General Is There A "profile" Of Supporters? Looking For A Pattern...

[Eleanor]

Can barely bring myself to post. Horribly written. Maybe incoherent. Not my usual problems. Interesting....Here goes

I hope I don't offend any supporters here. I guess I am sort of implying that we need help too - and not just with the coping stuff. I could be wrong about all of this. Ok I'll stop apologizing before the fact and just shut up.:speechless:}

Update on me and mine to preface the question: Husband is doing EMDR (decided to go with the therapist who husband connected to immediately) 5 year old is in therapy. I just started with same therapist as husband. Husband doing very well. 5 year old is quite happy with her doc. Waiting on second session for T with me.

My question grows out of the theory that a person falls in love with another person who has (in the negative) congruent neuroses.

Here is where my question comes from: The T says "let me reframe that in a more positive way: we fall in love with people who offer us opportunities for healing." Right. Hopefully everybody knows what I mean. So I am talking to T about my first husband (basically a slightly worse version of my dad who is so mildly Asperger's-y that you have to know him really really well to even suspect) and mentioned that I decided on divorce (after 10 or so years) because I couldn't "fix" him, and couldn't live with him as was. I said it spooked me because I had worked really hard to give up my "rescuer" habit with respect to people - and went looking for someone who Did Not Need Rescuing - and found... my husband, who has PTSD and needs rescuing - oops NOT - he has to rescue himself. T looks pleased, says something about thereputic something or other.

In the interests of saving myself a lot of chasing ideas down blind alleys and doing a lot more fruitless searches here (;) ) Is there a "profile" of supporters? We know something about the dynamics and patterns of sufferers - but what of the people who choose them? Again in the negative (though not judgmentally, just more descriptive in my mind) if we start with the assumption that we always pick/fall in love with people equally "screwed up" as ourselves THAT means I must have something that parallels PTSD (in a yin yang kind of way - sorry don't seem to have the right language here) that needs working on in tandem.

Admittedly I am not too keen on the idea that I might have some "anti-PTSD" thing - I'd just as soon NOT. But if the theory is right we BOTH need to get better to have the marriage we want - and to get the things healed. The problem for me is that whatever is wrong with me **I Can't See It**. I have (diagnosed at 35! AH, many things make sense) ADD which comes with being a bad observer of oneself apparently. My folks are lovely pleasant people who have raised denial to an art form and avoid conflict so thoroughly as to make it appear effortless (only took me most of my adult life to figure that one out.) They are an inch deep and a mile wide. Haven't told them about husband's PTSD because, well, what would be the point? But here is the thing - I can't think of ANYTHING in my past that is more than necessarily human trauma (pets dying, that sort of thing.) There are several "oddities" that vex me in my own behavior - my inability to engage in pretend play with my daughter - I just seem to "sheer off" and need to do something else when I try. I have a devil of a time getting anything professional written (a problem because I am an academic and it is part of my job.) again, I start and just...suddenly am doing something else. Clearly I can write at length here :eek:. I have, in the past, been an expert at stuffing anger and hurt (worked on that after the first marriage, have gotten much better.) I can read micro-expressions, and have done since at least Jr. high. I am always "Fine." My husband says I have no "tells" as to when I am totally exhausted. I am just throwing stuff out here to see if there are any commonalities that we might uncover (or to elicit the "What you need to read is ...." response!:geek:)

What do you guys think?

 

[Tinyflame]

I have read Eleanor that we relate to those with the same wounds but opposite (or ideally complementary, I suppose) ways of dealing with those wounds.

 

[Eleanor]

I have read Eleanor that we relate to those with the same wounds but opposite (or ideally complementary, I suppose) ways of dealing with those wounds.

Could you give me a reference?

I've been reading the co-dependency thread - but doesn't quite seem to fit me...

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Eleanor I'm sorry, simply can't recall where (which book) I read it in.

Just as a mini off-side, and JMHO, of course, but perhaps you don't relate to the co-dependency thread simply because it's not applicable?
I have found the older I get- and more specifically the healthier relationships I have, and in realizing what (or 'whom') was harmful to me, less and less of that applies.

I think that what matters most, is to allow (and encourage) others to be able to be themselves; and hopefully to be able to be (true to, and) 'yourself', as well.
Then one can support and value each other, but with freedom.

 

[Eleanor]

Rats on the reference. Well if you think of it.. let me know.

Doesn't fit? Well I HOPE that's why! :D My family of origin is totally weird, "Ruthlessly Normal and Pleasant" is how I think of them. They have raised accommodation and avoidance to an art form. In the words of my grad school therapist "they present extremely well." So nothing, on a cursory view looks at all wrong. And yet... here I am.:O_o: The co-dependence really doesn't fit me very well... oh the taking care of everyone else first thing does, but my heavens if that was enough three quarters of all women on the planet and a good half of the men would fit! (Not that I'm counting or anything :))

Support and value each other with freedom. I like that. It sounds a lot like Aristotle's friendship of virtue.

