S
stripe32
Hello all,
This is my first post. I've been reading forum entries here for a few hours tonight, but I haven't come across anything similar to my own situation - and neither have I spoken to anybody IRL about it, either - and I'd like some advice from people who understand PTSD better than I do, please.
First of all – sorry for the diatribe!
TLDR: My husband had C-PTSD due to childhood abuse. Living with him whilst undiagnosed & during treatment, whilst also raising 2 young children which triggered him has caused my own C-PTSD several years later. He is now recovered & does much of the work / care that I am unable to do now; however he and the children are my triggers - He is both my abuser and my rescuer.
Is recovery possible without leaving my marriage and my family?
Long version:
I've been with my husband for 20 years, we have 4 children together (all under 12). My first pregnancy triggered a breakdown for my husband, who was eventually diagnosed with C-PTSD due to emotional, physical & sexual abuse by his parents for most of his childhood (primarily his mother). He was undiagnosed for 5-6 years after this breakdown. In the interim, life was pretty difficult. My husband - very much the 'alpha male' type, yet funny, gregarious & outgoing - was suddenly extremely irritable, angry a lot of the time, couldn't cope with children crying, mess, vomiting (our daughter had exorcist-style gastric reflux for her first year), and many other things that I don't remember very well at the moment. I stayed as I knew this wasn't 'normal' for him, & I knew he had the potential to be a good father. I did everything for the children at this point.
Needless to say, this wasn't an easy time in our lives - though I remember completing those postnatal depression questionnaires in the months after the birth, honestly answering that I was 'fine' & thinking that my responses were a bit weird as my circumstances were anything but 'fine'. I took to having sex with my husband to keep him happier (whether or not I wanted to) - as he would be in a better mood, and more tolerant of our children for a day or 2 after (our 2nd child was born 2 years after our 1st).
Though he improved slightly over time, this situation endured for the next 5-6 years, until we managed to piece the puzzle together & he eventually sought treatment for the abuse he had suffered. He had a further 4 years of treatment, and eventually found some closure in 2015 after confronting his abuser. He (according to him) would now no longer meet the criteria for a PTSD diagnosis; he has moved on with his life & has been successfully pursuing a new career path for the last 3 years.
For many years I thought I was unaffected by living through this experience - regrettably this proved not to be so. About 6 months after my husband's 'closure' experience, I began to experience periods of extreme irritability, where I couldn't tolerate being around my family (who of course didn't understand what was happening….but then neither did I). I began being startled by loud noises, couldn’t tolerate the vacuum cleaner noise……..and my symptoms got progressively worse in frequency and variety.
Today I am triggered by simply being around my family (husband & children). Crying / screaming / ‘horseplay’ is especially hard to cope with; loud noises, bumps, bangs, things being dropped, children running / jumping inside; my husbands’ tone of voice / mood, even somebody talking slightly too loud can cause anxiety / hypervigilance to build. Regrettably this usually manifests as irritability / anger. I have always been a ‘night-owl’, but this seems to be worse presently; I sleep far too heavily & cannot wake in the morning. I cannot go out / take my children out on weekends / in school holidays due to feeling overwhelmed & unable to cope with this (we used to go out on every non-school day).
My husband & I haven’t had regular sex for at least a year now. After spending so long having sex to keep him happy (or happier, at least); I think I have developed an aversion to it. It’s not a bonding experience, a way to show love or affection (all things my husband would have said about it, & still says) – to me it’s a chore, an obligation, a way to ‘keep the peace’ and avoid conflict.
My husband, possibly due to his childhood, feels rejected and repeatedly doubts whether I love him still due to our lack of sex – he says he only feels loved when we have physical intimacy. The trouble is, physical intimacy makes me feel used, unloved and empty inside. It’s worse when he thanks me afterwards & keeps mentioning it (& how much he enjoyed it) for days afterwards! Presently he goes through periods of ‘sulking’ & taking his frustration at this situation out on the rest of the family. I’m too ‘over’ this now to consider doing anything about it anymore, but I still find it triggering.
