He says he trusts me, that he doesn't trust men. He's known buddies from the army that were able to break down good women and eventually get them to sleep with them. I say those women allowed that "door" to be open a crack. I've never been one to allow my mind to consider someone else when I'm married or in a relationship. It's just not who I am.
Before our relationship, I was part of a local swing dancing club that met at a bar. They were good people. And dancing is incredible therapy, by the way! He never asked me to stop going. I knew he was stressed about it, so I would always video my dancing and video the surroundings, and I would talk to him on the phone or text him during it, trying to help him feel comfortable. (He couldn't bring himself to go because he DETESTS the bars and, at the time he wasn't able to go to restaurants, etc. because he couldn't handle the crowds/noise, etc.) He never asked me to stop going, but would always find something in the videos that bothered him. I would think, "OK, so I'll change this one thing, and he'll be happy." But then he would find something else each time. So I eventually just quit. (I will say that My sister is a lesbian, and she asked me a couple days ago if he would allow me to go dancing with her at a gay bar. He said yes and that "There would be no one there that would take you away from me." I thought that was an interesting comment.)
He's like that with me, too. In the beginning I thought if I just change this one (or 10) things, he will be happy, but he keeps finding more things that he doesn't like. The problem is that (like the comment he made about me be controlling when I was just trying to pick up vines to get them out of his way) the things he doesn't like are not necessarily things that are "real." Meaning he takes things the wrong way.
I know all I've shared are the problems, so I'm sure you're wondering why I'm still with him. Well, there is another side to him. A side that thinks clearly. A side that wants me to spend time with my friends and family. A side that works hard to be a better man. AND he meets many of my needs. We love to talk and analyze life. We enjoy good movies (and analyzing them). We love to try new foods and explore new places. We enjoy traveling together. We are both good with money. We both like clean/organized houses. We both have high needs for touch. We hold hands/snuggle all the time. We both like a lot of contact during the day. We both are into self-improvement.
One of the things that keeps me on the edge of my seat is not knowing which side of him I'm dealing with. Is it the mature, thoughtful side? Or the irritated/jealous/controlling side?
One issue is that he has migraine headaches...roughly 5 days a week. sometimes longer. He also suffers from insomnia. Sometimes he doesn't sleep for days. Other times he will sleep a few hours a night. When he is well rested and has no headache, he is usually wonderful!
He is on meds for anxiety and blood pressure. He is trying every treatment he can find for the insomnia and migraines. He is in regular counseling.
He has changed a lot this past year. He started out as an angry, hateful man who absolutely detested people. Now he works hard to treat people with patience and respect (even when they mess up his order, etc.) This morning he said he needs to work on getting to know his neighbors. I thought that was good progress.
When we started dating, he would regularly yell/cuss at me and cut me off when I try to tell my side. He hasn't done any of that for many months. He is still hyper-critical, but says it calmly (without cussing), and will let me tell my side.
A few times last year, he broke up with me, abruptly. Told me not to text/call him. I would always go to his house to explain my side, and we always got back together. He hasn't broken up with me for several months, even though we had a big altercation recently.
I truly love him, and life without him would be excruciatingly painful. But I don't want to live with the constant misunderstandings and control.
