful. Thank you.

* It also make imminent sense that if the person you’re seeing yourself through their eyes ISNT coming from love, but the opposite? On how equally powerful -and inverse- those effects would be.

This kind of thing, in either direction, goes so many thousands of miles different from “codependency” I almost can’t think of a less related thing. Square pegs and round holes, I think, trying to come at it from that angle.

 

[Stephernovas]

Just wondering what others believe. Things that are unpredictable in scheduling, and unpredictably unavailable, is that not like ripping a band aid off every week or few weeks, and aggravating the wound? Not to mention, if I do not do something 2 or 3 times in a row (my fault or not my fault), I rarely go back to it. It becomes important- to nonexistent, like I can't remember even having a part in my life. But especially when it is difficult, and disclosure etc is difficult, and things are difficult to listen to or face, or conversely support is sporadic, it's too important to have to shift gears, and the uncertainty (I think). Like opening Pandora's box, but not closing the lid. Causes harm, more than helpful.

Do others have thoughts/ experiences? I know 'healing' is up to us, and no one else's concern, but if it were a side-hobby that would make sense, but it isn't, and it's de-stabalizing and makes it feel not worth the fight.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Ps, I just realized, I know it accommodates people and the others they want to help, and that is good, so I think I answered my own question, I have to do what is best for me. I'll ask to delete post! (Sorry! :( )

I tried to book in regularly with my therapist, and I was able to for as many sessions were approved. However, throughout the time we have been together she has cancelled a few times a week before (a few times rescheduled a few days before) and the last time it has been a month's warning of her pretty well being gone for 4 weeks.

I'm actually pretty annoyed with the amount she is out of town. I have seen her quite rarely over the past month or so, and I can honestly say I feel ultra disconnected from her. To the degree that I don't feel welcomed, or even want to put any weight into things she says to me in session. For some reason she seems to have thrown up a huge boundary or something and effectively has tried to be distant. I'm over it. I have told her time and time again what my needs are, and she ignores them. I feel as though she sets the goals and I'm scrambling (miserably) to try to reach them.

I'm not sure if she cares to ensure I feel supported anymore or not. Or maybe she's subconsciously trying to get me to fire her. Who knows. She may even think she's 'kicking ass' with me. I don't hate her, but I sure as heck do not care about what she says. I feel she learned all about me and is now toying with what she knows. Unless she decides to smarten up soon, I'm out.