Functionally I am now a shadow of my former self. I’d graduated from university just before this started happening, but after trying & failing to continue with a couple of postgrad programmes, I have not been able to work or study for over a year now. My husband does the vast majority of the school runs / housework / childcare etc, as I don’t cope well. He is struggling with this - but whilst I help where I can, this isn’t much at the moment.
Needless to say, my family are fed up with this situation & I feel hugely guilty about it. My life atm isn’t ‘living’, I’m fed up of battling every day to get the smallest of tasks done, & not being able to do the things I want to do. I’m fed up of annoying / upsetting my family.
I’ve sought medical help several times, but seem to get brushed under the carpet as I’ve probably minimised the impact of these issues on my life at the appointment (I simply won’t go at all if I’m ‘falling apart’. I’ve been prescribed SSRIs, but serotonin-boosting medication seems to make things worse. I was referred for counselling, but life had taken a complicated & difficult turn at the time the appointment eventually arrived, & I wasn’t able to go. I’ve re-referred, but it will be 6 months before I get another, I expect.
Anyway, from not knowing what the hell was going on 3 years ago, I have realised in the past year or so that my own symptoms are consistent with C-PTSD also. My husband agrees with this (it felt very much like ‘copying’ to first discuss this with him!).
However, in the past couple of days (thanks to a programme about abuse which I happened to watch), I have come to several other realisations:
1. The situation at home when my daughter was born was the reason that I struggled to bond with her when she was young (I sought counselling for this at the time, but it wasn’t helpful).
2. Shortly after my daughter was born, there was an event which I’d always dismissed – but in the past few days it’s been bothering me.
I’d been discharged from hospital the day before; after spending the evening at home with his friends I was up all night trying to feed (& keep quiet) a new baby who wanted to do neither. The next morning, quite out of the blue, & whilst I was changing her nappy, my husband announced that he thought we should divorce! I was blindsided by this (he’d never mentioned anything remotely like it before), & a huge argument ensued.
We ended up having sex (initiated by him, though I don’t think I stopped him). I’d given birth 3 days before – an assisted delivery with ventouse + forceps (1st didn’t work), & a 3rd degree tear which required surgical repair.
At the time I was almost proud of this, that our relationship was ‘back to normal’ (?!!) so quickly – but I’ve realised this week that there may be other words to describe this event. I also realised (I googled it) that most sex offenders don’t actually consider themselves to be as such. My husband would be absolutely appalled – and I don’t think he’d cope, psychologically – to think that this might apply to him.
3. My husband is adamant – and he’s right – that he’s changed. He’s nothing like his former self; that is – who he was when he was struggling with his own C-PTSD. He finds the fact that his moods / actions / tone of voice, etc (now) are triggering for me, difficult to cope with.
However, I’ve realised that whilst he has moved on & regards himself almost as a different person, I still live with my abuser - psychologically speaking, at least. Or at least, I still live with someone who looks, sounds, smells, & feels exactly like him – especially in moments where he’s cross, irritated, unhappy or feels overwhelmed himself. However, he is also the only person I have for support (I have no close friends, & my only other family is my mother, who doesn’t know about any of this & would struggle to cope with it). My husband picks up all the slack which I can’t cope with, and is (mostly) understanding, caring & wants to help me get over this. I wouldn’t manage without him at the moment.
He is both my abuser and my rescuer.
My question is - Do I have any chance of getting over this without breaking up my family? I don’t want to leave my marriage (& he doesn’t want me to leave, either) – doing so would seem the ultimate exercise in futility, given everything I (& he) has been through to build a stable, happy family (which - despite everything - we are, apart from all the PTSD-bullsh*t).
….BUT….. I’ve never heard of anybody overcoming this without leaving the situation which caused the problem in the first place.
Any thoughts, advice or opinions gratefully received.
