General Is There A "profile" Of Supporters? Looking For A Pattern...

[Tinyflame]

Eleanor, JMHO and not worth much- and God knows I'm the last person to find 'positives' within the experience of ptsd, and it may be just (living) experiences (in general) that produce this end result, but the commonality I have found between others with it is the focus becomes different- 'Bigger' things matter more, smaller ones less so, though there is a greater appreciation or 'thankfulness' of smaller (positive)things. Perhaps simply because there is so much struggle involved, such an inability to 'point the finger' when one falls so short themself, such an understanding of reckless behaviour, near- death experiences (including suicide- think around 65% in the poll here said they've tried at least once), etc.
And a greater awareness of others' struggles/ understanding things are not what they may appear.

That doesn't sound too cheery, ugh! And ptsd and all of it's manifestations aren't, by and large.

I work predominantly with seniors and have heard many of them tell me that the conclusions they've drawn are what I myself have, just that they've drawn them 60 to 80 + years later than I did.

I think if one tries to work on being healthier, and clean their own house, so to speak, they can contribute better to their relationships and also learn to seek out healthier ones, or not be abused. Hopefully, amidst all the difficult trust issues, triggers and experiences, people will still be able to have healthy relationships.
But yes, unfortunately, there is probably a 'swing' towards the reality (or at least the feeling/ 'fear'), that the person without ptsd will be getting the 'poorer' end of the deal.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Nicolette, I agree as a 'sufferer' and as a 'supporter' (and as a 'person').
I think that's a kind, well-rounded, and realistic way to express it.

 

[Eleanor]

Very helpful. Thank you Nicolette. I'm going to go through this point by point (mostly for my own edification)

Some people are already together when the other partner develops PTSD
Some people are already together when something happens to cause their partner to end up with PTSD

• Right, these wouldn't count as part of the sample - except in so far as the attraction might be to someone predisposed to GET PTSD - not enough information there so put aside for now.

• [*]When I met Anthony he told me had PTSD and he seemed normal. I didn't research PTSD as I didn't see anything obviously wrong with him... the attraction wasn't him being incapable or needing caring, nurturing, help etc

• Well, NO. I mean, that is what is so puzzling about it is that (in my case as well) it was invisible. I went out looking for someone who did not need "fixing up" as my best friend said :). I was confident I had found such a person. And I guess, in one way, I was right. But in another...
  

  [*]If I was to be single now with the knowledge I have, and met someone with PTSD, I would consider the potential relationship a lot more than what I did getting involved with PTSD in the first instance

• Me too. I am pretty risk averse, and would not have signed up, especially would not have brought a child into such a relationship on purpose.
  

  [*]I don't think I'm "screwed up" - I think the hardship I have gone through in my life leads me to be more compassionate and tolerant towards someone with PTSD (now that I know what it is) but at the same time it has changed me to be a more assertive person to save my own sanity in the throws of the illness hitting

• This is just the confusing thing for me - I don't really think I am "screwed up". I tend to think of myself as pretty darn sane and well balanced and even "pro-active." I'll have to think about the assertiveness thing. (Professionally, and with friends I am certainly assertive - not to say sometimes crossing the line into "aggressive" from time to time....)
  

  [*]I think the word 'always' is a bit heavy as I have got better in picking partners as I learned that what I knew as normal (male abuse and dominance) was not normal nor what I had to accept.

Well, yes, "always". False universals. "Mostly always" then ;). I want to think I've gotten better at picking partners. It's a fairly large sample to tell the truth. In retrospect the trend has been generally up - but in a strange, meandering kind of way. Not a straight line by any means. Until this one I always chose "fixer-uppers."

 

[Nicolette]

Eleanor I am on an iPad so quoting is painful sorry.

I will say this:
* Anthony having PTSD and me then knowing what it was had bearing on our decision not to have a child together
* 'Fixer-uppers' can also be described as more compassionate and helpful..... Every personality type has its place in the world ;)

 

[Eleanor]

'Bigger' things matter more, smaller ones less so, though there is a greater appreciation or 'thankfulness' of smaller (positive)things. Perhaps simply because there is so much struggle involved, such an inability to 'point the finger' when one falls so short themself, such an understanding of reckless behaviour, near- death experiences (including suicide- think around 65% in the poll here said they've tried at least once), etc.

Actually this is a pretty good list of what I find so appealing about my husband - and what we seem to share. Neither of us are materialistic. We both appreciate small things, and like to play. We are both forgiving (often to a fault) and have a history of reckless behaviour and so a great understanding of it. I seem to have a talent for being with people who are dying (I don't freak out.)

And a greater awareness of others' struggles/ understanding things are not what they may appear.

This I am pretty good at. I habitually distinguish between appearance and reality ( a habit honed by philosophy plus too many mystery novels!):geek: It seems to me to be crucial.

I think if one tries to work on being healthier, and clean their own house, so to speak, they can contribute better to their relationships and also learn to seek out healthier ones, or not be abused. Hopefully, amidst all the difficult trust issues, triggers and experiences, people will still be able to have healthy relationships.
But yes, unfortunately, there is probably a 'swing' towards the reality (or at least the feeling/ 'fear'), that the person without ptsd will be getting the 'poorer' end of the deal.

And this points to what is the REALLY surprising thing to me. My husband and I, in spite of everything, have a super relationship. We are, in our terminology "Really Married." As opposed to a lot of people we know who are "married on paper."

This leads me to another quasi hypothesis; my husband's "scripts" (at least some of them) that he runs in his episodes push my buttons - "You don't clean up after yourself", that kind of thing. It used to Make Me Crazy, and I would start running my own stuff (Yes I do, You are picking on me, No one appreciates me...etc etc. God how boring is all that! YAWN) but NOW... am I done with those things? Interesting... requires more thought.

