General Is This Common? Just Learning And Trying To Be Helpful But Seems Only To Backfire

[CylentD]

Is commen in PTSD for the sufferer to turn the words of the supporter around and use them as they were never intended? I when I say something she comes back with her view on what I say as complete opposite of what was meant. Always comes back as I am somehow trying to manipulate her on some way. What I am saying is not what I meant. Frustration is building. I am starting to lose hope, that this will surpass.

 

[Tiseye]

Playing devil's advocate... maybe you need to say it again...differently? What exactly is so hard for you to convey?

 

[Mtnativecohome]

Is commen in PTSD for the sufferer to turn the words of the supporter around and use them as they were never intended? I when I say something she comes back with her view on what I say as complete opposite of what was meant. Always comes back as I am somehow trying to manipulate her on some way. What I am saying is not what I meant. Frustration is building. I am starting to lose hope, that this will surpass.

My husband does this all the time! I barely say anything anymore, and he seems happy with that. :(

 

[Tifanee]

Your words are correct based on how you translate them in your brain, but they may not be translating the same for your partner. Neither one is right or wrong, just different. This is normal for any relationship, but for your partner it might become even more frustrating and emotional since it can be stressful.

Have you asked her during a non-conflict time how both of you can communicate better? Express how you need to hear things from her, and she can express how she needs to hear things from you. You are still saying the same thing, but just making it easier for her to process. For instance if you go into a story about how you went to the grocery store, and full details of what happened with the lady in the dairy section and the kids that were screaming....this might stress her out and her not hear your words completely. Instead you can just say you went to the store and bought milk and eggs. Not exactly how you would have communicated to her, but it is exactly how she needs to hear it.

Just a thought.

 

[Tifanee]

As a side note, my partner does the same thing except he also uses a response I had for a singular event to explain all my future responses for a similar event. If I was bored by the drive out of town, then I will obviously be bored every time and flat out don't want to make the trip again. So I explain I am a grown woman and can find something to entertain me for the next trip, so please stop assuming my response and being negative.

 

[Eleanor]

When my H does this, it is a neon signal that he is dissociating.

 

[SadDreamer]

I suffer with PTSD, and this happens constantly with my mother. She is very critical of me all the time, and after so many times of her criticizing or insulting me/ my choices/ my life, I automatically assume she is being critical of me when most people wouldn't see it that way. I get angry or start crying when she won't stop yelling at me or criticizing me. She calls me crazy, which pisses me off more because she shows no sign of compassion or willing to compromomise. I can not handle constant criticism, she knows this, but continues to do it anyway. After a while, the annoyance just turns to resentment. I expect her to understand that her snide opinions, remarks, and comments causes me extreme amounts of stress but she does it anyways. This shows me she does not truly care about making an effort to support me. It makes me extremely sad.

A solution: I ask her to talk to me with respect, and to keep her opinions about me doing things on time, screwing up school, etc to her-self. Negativity does NOT help motivate me or give me faith in myself. When my mother is constantly negative, I become extremely stressed out, I lose my focus, and sometimes It causes me to lose motivation. On the other hand, when she is kind, supportive, and loving to me. Offering her help, but not criticizing me or voicing her unwanted "opinion," we have less fights, and I do better in school & life.

The problem is, she doesn't stop telling me what I am doing wrong, and I tell her every day to stop it and leave me alone, that she is making my life 100x harder by being negative, but according to her, I am "crazy" which apparently means my feelings dont matter. She can't seem to get it through her head, that I CANT live like this. She is the reason for the majority of my stress and panic attacks because she won't stop. It's come to the point where I don't like being around her at all it is so bad. It is so devastating to me that she can't see the pain she is causing me. But she says the same things as you did, that I am "turning her words around" and "overreacting." I am not, she just can't respect my boundaries or sensitivities, which makes me resent her.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think Tifanee has hit on something that resonates with me, 'words' can so often (even almost instantaneously) lead to 'thoughts' or 'feelings' that lead me down some other road of thoughts, always negative. But it is not an automatic negative spin (as in intentionally looking for something 'wrong' or negative), it coincides more with feelings of fear, self-doubt etc, trauma related (but they are always negative).
Yikes, does that make sense?

Perhaps that fits in somewhere with what Eleanor has said, never thought of that. :confused:

But like SadDreamer said, I've never found negativity to be a motivator or increase faith in my myself, whether it's self-generated or another's opinion. Thank you but for the most part it's shot or very difficult already! :(

 

[Ice_Fire]

I think Tifanee has hit on something that resonates with me, 'words' can so often (even almost instantaneously) lead to 'thoughts' or 'feelings' that lead me down some other road of thoughts, always negative. But it is not an automatic negative spin (as in intentionally looking for something 'wrong' or negative), it coincides more with feelings of fear, self-doubt etc, trauma related (but they are always negative).
Yikes, does that make sense?

That makes perfect sense to me, as it is how I often react. There are 'words' and/or phrases that instantly make me feel panicky, scared and inadequate or worthless, so I react negatively, even if what's being said isn't intentionally offensive.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Ice_Fire, exactly. They can even be 'positive' words but they get misinterpreted. And that's not even the best way to describe it- you have described it better- "panicky, scared, inadequate, worthless", I'd add burdensome, etc.

 

[Eleanor]

Ok, so if a person is being a jerk and is not dissociating, it is a different problem. With my H, I wait for it to pass and disengage. He is replaying his mother/ex-wife/father. So it really is not him. Even when he is not "out" if he is stressed, it is not a good bet that there is going to be constructive conversation about anything even mildly stressful. A lot of sufferers struggle with paranoia, and this could be one way it manifests.

If the negativity IS the person's actual M.O. that is a different problem - about how to handle the relationship, and where to draw your own boundaries to protect yourself.

I think there is actually a robust body of experimental data that demonstrates that criticism is not motivating - so in this we are all Perfectly Normal.:)

 

[Pale Warrior]

With my husband I realised I was bumping into his iceberg. On the surface he was all ok but the negativity, foreshortened future, panic, worthlessness was in control, just under the water.

My words, even the good ones, were feeding the toad.