Relationship Is This A Good Sign?

[Nelson2015]

I have posted a few times before about what I'm going through, but now I have a specific question. And I know everyone is different, but what do you think?

My fiancé left me with weeks ago, because he couldn't handle our relationship with his PTSD. He hid it from me for awhile, and it was too late to fix... right now.

When we first broke up he told me that for my sake we were never getting back together. His feelings for me were tucked away, and that was it. The first week we talked, but things were rough. We have been very civil though when it came to things that we shared... home, stuff.

Anyway, his tune is starting to change... He says we may have a future... in the future but not right now. He doesn't want to say we won't get back together bc now he just doest know... where as when we first broke up it was definite no. I told him don't feed me the BS bc I going help him get better either way. He says that really how he feels.

Now I know that it may not work out, but it is nice to know that his feeling on what might happen have changed.

I know it's common to be completely pushed out of each others lives during this type of ordeal. We talk daily... sometimes allll day. He has a problem with texting in the evening which irritates me, but whatever. Lol We send pictures and memes. We have hanged out, and he promises that we will in the future as well. We have even had sex... and he tells me when we aren't together at night anymore he thinks about us having sex.

Is this a good sign that he wants me in his life?

 

[Mallaky]

I guess he feels ashamed and destroyed; damaged, by having PTSD. I can be a very, very shameful thing at first, to be confronted with this. From what you wrote it seems he feels like he does not deserve you?

When I am down in the emotional gutter I often ask myself, if my partner would not life a happier life with a mentally healthy person. When I ask him this he says "No, silly."

 

[Nelson2015]

@Mallaky

He has told me before that he doesn't want to drag me through this with him. I basically said... Well I'm here and I'm going to make sure you are okay. I feel like part of his reasoning for leaving was that he was afraid of his anger. He never hurt me, but his anger scared him.

Do you think he just wants to live apart while he deals with this? Maybe he will want to work on things later? I know we can't see the future but the fact that he has pushed me completely gives me hope.

 

[Nelson2015]

Hasn't*

 

[Nelson2015]

But you make a very good point. He watched me cry and ask questions before he told me what was going on. I think gave me the space to protect me and work on himself.

 

[Mallaky]

Honestly, this thread gives me the feelings. :inlove:

It seems you two truly care for each other, and its sweet. My advice would be to give him some time. He needs to accept what has happened.
It is obvious from what you wrote that he cares for you, and you for him.

He needs to learn that he is not the person he used to be, but that the new him can still be loved. I mean, you said he hid his PTSD. Why do we hide things? Because we are ashamed.

Just be open and clear about your feelings and needs. Best of luck to you two!

 

[Nelson2015]

@Mallaky Thank you so much!!

I have been giving him space, not asking questions continuously, and learning how to be patient. It does seem to be working. He wants to know what I'm doing, when I'm working, and how I am. He opens up every now and then. I'm willing to give it time. He is seeing a therapist, a group, and he is living with a friend that has gone through he is going through.

There have been bumps... normal bumps from what I have read, but at the end of the day I just feel like he needs me and he wants me. He just can't right now.

Bless you

 

[Owl.]

Okay, you're probably gonna hate me for this now, but it has to be said.

What reason would he have to EVER commit to you again right now?
Why should be expose himself to the agony (and, let's be real here, d*mn real threat) that'll always be part of a relationship as soon as PTSD is involved (and even without)?

I don't see any reason for him to do that.

He's getting all the 'pro's without any of the 'con's. He's getting sex without commitment. You yourself are wondering whether he's sleeping with others - and since you're broken up, he just might be, because he'd have every right to.

Yes, he obviously still wants you in his life, yes, the original breakup might just have been PTSD-induced. No, going by what you wrote so far (and experience on both sides of that fence), I don't think any of this really is "a good sign". I know I wouldn't go back into a relationship if I could get everything I might want from a person without ever having a FIRM boundary set in my way.

The way I see it - and this is not meant to be an insult to him at all, although it certainly will sound like one - he's walking all over you and you're so very much in love you're simply letting it happen. What you are right now is a f*ckbuddy. A familiar, reliable, comfortable option.
What you are NOT is a reason for him to get working on his issues.

Therapy is agony. It's unbelievably hard and riddled with setbacks. It's one slap in the face after another until you even take the first step forward.
It's not something anyone will put themselves through without a mighty good reason, and when you can get everything you want by feeding another person a whole lot of "maybe"s the moment you feel they might be slipping from your grasp, when a simple "possibly" can get you everything you threw away right back without ANY real repercussions - and in a way that'll allow you to run without guilt the moment you feel like it, too, because you're not even together...what kind of lesson does that teach you?

Not one that'll lead you into a healthy relationship, that much is certain.

I could go on and on about what the "sufferer" half of me would do if I were in his shoes here, but I'm going to end this by allowing some airtime to the "supporter" part.

Don't do this to yourself. You're setting yourself up for failure, big time. There's a metric f*ckton of heartache headed your way in an out-of-control bullet train. Step out of its path before it hits you. Figure out your own boundaries here, try to see where the limits of what you're willing (or, more importantly: ABLE) to put up with are. If you get irritated by him not liking to text in the evenings already, then maybe you really should take a step back and focus on yourself for a while, as he has to focus on himself, because this ride will always come with much bigger problems than that.

Yes, he may just be right, there MIGHT be a future for you - but that'd require a lot of patience, strength, courage and WORK, from both of you.
If you want to help him at all, then allow him to improve by giving him a reason to do so.
Right now, you're simply throwing treats to the Beast, and if that continues, it's very, VERY likely that, sooner or later, it's simply gonna eat you both alive.

 

[Mallaky]

I disagree with @owl1982, but that is the problem with these kind of threads. In the end, we have so very little information that one has to go with the gut feeling. Otherwise one could only ever say "Sorry, not enough information to give meaningful input."

 

[Nelson2015]

@Mallaky Thank you. Looking back on our relationship I just know that I can't give up.