Is This Progress Or Thoughtlessness? Need Feedback!

[Tinyflame]

I have found the most amazing thing has happened: out of the blue (and I have no idea why) I have had a 'disappearance' of intrusive thoughts- 90%+ of past 'memories' and almost 99% of self-blame/ guilt/ shame etc. As I said, I have no idea why, and it doesn't seem to be a cognitive 'choice'- it's like they're just not there. Nothing seems to have 'replaced' them- just an absence.

Unbelievable as this feels to experience- and for the most part I can't recall more than a day within the last 2+ years where I have experienced this, I am however at a bit of a loss. (You'd think it should be all-good, right? Yikes-ugh)

My problem is, I had just decided it would be 'progress' for me- and the right thing to do- to just live my life/ make all decisions without concerning myself as to what anyone else would think of those decisions, or think of me (if they were healthy decisions and good to do). However, I am wondering now, if that is sort-of thoughtless, to the extent that my decisions might make things uncomfortable or harder on others, and I'm just not realizing/ acknowledging it? Because I must admit after feeling like such a burden (myself), or intruding on others, I have to wonder if that is all still so but I am just (conveniently) failing to recognize that?

If anyone has any feedback please help! I have had this since at least 14 and I don't know what parts of my thinking are 'ptsd'-affected (all or most of them?), what are common (to all people), or what are just 'facts'/ true. On top of that, I am a horrible over-thinker, and though I worry too much I will intrude on others there is also the other extreme of not acknowledging or doing what would make it easier for others (which I am happy to choose)-technical term is 'being clueless'/ out-of-touch with 'how the world works'.OMG, does this even make sense? Yikes.

If anyone can make sense of this Thank You in advance, sorry it's so long.

P.S- I managed the ptsd well eventually, though I drown myself in work, etc. It got 'triggered' and came back (with a vengeance 2 1/2 years ago); I have been managing much better (no suicidal thoughts etc- though I don't know 'why', either) for 11 weeks. I've lived and dealt with this for 28 years. I have no one to 'bounce this off of'.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If anyone has any feedback please help! ...I am a horrible over-thinker, and though I worry too much I will intrude on others

Junebug, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Maybe we could start an 'over-thinkers anonymous' club! I'm the worst kinda one...always assuming there's some detail I need to uncover.

I don't know if it's progress or not, but my sense for me is...a lot of my symptoms are like a bad toothache. You get so used to it that you don't even notice it until it's gone...which, by its absence, usually means progress for me. I just am so suspicious that something will *come back* LOL.

I am amazed at the triggers that have disappeared. I do try to remember to thank my T. for the things that are getting better...he deserves to share in my progress since he's working on my behalf to help me get there.

Thanks so much for sharing your journey...I can totally relate to your experience even though I have no answers. Nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way...and I hate hate hate telling people this stuff in real life. Here, I have the idea that I'm typing and really, nobody is reading it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya, thanks BloomInWinter, think it's probably denial on my part, or who knows? Thank you anyway.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Junebug,

I have been thinking about your post and can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. Remember that any thing I write is just my own opinion/experience and sometimes I even question myself for doing this.

My problem is, I had just decided it would be 'progress' for me- and the right thing to do- to just live my life/ make all decisions without concerning myself as to what anyone else would think of those decisions, or think of me (if they were healthy decisions and good to do). However, I am wondering now, if that is sort-of thoughtless, to the extent that my decisions might make things uncomfortable or harder on others, and I'm just not realizing/ acknowledging it? Because I must admit after feeling like such a burden (myself), or intruding on others, I have to wonder if that is all still so but I am just (conveniently) failing to recognize that?

Junebug, I came to the same conclusion lately, to just be myself and live my life based on "who" I am at this point. It was just accepting the impact that PTSD is having on my life, but not defining myself based on "its" terms. Yes, making healthy decisions is important, not just for ourselves, but for our families. Being healthier is better for our relationships, and some people my be uncomfortable or find the decisions harder in the beginning, but I think the long-term benefits outweigh any short-term inconveniences. If someone is truly bothered, is it because it is directly impacting them in a negative way, or is it a negative relationship?

