Is This A Flashback?

[bitterfight_]

I feel like I've posted so many questions recently, but I hate talking/asking questions to anyone in my life, including my T and my family when these things happen.

I'm currently in a "team work room" in my college, which is basically just a work room to study where you can book it alone. I'm waiting for my friend to show up (she's about 20 mins away) and I was looking up "tapping" techniques my T suggested me to read up on, and I had this.... episode I guess.

I can't describe it because it's like it's within my reach, but it's still so foggy. I can't fully reach it / understand it. I could hear/feel someone screaming in my head. It's like it was happening right then and there, but part of my mind was telling me it was a memory. I don't know where it's connected in this mess of my life (lol) because it could be a number of things, but it felt weird. It feels like a memory of a meltdown I've had, or someone throwing or smashing dishes and screaming or just screaming in general. (Background: in junior high I was locked in a bathroom in the dark and some other bad shit happened and right now and this might be influencing this... episode(?)). I'm just so afraid. I've read up on BPD and Bipolar (because my mom once threw at me that I might have these) and now I've convinced myself that it's a racing thought and it's because I'm manic or something. It's just, I've had nightmares before and I have intrusive thoughts, but this one thing I can't classify. It's not something I have a title for. I don't want to call my T and ask because I see her in a few days, but it scared me pretty intensely.

Do you guys think it was a flashback? How do I handle these (they're not like my panic attacks or dissociative symptoms so..). Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as I was just recently diagnosed with delayed onset / chronic PTSD.

 

[Nativia]

For the first year or so after I was initially "hurt," I had flashbacks of many different types. I had been drugged (over-dosed) by my attacker, and my memories were very clear, but very disconnected from one another. It took me at least three months to remember all of the parts and pieces of memories that I was ever going to remember. After three months I was trying to connect the ones I had to one another so as to assemble a picture of what happened that was chronological and less frightening for me.

My flashbacks would come in all sorts of ways... a visual without audio, a visual that was strangely out of body but connected to other visuals, audio flashbacks without visuals, body memories, conversational flashbacks (phrases I heard that night), taste flashbacks that would cause me to literally vomit immediately no matter where I was. These are all normal symptoms for PTSD sufferers. You should tell your T about them for sure, but when they come, ground yourself in the moment that you are in, look at the room around you. Plant your feet firmly on the ground. Acknowledge the memory as such, (good job!!), and just allow your mind to explore the information that you are receiving because it is information that your mind feels you are ready to accept and deal with.

God knows that I am no expert on this. Please be sure to talk with your T and disregard any advice that I'm giving if they think it is not appropriate advice for you. I used to be terrified when these things used to happen to me. I just hate to think that you may be out there doing your best and yet feeling so afraid as you have described.

Nobody should have had to go through the things that you have gone through, my Dear. You deserve to feel safe and loved. Don't question your sanity...this will make better sense to you some day. Hang in there!!

 

[Nativia]

Also when in doubt about a diagnosis, buy a book on it and read it. If you are bi-polar much of what you read will sound like or feel like you. If it sounds like you are reading about somebody else, it likely isn't a valid diagnosis for you.

In the immortal words of "Winnie the Pooh," "Be brave little Piglet!!" (I'm a Pooh Bear fan....sorry!)

 

[eav]

I can totally sympathize about not knowing if what is happening is a flashback or not. I would vote yes, but I'm not an expert, and I suspect it can be a little different for everyone. Some of my flashbacks are like hallucinations--I was afraid I was developing schizophrenia at one point, but the therapist says no. Don't be reluctant to call your therapist and talk about it while it is fresh in your mind. (it is ironic that I'm saying that, I'm the one who will sit for hours debating whether to call!). Hugs!

 

[WillyKat]

Agree that you should talk it over with your therapist. In general, don't hold back anything from your therapist.

 

[bitterfight_]

Nativia,
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. It's sad there is an entire website for us all, but it makes me feel a lot more at ease (and hopefully the same for you too!). I'm glad you are fighting this, and (seem to be) doing very well! I'm very new to all of this. I always new something was wrong, and I knew what, but I didn't know why I was "focusing" on it. The other day I had my first really bad panic attack, followed by a major dissociative episode (particularly "derealization"??) and it was so terrifying. This isn't the first time I've had these auditory without visuals. I've had the auditory with visuals too. Sometimes just the visuals, but they're too quick to catch sometimes. I meet with my T in a week or so, and we have a LOT to discuss, so hopefully we can chat about it and see what to do now. I'm doing CPT, and it's horrible but apparently it's going to help (it probably is, but I just can't see it right now). I guess it's a good thing if they're happening then, if my mind is allowing me to hear/feel/see it. I wouldn't know. This is all so confusing. It's okay, you don't need to be an expert, whatever tidbit of advice I can get I just utilize the best I can. I've learned some amazing coping tips in the past 2 months or so. I start my meds on Friday, so hopefully this changes things a bit. It's so scary, but all of your advice that you guys give helps so much. As for the last part, thank you so much, and the same goes for you. I can't really explain my words, but basically: you shouldn't have had to go through the things you've gone through either. You deserve to feel safe and loved as well, and thank you again so much for the advice.

eav:
I would vote yes too. Everyone gives good advice here, so don't judge yourself on your knowledge. Every little bit helps, remember :). I met my T initially because I was having meltdowns (screaming+crying fits) and major panic attacks. I was afraid (as my mom had said time and time before) that I had BPD and/or Bipolar and/or Schizophrenia (neither of these are shameful to have btw to anyone reading this!). Like you, my T says no. My T is not big on calling and discussing however (thank god because I'm the type to sit for hours thinking about calling), so I'll talk about it this upcoming session with her. You're not the only one out there who questions whether or not to call. Thanks so much for the advice<3 *hugs*

WillyKat,
I definitely will. As I mentioned above, I see her in a week or so, so I will mention it then. There's hardly any holding back now that I (mostly) trust her. She's an amazing T, and I feel very safe with her (so far).

 

[Seasounds]

As I had a few flashbacks before leaving home, most of my flashbacks started in college. You're right, at first it is hard to tell what the weird experiences are, since you have no reference point, and since no one, experienced more than yourself, is in your mind and body.

My flashbacks have been visual, auditory, somatic-severe muscle tightening, nightmares, and the feeling of being numb/removed, from my environment.

It sounds like you are having flashbacks. Seek a good therapist, who listens and trusts your experiences.