Relationship Is This Normal Behaviour - I Am So Confused.

[Poledancer2007]

My (ex) partner and I have been together for 17yrs this year. He has PTSD (although from what I have no idea). We have been here before and it does feel like de ja vu: this time it has come out of nowhere.

He has cheated on me before, prior to being diagnosed. He said it was like a light switch in his head telling him we were not a couple (although his heart said otherwise). I have recently learned that I have struggled with this and I am getting counselling for this along with other issues.

Recently he started with the secretive behaviour again - I firmly believe that there is nothing going on in that sense, but I have noticed that he is gaining new friends all the time and leaving his old ones behind. He is no longer talking to his Mum, Dad or Sister and has now started on me.

"You will be better without me", " you would have a better life, you would have gone further if it was not for me". Before he decided to have some time away he said that this was very hard for him, that he did love me but needed some space. Angry I said that he had a month and then I was moving on - he took that moving out. Now - after pushing (which I know I should not have done) he says he does not love me "if you want it is black and white". He has turned cold and will not come any where near me. He is sleeping on the sofa "because it is better for you". We have been unhappy for years but most of all he beats himself up every day about cheating on me.

I have been discussing this with my friend who also suffers depression and she has said that he is pushing me away; that he has guilt over what he has done. This is behaviour that is similar to her as well - she said she does not know what has happened until she snaps at her girls.

He has also had a violent childhood which I believe has contributed to the situation. We were getting one; although he had a major blow up the week before when I stupidly said "if you want me to go then I will".

He won't comment about his emotions as "that stresses him out and he needs to clear his head". When ever I pick up on an emotional comment he flies off the handle and goes back to we've had this discussion on Monday; already said you'd be better off without me. I made the choice to stay through everything we have been through - supported him so why is he finding new people and replacing those closest to him?

Common sense says that his is not his normal behaviour (and it is not) that he is pushing me away as none of the comments were to say that he does not want to be with me anymore. I really had to push to get that out of him. All his focus is that I would be better without him; and I need to move on.

Please help me sort my brains out.

 

[Firefly44]

Is he going to therapy? I certainly believe people can do the work of unraveling their PTSD on their own. However, all of us need help starting out and when we're stuck. If nothing else, therapy is a signal (to him and to you) that he's committed to helping himself.

 

[Poledancer2007]

No he is not. He says that there is nothing wrong with him; that this decision is "not his PTSD and is not a blip". I suggested couple counselling but "to little to late, and I asked for that last year and you said no". I have issues I need to deal with (his cheating) and only now do I feel ready to deal with this but apparently I am only doing it because I have to do something because he is getting rid of me. I am going for counselling from Monday and feel more positive about that: this is not him.

 

[nursenurse]

Seventeen years????? Best by date was about 16 years ago. Counselling for you is a great start. He refuses help, that is his problem. You need to move on and decide why on earth you would put up with such behaviour for so long. Love isn't everything, but it is blind at times. Good luck, you deserve to be happy and not always focusing on and second guessing someone else.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If he won't get help them you need to ask yourself if you can live with this behavior for the rest of your life as it's not going to change. Love isn't enough. If he won't get help, there's nothing you can do but move on and save yourself.

 

[Firefly44]

Poledancer, the responses may sound harsh but at their core, I agree with what nursenurse and Solara are saying.

A lot of what will happens will depend on him. I had to get to a very very dark and painful place before I stopped denying that I had problems and needed therapy. To get there I had to push away someone I loved very dearly, I had to believe that I was not worthy of love and happiness, and I had to realize that if I continued down the path that I was racing on I would truly hate myself.

It doesn't sound like he has gotten to that breaking point yet. Until he gets to that point, there will be a huge disconnect between the pain he feels and reality. To bridge that gap, his mind is going to come up with any number of rationalizations: you're better off without him, you won't be able to forgive him for the cheating, you don't love him, he doesn't love you, he is a bad person.

He is going to need to hit this low point in order to turn the tide. You're not going to want to see him hit this low point and will do anything to try to not let it happen. I'm not going to tell you to let it happen because you love him and that means you want to protect him. It's a truly sad situation.

What you can do is mentally prepare yourself for this. Believe in your love. Believe in the larger vision of him that you can see-- not just the PTSD but also the things that made you fall in love in the first place. But also realize that it is highly likely that in order for him to heal, he will need to push you away completely. So that there are no expectations from either of you.

Take care of yourself because all of this will be stressful and if you are tired / stressed / angry / hopeless, it'll be even harder. It's great that you've taken the step yourself to go to therapy.

 

[Poledancer2007]

Thanks Firefly44. We are the stage of "don't love you" etc. I stayed away last night, and I have decided that I am staying away tonight as well. He was only diagnosed in 2007 and that was when he cheated on me. That was when he got the therapy he initially needed and his PTSD was diagnosed. Since then we have had our ups and down, but I suppose I missed the warning signs last year. He stopped speaking to his Mum in Oct, his Sister in Nov, his Dad Mar this year and now me. Typical behaviour I know (being doing lots of research).