 

[Prettysmile]

Is there a "profile" of supporters? We know something about the dynamics and patterns of sufferers - but what of the people who choose them? Again in the negative (though not judgmentally, just more descriptive in my mind) if we start with the assumption that we always pick/fall in love with people equally "screwed up" as ourselves THAT means I must have something that parallels PTSD (in a yin yang kind of way - sorry don't seem to have the right language here) that needs working on in tandem.

My cousin and I were discussing this very same topic over the phone a week ago. Apparently every guy I've dated since my traumatic break up with my daughters father/ ex fiance (we were together nine years) every guy I dated including my on again off again relationship with my marine all had some form of ptsd. Well let me just say I didn’t know what PTSD was until a few months ago when I was trying to figure out what was going on with my marine. But the guy I dated before that had some serious trauma happen to him such as witnessing his brother die in a car accident which he was also in and survived and he is also former military. He may have had PTSD too and that relationship didn’t last more than a month. I met my marine and I discover he has combat PTSD. So I did question whether or not there is something wrong with myself. Why do I keep attracting people with PTSD? There is a saying “you attract who you are" “or " Like attracts alike". I don’t have ADD, I don’t have any mental illness (that I am aware of at least). SO I'm with you Eleanor.. What is it about the supporter???? This time the supporter being me.

 

[Eleanor]

Following my T (who seems like a fairly sharp guy), if we look for partners who offer (create situations that demand?) that we heal something in ourselves, then being with someone with PTSD offers some opportunity for growth. The question is... what opportunities? What kind of healing? It seems so Extreme to me. What would require that severe a what? motivation? to fix? :confused: Glad I'm not the only one wandering down this path Prettysmile!

 

[Tinyflame]

Perhaps ptsd isn't the attractant, perhaps other things are, maybe even positive ones, or something that comes 'from' living with ptsd. Perhaps one has to see that if they recognize things in others it's because of the familiarity of finding (having) the same within themself.

 

[StarWoman]

I cannot say I know much about this one first being on the other side and having PTSD however I can say that the last couple of months have been very enlightening for me seeing my husband now go through it.

I find myself checking just how personally mindful I am at any given moment and checking just how much I actually judge his actions without thinking. I can't help but wonder about how much he is helping me learn new things about myself when it comes to acceptance without judgement.

Perhaps what we look for is a way to teach ourselves how to be more accepting without judgement of others and then we can transfer that knowledge to ourselves.

Just an idea.

 

[Tinyflame]

Me too, ptsd or not. Irregardless of the ptsd, I don't have the right to judge or control, nor would I rather.

Not sure of the 'words' but one thing about struggling with ptsd, I think it gives a somewhat different perspective, list of priorities, and a desire to cut to the heart of matters- but without judgment. (Well, except there's lots of judgment against yourself!)

I don't think anyone with ptsd really wants to be a 'charity case'; similarly I guess I don't 'analyze it' enough, but I feel as per relationships you either 'want' or 'choose' to stay, and 'give'-which is an end in-and-of-itself, or one should allow the other person to be with someone else who would really appreciate them more/ be a better 'fit'. Not that relationships are always 'rosy', of course- but JMHO lukewarm is just not my choice.

 

[Eleanor]

StarWoman - my uncle Tom sent me the "cat burgler" photo years ago, and I LOVE that photo - it is so funny!

Accepting without judgment is important to me - and is certainly one of the things that dealing with PTSD in my husband has helped me develop... but I was actually pretty good at that before. Really, what I have had to struggle with is being non-reactive, and having good "boundaries." I chose him in part because he so obviously did not need rescuing which is actually true, since one can't rescue someone else from PTSD.

The positive part is interesting...

Still thinking...

 

[Nicolette]

In the interests of saving myself a lot of chasing ideas down blind alleys and doing a lot more fruitless searches here (;) ) Is there a "profile" of supporters? We know something about the dynamics and patterns of sufferers - but what of the people who choose them? Again in the negative (though not judgmentally, just more descriptive in my mind) if we start with the assumption that we always pick/fall in love with people equally "screwed up" as ourselves THAT means I must have something that parallels PTSD (in a yin yang kind of way - sorry don't seem to have the right language here) that needs working on in tandem.

Hmmm.... I appreciate what you are trying to achieve Elanor but here are some points to consider:

• Some people are already together when the other partner develops PTSD
• Some people are already together when something happens to cause their partner to end up with PTSD
• When I met Anthony he told me had PTSD and he seemed normal. I didn't research PTSD as I didn't see anything obviously wrong with him... the attraction wasn't him being incapable or needing caring, nurturing, help etc
• If I was to be single now with the knowledge I have, and met someone with PTSD, I would consider the potential relationship a lot more than what I did getting involved with PTSD in the first instance
• I don't think I'm "screwed up" - I think the hardship I have gone through in my life leads me to be more compassionate and tolerant towards someone with PTSD (now that I know what it is) but at the same time it has changed me to be a more assertive person to save my own sanity in the throws of the illness hitting
• I think the word 'always' is a bit heavy as I have got better in picking partners as I learned that what I knew as normal (male abuse and dominance) was not normal nor what I had to accept.