Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
Hi all. I need some outside advice from someone who doesn't know me for what to do, and if I was in the wrong or right. I think I'm sort of in the wrong, but also so is the other person.
A few weeks ago, my roommate and I went out to a gay bar to go dancing and drinking. I was the DD so I had maybe 3-4 drinks over 4-5 hours (which I still realize is too much as a DD, ever since I met them I've been making stupid decisions like this and I'm stopping now I'm aware). My roommate was drinking all day (they have an alcohol problem but won't admit it), and drank maybe 6? Drinks.
A woman and I made out at some point in the night after dancing, and I went and talked to my roommate again and told her. She was like "hey, *I* want to kiss you!!!" over and over again. I told her no about 6-7 times, sometimes by saying she sorta had a bf, sometimes saying it would be weird as roommates, sometimes this. She would not let up for about 10 minutes as she followed me around the club. We finally went to the bathroom and a few people witnessed her coercing me in this way. I finally after ten times or so said ok you can peck me if you stop asking me. So I did, and she said she wanted a real kiss, and I was like no that was enough.
About ten minutes later we were sitting at the bar talking. She seemed totally fine, maybe a little tipsy, but kept hitting on me and trying to hold my hand. I'm not used to knowing when people are really drunk, but she's been getting sick when she drinks and she ended up getting sick and passing out at the bar. I had to get help from strangers to load her up in my car, and then alone had to get her into the apartment.
The next day she said she remembered some things (and me making out with someone, I think), and so I just assumed she remembered kissing me and didn't want to talk about it. I talked to my therapist later about how she kept pressuring me, just saying it wasn't a big deal and you know it's fine, and they said that was assault and very wrong. I didn't want to talk about it with my roommate because like, it was incredibly awkward to me and I thought well if she doesn't bring it up, then we can just move on and I can get to the end of the lease or whenever we both move states (her to CO me to CA). I feel bad I didn't say anything sooner but I've also started to have panic attacks when I'm out with her alone because I'm scared it'll happen again.
She went to visit CO and was just really embarrassed and having a bad time (it was the third time in 3 months she'd gotten sick from drinking) so I didn't say anything bc "you assaulted me" just seemed like it would be bad for her mental health (yeah, I am reading that back).
I finally brought it up two days ago, and at first she apologized and then she was like "well I didn't remember it so I couldn't have really consented." And I was like ok but you asked me like 7 times and pressured me so I finally did it. I didn't know she was black out, she was walking, talking and acting normally, even taking non blurry non shaky photos and videos of us. We talked about it, it seemed okay, we were supposed to go to an event that night.
We both do therapy, and suddenly she won't even talk to me. She ignores me. She doesn't tell me she's cancelling our plans and goes and sees her mom without telling me (her mom is an awful abuser, but they have a relationship). She doesn't talk to me the next day, either, and passive aggressively slams things loudly while cleaning. I finally text her this morning, asking her if she can please just tell me what's up and why she's ignoring me (she knows my abusive ex did this to me--KNOWS it's a trigger). And her response is "I really don't want to talk." I just said okay, I'll give you space, but could you tell me what the h*ll is wrong? No response. She unfollowed me and made me unfollow her on instagram, won't talk to me, let me follow her back??? and then said all of two words to me "talk to you later". when she left, she's been gone for days.
I understand being upset about not knowing something happened and she deserves time to process this, but she knows me well enough to know I wouldn't assault someone, so I wonder if she's embarrassed? But this behavior is just absolutely not okay to me. I also have a dog that she used to be nice to but now ignores and doesn't even look at because she's mad at me.
We had a fine relationship and friendship before this, although her drinking and drug use often became an issue. She doesn't have any other friends here and hasn't tried to make them, but has family here (I do too).
This is really long so thank you for reading, TLDR; think my roommate coerced assaulted me but she doesn't remember it and I waited to tell her, was this assault, and how do I deal with the silent treatment?
A few weeks ago, my roommate and I went out to a gay bar to go dancing and drinking. I was the DD so I had maybe 3-4 drinks over 4-5 hours (which I still realize is too much as a DD, ever since I met them I've been making stupid decisions like this and I'm stopping now I'm aware). My roommate was drinking all day (they have an alcohol problem but won't admit it), and drank maybe 6? Drinks.
A woman and I made out at some point in the night after dancing, and I went and talked to my roommate again and told her. She was like "hey, *I* want to kiss you!!!" over and over again. I told her no about 6-7 times, sometimes by saying she sorta had a bf, sometimes saying it would be weird as roommates, sometimes this. She would not let up for about 10 minutes as she followed me around the club. We finally went to the bathroom and a few people witnessed her coercing me in this way. I finally after ten times or so said ok you can peck me if you stop asking me. So I did, and she said she wanted a real kiss, and I was like no that was enough.
About ten minutes later we were sitting at the bar talking. She seemed totally fine, maybe a little tipsy, but kept hitting on me and trying to hold my hand. I'm not used to knowing when people are really drunk, but she's been getting sick when she drinks and she ended up getting sick and passing out at the bar. I had to get help from strangers to load her up in my car, and then alone had to get her into the apartment.
The next day she said she remembered some things (and me making out with someone, I think), and so I just assumed she remembered kissing me and didn't want to talk about it. I talked to my therapist later about how she kept pressuring me, just saying it wasn't a big deal and you know it's fine, and they said that was assault and very wrong. I didn't want to talk about it with my roommate because like, it was incredibly awkward to me and I thought well if she doesn't bring it up, then we can just move on and I can get to the end of the lease or whenever we both move states (her to CO me to CA). I feel bad I didn't say anything sooner but I've also started to have panic attacks when I'm out with her alone because I'm scared it'll happen again.
She went to visit CO and was just really embarrassed and having a bad time (it was the third time in 3 months she'd gotten sick from drinking) so I didn't say anything bc "you assaulted me" just seemed like it would be bad for her mental health (yeah, I am reading that back).
I finally brought it up two days ago, and at first she apologized and then she was like "well I didn't remember it so I couldn't have really consented." And I was like ok but you asked me like 7 times and pressured me so I finally did it. I didn't know she was black out, she was walking, talking and acting normally, even taking non blurry non shaky photos and videos of us. We talked about it, it seemed okay, we were supposed to go to an event that night.
We both do therapy, and suddenly she won't even talk to me. She ignores me. She doesn't tell me she's cancelling our plans and goes and sees her mom without telling me (her mom is an awful abuser, but they have a relationship). She doesn't talk to me the next day, either, and passive aggressively slams things loudly while cleaning. I finally text her this morning, asking her if she can please just tell me what's up and why she's ignoring me (she knows my abusive ex did this to me--KNOWS it's a trigger). And her response is "I really don't want to talk." I just said okay, I'll give you space, but could you tell me what the h*ll is wrong? No response. She unfollowed me and made me unfollow her on instagram, won't talk to me, let me follow her back??? and then said all of two words to me "talk to you later". when she left, she's been gone for days.
I understand being upset about not knowing something happened and she deserves time to process this, but she knows me well enough to know I wouldn't assault someone, so I wonder if she's embarrassed? But this behavior is just absolutely not okay to me. I also have a dog that she used to be nice to but now ignores and doesn't even look at because she's mad at me.
We had a fine relationship and friendship before this, although her drinking and drug use often became an issue. She doesn't have any other friends here and hasn't tried to make them, but has family here (I do too).
This is really long so thank you for reading, TLDR; think my roommate coerced assaulted me but she doesn't remember it and I waited to tell her, was this assault, and how do I deal with the silent treatment?