Is This All Therapy Is?

[angel2write]

Thanks for explanation of flooding. I haven't had that- but I have trouble feeling safe enough to cry at all. We were often abused FOR crying, and given extra punishments for crying WHILE BEING PUNISHED (which still makes no sense to me.) I have to feel really, really safe to cry. Sometimes when I'm having flashbacks, my husband will hold me and I can finally cry some of it out. It feels like the sobs are being yanked out of me with pliers. If I do start to cry in therapy, it's like this switch flips. The tears dry, I go numb, and I start smiling and talking about something else. It's freaky. "Alien woman receives emotional brain transplant during therapy." :rolleyes:

My sis is a tough cookie. She has really, really firm boundaries and doesn't let anyone past them. She rarely gets really angry because when she gets really mad, she cries. (See above for explanation of crying difficulties in our family :confused:.) I figure the best thing I can do with her is 1) to love her for who she is. Who ever gets enough unconditional love? Love softens hearts, heals wounds, releases tears, and eases pain. 2) Speak to her positively. I try to let her know what a beautiful, competent, attractive, wonderful person she is. And 3) Live my life in front of her as honestly as possible. I don't want to copy the way our family was, with all the bad feelings and bad stuff buried. She doesn't feel like she has issues, but maybe someday if the facade cracks, she'll feel comfortable coming to me to talk about it, because she's seen me live through it for years.

When she does get angry (mostly with mom and dad) I try to just be there present. To be a witness. To hear her feelings. Who does she have that she feels safe enough to show her feelings to? Just me and her roommate. Fortunately she doesn't throw things- I don't have much advice for you there, except make sure you DUCK!! :D Does she get angry WITH you, or just near you, if you know what I mean?

 

[Powder]

We were told to "cry quiet" or not at all, also. Therefore, it is very embarassing for me to cry, like you said, like something "bad" is happening, which makes it difficult to cry, even when I "need to." It feels trapped inside. There are few places or people with whom an adult feels it is okay to cry. With EF, it just happens, and all the above makes it uncomfortable, plus the loss of control.

Your sister is lucky to have you. Though I've tried to do all that you said for mine, she has a lot of angers toward me. It manifests as screaming, using the F word at me, and also physical attacking (in the past; once she pulled my hair to the floor of the car while I was driving her! We nearly got in a head on collision!) Her fuse is short. She has no "normal, adult anger." It goes from placid to homicidal, in two seconds, she "switches" into a whole different personality of total rage! I am afraid of her. In normal conversation, she will vent her anger as "irritation" regarding our mother, for her neglect and wierd/inconsistent/selfish belief systems. But she won't stop the Stockholm with my Dad. She has always sucked up to Dad, and rich, powerful people in general. She feels very powerless, so she exhibits really poor self-control, poor self-image, and has a need to hide in my Dad's shadow. She used to argue with him a lot in high school, probably needing attention so badly (as the middle child) than even negative attention was better than none. She was spanked less than me. But like your sister, I lamented that she "didn't learn" to take it correctly, and got it worse from age 2-8. She'd put her hands over her butt defensively, and they'd whip her hands until she moved them and then whip her more times for doing it, "for her own good" to "train her how to take a spanking." Of course, I had to hear the screaming. Same as you, that was torture to have to hear, even in another part of the home. I can't watch movies with torture. Sure, I feel like a wimp, but I was a small child and so were you. We had to witness extreme pain in even younger children we felt some responsibility for, so it hurt very much.

I have a lot of "protectivness" feelings for my sister; but I can't protect her from herself. She's gotten herself in to very dangerous and self-destructive patterns and situations in which she dated mafia, was gang raped by them for failure to repay a debt, has gone to bars in the bad part of Seattle alone and allowed strangers to put drugs in her drink only to follow her, wait for her to pass out on the road, and rape her, and that's just what I know about. This has made it harder for me to "be present" for her because I feel the need for a boundary to keep her at a safe distance from my kids. I want her to be part of the family and be loved, but I don't want her patterns to come close to my kids. I hope that makes sense. My protectiveness switched to my kids as my first priority, but I still feel it with her, although she's only 20 months younger than I am.

She removed me from her Facebook recently after I acused my Dad of the molestation and rape. She would rather not see her neices than have to look it in the eye about her version of "Dad." He was abusive to her, too, and it's hard to see such denial. But it's not mine, so I have to let it go now. I think he raped her, too, and she has severe Multiple Personalities: she even watches her face change in the mirror. Scary. But it seems like everyone else can see all this but her. :cry: She maintains that I was likely abducted and tortured by aliens, which is why I remember Dad doing it, because he is "not capable" of it.

Love hurts. But as long as I keep loving, that's what matters in the end. That is what makes me different than the parents we had. I will never treat any human being or animal the way they did.

Back to your thread:
Is the T is still working well for you? Have you noted any changes or have things started to move a little? Do you think that you need to get to the point in which you can cry when you "need to" even with someone other than your H? Are trust issues or other fears more the goal to work on?

I start a psychiatrist today (her PA) and am a bit nervous. My counselor says I don't really need it, or a lot of meds. While I agree, diagnostically, I'm 14 years past my sell by date. ;) So I'd like to hear her assessment for now.

XOXO Muse