Thanks in advance x.
This is my first post. I've been reading forum entries here for a few hours tonight, but I haven't come across anything similar to my own situation - and neither have I spoken to anybody IRL about it, either - and I'd like some advice from people who understand PTSD better than I do, please.
First of all – sorry for the diatribe!
TLDR: My husband had C-PTSD due to childhood abuse. Living with him whilst undiagnosed & during treatment, whilst also raising 2 young children which triggered him has caused my own C-PTSD several years later. He is now recovered & does much of the work / care that I am unable to do now; however he and the children are my triggers - He is both my abuser and my rescuer.
Is recovery possible without leaving my marriage and my family?
Long version:
I've been with my husband for 20 years, we have 4 children together (all under 12). My first pregnancy triggered a breakdown for my husband, who was eventually diagnosed with C-PTSD due to emotional, physical & sexual abuse by his parents for most of his childhood (primarily his mother). He was undiagnosed for 5-6 years after this breakdown. In the interim, life was pretty difficult. My husband - very much the 'alpha male' type, yet funny, gregarious & outgoing - was suddenly extremely irritable, angry a lot of the time, couldn't cope with children crying, mess, vomiting (our daughter had exorcist-style gastric reflux for her first year), and many other things that I don't remember very well at the moment. I stayed as I knew this wasn't 'normal' for him, & I knew he had the potential to be a good father. I did everything for the children at this point.
Needless to say, this wasn't an easy time in our lives - though I remember completing those postnatal depression questionnaires in the months after the birth, honestly answering that I was 'fine' & thinking that my responses were a bit weird as my circumstances were anything but 'fine'. I took to having sex with my husband to keep him happier (whether or not I wanted to) - as he would be in a better mood, and more tolerant of our children for a day or 2 after (our 2nd child was born 2 years after our 1st).
Though he improved slightly over time, this situation endured for the next 5-6 years, until we managed to piece the puzzle together & he eventually sought treatment for the abuse he had suffered. He had a further 4 years of treatment, and eventually found some closure in 2015 after confronting his abuser. He (according to him) would now no longer meet the criteria for a PTSD diagnosis; he has moved on with his life & has been successfully pursuing a new career path for the last 3 years.
For many years I thought I was unaffected by living through this experience - regrettably this proved not to be so. About 6 months after my husband's 'closure' experience, I began to experience periods of extreme irritability, where I couldn't tolerate being around my family (who of course didn't understand what was happening….but then neither did I). I began being startled by loud noises, couldn’t tolerate the vacuum cleaner noise……..and my symptoms got progressively worse in frequency and variety.
Today I am triggered by simply being around my family (husband & children). Crying / screaming / ‘horseplay’ is especially hard to cope with; loud noises, bumps, bangs, things being dropped, children running / jumping inside; my husbands’ tone of voice / mood, even somebody talking slightly too loud can cause anxiety / hypervigilance to build. Regrettably this usually manifests as irritability / anger. I have always been a ‘night-owl’, but this seems to be worse presently; I sleep far too heavily & cannot wake in the morning. I cannot go out / take my children out on weekends / in school holidays due to feeling overwhelmed & unable to cope with this (we used to go out on every non-school day).
My husband & I haven’t had regular sex for at least a year now. After spending so long having sex to keep him happy (or happier, at least); I think I have developed an aversion to it. It’s not a bonding experience, a way to show love or affection (all things my husband would have said about it, & still says) – to me it’s a chore, an obligation, a way to ‘keep the peace’ and avoid conflict.
My husband, possibly due to his childhood, feels rejected and repeatedly doubts whether I love him still due to our lack of sex – he says he only feels loved when we have physical intimacy. The trouble is, physical intimacy makes me feel used, unloved and empty inside. It’s worse when he thanks me afterwards & keeps mentioning it (& how much he enjoyed it) for days afterwards! Presently he goes through periods of ‘sulking’ & taking his frustration at this situation out on the rest of the family. I’m too ‘over’ this now to consider doing anything about it anymore, but I still find it triggering.