I have been managing much better (no suicidal thoughts etc- though I don't know 'why', either) for 11 weeks. I've lived and dealt with this for 28 years. I have no one to 'bounce this off of'[./QUOTE]

Junebug, living with this for so long and then having it come back 2 1/2 years ago is scary. I think when I start to make progress and feel better, I instinctively wait for the other shoe to drop. The questions of: Is this progress? How long will this last? When am I going to spiral down again? It seems that I question everything and doubt everything. Yes, that is PTSD thinking, but living just for today is a way that I am learning to manage those types of thoughts. Focusing on the present and not the "what ifs" of tomorrow. Some days I am more successful than others.:D

If anyone has any feedback please help! I have had this since at least 14 and I don't know what parts of my thinking are 'ptsd'-affected (all or most of them?), what are common (to all people), or what are just 'facts'/ true.

I think most of our feelings are common to all people, it is just they are "over exaggerated" with PTSD. I too have a tendency to "over think", but sometimes I have to in order to get my bearings. However, I noticed that each time I really analyze something, I tend to do it less and less with the same thought/emotion/response/event.

It is wonderful that you are making progress.

(((hugs)))
Deb

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Deb,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful answer. I agree now that I 'see it' (and 'hear' it) framed through your eyes: ultimately it is better for everyone to make your own true and healthy decisions. And no, they mine, thus far) don't actually impact on others directly in a negative way, come to think of it. And they may not be received well by everyone, or understood- I've heard that before once but totally forgot that part!

And yes, I think that somewhere I don't really want to have to acknowledge how ptsd affects my life- I was going to say 'limits' but it's more like 'things take longer'. It is very hard for me to define myself, but yes I so agree- I don't know how to 'be' anyone but who I 'am' at this point, either.

And thank you, -yes actually it's terrifying! Only realized it when you wrote it. I knew I was scared of 'something'- but what could it be? It became so intrusive and life-threatening out of virtually seemingly no-where that it really knocked me for a loop. I mean, I had avoided a lot but I wouldn't say that I was hampered that much, for many many years, until 2008. By the time I realized how far down I had sunk, (and realized quite by chance circumstances more than intellectually), well then I couldn't find a way out of the hole.

I guess I also feel somewhere ridiculous, positively ridiculous- like it's wasting time and 'crazy'- to think of these things or journalling or whatever- was never my 'thing' at the best of times. But maybe that is progress for us too?

Thank you for your kindness Deb, I wish you strength and courage as well (and good-old-fashioned + + happiness;))

(((Hugs))) back to you

P.S- Your comment about we are the same as regards these feelings (but more over-exagerated) made me laugh- we are 'concentrated-versions'. So if nothing else though we are "environmentally-friendly", lol :rolleyes: Yikes :)

 

[Jestadud]

Just maybe this is what everyone has, you assess the situation and make a decision. It is exactly the same as what you were doing before but now you are not getting caught in a loop so can make a decision quicker.

 

[Jestadud]

Also why would you want to "be anyone other than who you are at this point".We all lose out if you become someone different.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw jesta, you are so sweet. Thanks.

I never thought of the first (your post), perhaps it is a lack of confidence in either my decisions or perceptions?

 

[Lightseeker]

I'm new to this forum, but have a suggestion to make. It is something I did, and it has strengthened and empowered me more than I thought possible. Choose a new name. Give it some thought and make it mean something to you. I took the "He and Hel" out of my name literally (JoAnn Helen became Jolen.) I chose Loriél which is Elvish from the works of J.R.R. Tolkein and means Dream Maiden. My last name came from the original Star Trek and is Uhura. It is also Swahili for Freedom.