I have also been talking to people with depression (both close friends) and they have both told me the same things you have. He will push me away first because he is not worthy of me. He closes off his emotions (but does let them slip through - "it might be to late for us", "I am stressed and I need to clear my head", "I did not miss you, I did not think about you" and "if you want it in black and white then no, I don't love you".

I found the emails from 7 years ago when we was cheating and it brought back all the memories, pain and sickness that I felt when the hammer hit. I have held onto this for 7 years so I need to let that go. I am going to take them to the counsellor and discuss this.

He has pushed me away completely. Wants me to leave and find somewhere new so I am giving him some time to himself. It took some pushing (which I now know I should not have done) to get him to say he did not want to be with me nor did he love me: this time the pain in his eyes was back. The cold callous unreasonable person was gone. He is still in there and I firmly believe he will come back.

In the meantime I need to like myself again; and get rid of the guilt and pain that I feel for the things that I have done such as push the past back in his face, keep that hold over him for all these years.

 

[Poledancer2007]

Forgot to mention earlier that he is looking at buying the car off me and giving me back the money he owes me. Never asked for it back, never pestered so when he discussed it I was in the verge of a panic attack. So I walked away instead of getting involved in a discussion.

He did mention about me getting support , pointed out I've supported him since the start but not the other way around. Pointed out I didn't think it was fairly what he was doing to me with "i don't want to have that conversation". Maybe should not have done that. More ammunition I suppose but thing from today is I have to tell him how I feel to be able to deal with.

Not gone back yet. Another night away.

 

[LostOne83]

Poledancer2007 I have been dealing with a similar thing with my boyfriend. We have been together for 6 years and I noticed about a year and a half ago he was just different. Not affectionate like he used to be, barely said I love you when he used to tell me every day, wouldn't say goodnight and give me a kiss like he used to every night and just all around distant. I thought it was me and he didn't want to be with me anymore. We'd have good times and things were great and we had bad times. It all started getting worse in the past few months and he decided not to come home one night and I blew up on him, accusing him of cheating and told him I was going to leave.

We sat down one night to talk things out and he broke down and admitted to me that he needed help for what he thought was PTSD. He said he didn't do these things on purpose something in his head just told him to and he couldn't tell the difference between right and wrong. He went to the VA(he is a combat veteran) and filled out an evaluation and it came back that he has PTSD. We decided to take a break from each other for a little bit, I moved back with my parents, to give each other space and for him to clear his head. It was the hardest thing I've had to do but I know it is for the best so that he doesn't end up pushing me away completely.

The biggest thing that is making me know that he loves and cares for me is that he is agreeing to go for help. He has his first appointments the end of May. I hate to say it but if your partner doesn't agree to go get help, I find it hard that things are going to change in the relationship and he's going to change. I know some people can overcome this behavior by themselves, but it is a monster. My boyfriend told me he was trying to fight it himself for a while now and that it was winning and he couldn't let that happen and couldn't let it take over him like it was starting to.

I am going to be going for support myself because I came into a depression thinking that it was me and that I wasn't good enough for him or there was something wrong with me, so we are both working on ourselves so that we can build our relationship up again. It is great that you are getting the help and support that you need but there are two people in a relationship and both need to do the work to make it work in the end.

Hopefully you will be able to get him to go for the help that he needs and you guys can work on building up your relationship again. Good luck!!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just my opinion, toss it if you like. But get away from him as far and as fast as you can. You are a good human being that deserves so much good in your life and you are getting heartache and anguish from him now.

Until he hits rock bottom he will never change.

Best wishes to you on this problem.

 

[Poledancer2007]

I am thinking of moving out over the next few days as he wants.

But how do I know when he has hit rock bottom? He has tried chucking me out already which has prompted me to get some space.
Other then telling me what he doesn't love me, doesn't miss me, and wants me out by end of May - what is the rock bottom?

This is harsh but I own everything in the house and I'm going to take it all. Leave him with nothing. I can't see any other way to deal other wise.

 

[Poledancer2007]

Poledancer2007 I have been dealing with a similar thing with my boyfriend. We have been together for 6 years and I noticed about a year and a half ago he was just different. Not affectionate like he used to be, barely said I love you when he used to tell me every day, wouldn't say goodnight and give me a kiss like he used to every night and just all around distant. I thought it was me and he didn't want to be with me anymore. We'd have good times and things were great and we had bad times. It all started getting worse in the past few months and he decided not to come home one night and I blew up on him, accusing him of cheating and told him I was going to leave.

Poledancer, the responses may sound harsh but at their core, I agree with what nursenurse and Solara are saying.

A lot of what will happens will depend on him. I had to get to a very very dark and painful place before I stopped denying that I had problems and needed therapy. To get there I had to push away someone I loved very dearly, I had to believe that I was not worthy of love and happiness, and I had to realize that if I continued down the path that I was racing on I would truly hate myself.

Can I ask, did you latch onto another PTSD sufferer for support? He has shut his old friends out, and is concentrating on his "new" friends now. Heart breaking to see him talking and texting someone else all day.