Functionally I am now a shadow of my former self. I’d graduated from university just before this started happening, but after trying & failing to continue with a couple of postgrad programmes, I have not been able to work or study for over a year now. My husband does the vast majority of the school runs / housework / childcare etc, as I don’t cope well. He is struggling with this - but whilst I help where I can, this isn’t much at the moment.
Needless to say, my family are fed up with this situation & I feel hugely guilty about it. My life atm isn’t ‘living’, I’m fed up of battling every day to get the smallest of tasks done, & not being able to do the things I want to do. I’m fed up of annoying / upsetting my family.
I’ve sought medical help several times, but seem to get brushed under the carpet as I’ve probably minimised the impact of these issues on my life at the appointment (I simply won’t go at all if I’m ‘falling apart’. I’ve been prescribed SSRIs, but serotonin-boosting medication seems to make things worse. I was referred for counselling, but life had taken a complicated & difficult turn at the time the appointment eventually arrived, & I wasn’t able to go. I’ve re-referred, but it will be 6 months before I get another, I expect.
Anyway, from not knowing what the hell was going on 3 years ago, I have realised in the past year or so that my own symptoms are consistent with C-PTSD also. My husband agrees with this (it felt very much like ‘copying’ to first discuss this with him!).
However, in the past couple of days (thanks to a programme about abuse which I happened to watch), I have come to several other realisations:
1. The situation at home when my daughter was born was the reason that I struggled to bond with her when she was young (I sought counselling for this at the time, but it wasn’t helpful).
2. Shortly after my daughter was born, there was an event which I’d always dismissed – but in the past few days it’s been bothering me.
I’d been discharged from hospital the day before; after spending the evening at home with his friends I was up all night trying to feed (& keep quiet) a new baby who wanted to do neither. The next morning, quite out of the blue, & whilst I was changing her nappy, my husband announced that he thought we should divorce! I was blindsided by this (he’d never mentioned anything remotely like it before), & a huge argument ensued.
We ended up having sex (initiated by him, though I don’t think I stopped him). I’d given birth 3 days before – an assisted delivery with ventouse + forceps (1st didn’t work), & a 3rd degree tear which required surgical repair.
At the time I was almost proud of this, that our relationship was ‘back to normal’ (?!!) so quickly – but I’ve realised this week that there may be other words to describe this event. I also realised (I googled it) that most sex offenders don’t actually consider themselves to be as such. My husband would be absolutely appalled – and I don’t think he’d cope, psychologically – to think that this might apply to him.
3. My husband is adamant – and he’s right – that he’s changed. He’s nothing like his former self; that is – who he was when he was struggling with his own C-PTSD. He finds the fact that his moods / actions / tone of voice, etc (now) are triggering for me, difficult to cope with.
However, I’ve realised that whilst he has moved on & regards himself almost as a different person, I still live with my abuser - psychologically speaking, at least. Or at least, I still live with someone who looks, sounds, smells, & feels exactly like him – especially in moments where he’s cross, irritated, unhappy or feels overwhelmed himself. However, he is also the only person I have for support (I have no close friends, & my only other family is my mother, who doesn’t know about any of this & would struggle to cope with it). My husband picks up all the slack which I can’t cope with, and is (mostly) understanding, caring & wants to help me get over this. I wouldn’t manage without him at the moment.
He is both my abuser and my rescuer.
My question is - Do I have any chance of getting over this without breaking up my family? I don’t want to leave my marriage (& he doesn’t want me to leave, either) – doing so would seem the ultimate exercise in futility, given everything I (& he) has been through to build a stable, happy family (which - despite everything - we are, apart from all the PTSD-bullsh*t).
….BUT….. I’ve never heard of anybody overcoming this without leaving the situation which caused the problem in the first place.
Any thoughts, advice or opinions gratefully received.
Thanks in advance x.