I guess it is because I think that in good relationships people grow in tandem, that I don't think I am likely to get the 'poorer" end of the deal...

No epiphanies yet.... but it feels like pieces of the puzzle are getting on the table..:) How wonderful it is to have you guys to help sort stuff out! Gratitude out at'cha...

 

[Tinyflame]

Eleanor, you are sweet. :)

I guess 'love' or 'life' rarely fits pre-supposed, clean patterns, - ( :tdown: :eek: :( ), but no different in some ways than falling in love with someone with Diabetes. OK- it is different, lol :eek::rolleyes:

Evidently you're both doing better for each other- that's all I know and what matters, to me ptsd-or-not that is more important.

Best wishes to you both, xox :) :tup:

 

[ronnalee]

When I was much younger and in therapy, I learned (as a fixer, rescuer-type) that I controlled others and my surroundings by being 'nice.' I joke now that I have been to rehab for fixing people (the desire to) and digging deeper into what is eating my lunch helps me clarify beyond my niceness.

 

[Supercd]

Wondered this a lot lately as well. Like Nicolette I did not notice anything out of the ordinary when I first met my husband.

Myself I was unlike Nicolette messed up with my own issues. He actually helped me with a lot of that culminating in my decision to cut off contact with my own FOO.

After a while it became apparent before any such diagnosis regardless. Still life was stable. There were quirks. Problems... issues... but essentially accepted them for what they were.

Now with PTSD on the table I have seen more of the person I believe my husband was meant to be.

Surprising as that sounds. There is no more denial. There is more expression honesty openness and discovery. There are a boat load of problems now yes. It honestly does not bother me.

My stress cup is pretty sturdy. Have always a good capacity for handling my stress. It is tough to see him hurting. Tough to witness the pain. Tough to hear the anger and frustration and sadness and despair.

But it is not tough to support him...

He is who he is problems and all. He has helped me grow and heal in many ways too.

What helps is a good establishment of boundaries. Acceptable versus nonacceptable behavior. Understanding where it comes from. Having a good therapist! :roflmao:

Acceptance...love...peace...communication. Everybody has problems and there ain't one person who does not in this world! :p You just have to learn to integrate it all.

Just my two cents!

 

[Eleanor]

I joke now that I have been to rehab for fixing people (the desire to) and digging deeper into what is eating my lunch helps me clarify beyond my niceness

Hmmm... I recall giving up being "nice". I think it was in 1998. Maybe later. I know I decided to do that at some point. (This is all seriousness actually.) It had to to with assigning grades I think. And then it just seemed natural to apply it universally. "nice" sucks. (I distinguish between this and pleasant. see Harvey for my exemplar of Pleasant - I don't aspire to "oh so pleasant.":) ) I am getting better at just "letting things be." Interesting.

My T did observe that I am "not very fluid in expressing my emotions." I thought I knew what he meant then. Now not so sure...

 

[godflesh]

Interesting question. I came here with the theory that maybe my wife has PTSD, though I still do not know for sure.

I grew to be a very quiet and socially awkward person but have experienced nothing that I consider "traumatic", though I think my angry/crappy Dad contributed more to my social anxiety than I know/will admit.

She grew to be socially awkward and quiet due to trauma, though I had no idea about the trauma until recently.

Forces that we both still do not understand shaped us into the people we are. That, in addition to many similar interests, forged a compatibility that we couldn't deny. We're two people, broken for different reasons, trying to love each other the best we can.

 

[Prettysmile]

Forces that we both still do not understand shaped us into the people we are. That, in addition to many similar interests, forged a compatibility that we couldn't deny. We're two people, broken for different reasons, trying to love each other the best we can.

Nicely said.

 

[Adrienne]

Thank you so much Eleanor for starting this thread. I am dating a complex ptsd sufferer, and have dated guys that I would classify as "troubled" in the past (although their "troubles" were more commonplace – general depression, mild social anxiety). I was looking for someone with no troubles – the most well adjusted guy I could find – when I fell for my current partner. When I first met him, I thought that he was just that, so confident, charismatic, kind and down-to-earth. It only took a few weeks for that view to unravel.

My friends and family are rather disappointed to see me, once again, devoting my time, resources and money to helping/dating a "troubled" guy. They say I always choose "fix-er-uppers." I would describe myself as a healthy, outgoing, optimistic individual who had a healthy childhood, but even I can admit that it doesn't feel very healthy to focus so wholly on someone else's issues over my own pursuits.

I love my current boyfriend and in him I see the guy I've always wanted, but the fact that he regularly pushes me away is painful. I deeply respect all of the supporters on this site who have worked through that pain to reach a point of understanding. I am embarrassed to say that, even though I love more deeply than I have in my entire life, I still doubt my commitment to this struggle (knowing, as I do, that even as he gets treatment, the difficulties will be ongoing). However, I wonder if I decide to leave, will I find myself in a similar situation with another man down the road?

I've always felt more empathetic than most – more accommodating towards others' difficulties (it has come in handy at my job – my boss always knows I have the tact to handle the "difficult" clients). Eleanor, I relate to what you said about stuffing hurt and anger down but, like you, I have improved my assertiveness vastly in this relationship – and I don't think it was ever THAT big of a problem...

I am torn. Maybe we're attracted to the good things that arise in PTSD sufferers (an appreciation for the little things, a deep ability to self-reflect, humility) and the good things in us (openness, patience, a wide capacity for empathy, maybe a tendency to self-sacrafice?) keep the relationship going...

Either way, I’m sick and tired of having to struggle. Sometimes staying single forever doesn’t seem so bad.