Is this PTSD brain or am I ok to have feelings about this?

[PDH]

So, I’m struggling tonight with all these emotions that I don’t even know where to begin explaining. I guess a mix of anger, sadness, frustration and confusion.

My partner and her ex have been quite amicable, despite her ex cheating on her with a mate. They catch up, they talk, text and I’ve respected the fact they want to remain friends.

The last week or so, it’s been getting under my skin. My other half has been having a really rough time, and has been struggling with a few things lately, so understandably she’s been a bit shut down...but when her ex calls there is this kind of spark in her voice that I haven’t been able to hear when she’s with me. Now tomorrow she, her ex and one of their friends are all going out together and I feel really weird about it.

This week is a bit of a triggering week for me, so I don’t know if I’m just being over sensitive and stupid, or if it’s actually ok for me to feel something about this.

Anyone have any words of wisdom?

 

[somerandomguy]

I think most partners, with or without PTSD, would find that problematic. I'm not a jealous person but I would personally take issue with that.

"I hear a spark in your voice when you talk to your ex that I don't hear when you talk to me. What's going on there?" seems like the way I'd approach it. Your partner is obviously not going to admit to anything but at least they'll be aware that YOU'RE aware.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @PDH -

First up - how long have you been in this relationship?

a mix of anger, sadness, frustration and confusion.

^^That's quite a mix of emotions there. :( Sorry you are feeling this way.

I’ve respected the fact they want to remain friends.

^^ Is this what you want though? I mean you can respect it and all that but is it what you want? What are you comfortable with on a good day with your partner? Have you had that discussion when you are not feeling out of sorts like now?

she’s been a bit shut down...but when her ex calls there is this kind of spark in her voice that I haven’t been able to hear when she’s with me. Now tomorrow she, her ex and one of their friends are all going out together and I feel really weird about it.

^^Are you invited to accompany them all? If not - why not? Do you want to go? Maybe you could invite yourself and see how that goes. It could either put your mind at rest or put the cat amongst the mice. Do you want to see how they interact in person?

it’s actually ok for me to feel something about this.

^^For me - this person being your current partners ex - yeah I think I would feel just about the same. It's hard enough when there is some other compelling reason that keep ex's seeing each other eg children. But if there is absolutely no real reason other than attraction and friendship I would be wanting to know more.

Can you trust your partner? Why is she shutting down from you after a hard week and able to open up to her ex? There might be a good reason for all of this. It would be sensible to find out I reckon.

I'd suggest you put the any jealousy issue's aside until you have further information about her ongoing friendship.

Remember you are in the relationship too and she could consider your feelings about ex partners. Or have you had the discussion and now you are feeling less comfortable? It's ok to feel this way but don't let it fester. It needs to be resolved. What that does to your relationship is another matter entirely. :hug:

 

[scout86]

Now tomorrow she, her ex and one of their friends are all going out together

Were you invited to go along?

 

[PDH]

Thanks @somerandomguy
Yep, I tried this yesterday, but I think it may have come off a bit argumentative.
After she got off the phone to her ex I said “that’s the most I’ve heard you talk and laugh all day” and then went on to explain about the spark I hear in her voice etc.

I also said that it made me feel sad because I haven’t been able to give her that same spark of late.

And she pointed out that they were my feelings, and that I’d been a bit catty in how I’d said it....maybe I was....ugh....I don’t know ?

That convo just kind of ended there then.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, this isn’t a ptsd thing.

I don’t stay friends with ex’s nor will I date people who are friends with ex’s as it invites unnecessary drama into a relationship.

The relationship ended for a reason.

There is a high probability of one party or the other wanting to be more than just friends (oftentimes subconsciously).

People who are looking forward, for a new life partner have no problem letting go of ex’s as continuing this contact sends a clear message to future partners.

(Ignore blogs and magazines that insist it’s a good thing that your partner be friends with ex’s, or that it’s a red flag when they aren’t.)

 

[blackemerald1]

And she pointed out that they were my feelings, and that I’d been a bit catty in how I’d said it....maybe I was....ugh....I don’t know ?

^^^ And that is a classic way of ending a conversation about an issue that she either does not want to address - at all ever - or feels too guilty about discussing.

That doesn't mean the discussion should not take place and yes! Your feelings are important! Maybe you were being 'catty' however that doesn't invalidate the issue which you were trying to raise.

Try again or invite yourself or both. Have the conversation with BOTH of them? :sneaky: Be brave! Now that might bring things into perspective for all of you.

 

[PDH]

First up - how long have you been in this relationship

About 9 months or so.

Is this what you want though?

Honestly...it’s not. But also who am I to dictate who another person associates with. So I kind of live with it.
We have discussed it, and I’ve brought up insecurities I’ve had about it in the past, but at the end of the day, they want to maintain a friendship, so i feel like I have to respect that and work through my shit to feel comfortable with it.

I wasn’t invited tomorrow, but I have my T appointment so don’t really have the option to go.

I do trust her, but with the dynamic of things tomorrow, it’s almost like the two of them catching up with a friend like they would have done when they were together....and I think perhaps that’s what gets me....and her being shut down of late, but seemingly being able to get some type of happiness from convos with her ex just makes me feel inadequate.

Sorry if I’m not making much sense...I’m exhausted and probably not explaining my thoughts very well.

 

[blackemerald1]

Honestly...it’s not. But also who am I to dictate who another person associates with. So I kind of live with it.

Ok, point taken - you don't get to be a 'dictator' but you are in a relationship and therefore honesty is critical. If your honesty is that you are not comfortable with her having her ex as a friend I think it it time to tell her.

I don't see you becoming more comfortable with her ongoing relationship - do you? If you do then no problem. If not then it needs to be discussed. And...don't even entertain the idea that this is somehow your ptsd brain skewing your view of relationships. It is not. It's a choice for both of you.

I’ve brought up insecurities I’ve had about it in the past, but at the end of the day, they want to maintain a friendship, so i feel like I have to respect that and work through my shit to feel comfortable with it.

Well I admire your desire to see your partner and her ex happy and maintain their friendship... even at the cost of your own happiness.

If you have no intention of telling her it's not appropriate (even if entirely for your sense of security) ask her if you can come along and 'get to know' her ex a little more etc., so you are at least afforded the possibility of seeing this completely platonic relationship in action for yourself. Clearly tomorrow is not realistic because of your therapy appointment but possibly make it a point of organising something on another day with them both?

I'm hoping this isn't one of those 'exclusive' relationships that your partner wants to keep.

I wasn’t invited tomorrow, but

It seems to me you could have been invited but nobody thought to ask. That is the problem. If everything is completely ok maybe it might have occurred to either your partner or her ex that you might like to be included in the socialising.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'd be really upset about that.

I actually had a similar situation happen with an ex. It really bothered me and he told me over and over that it was "my problem" because of the PTSD. I tried to live with it. But he ended up cheating on me and our relationship ended, anyways. All my friends, those who know about the PTSD and those who don't, told me that he was the unreasonable one, that I should have never put up with it.

I'm not in your shoes and only you know what is happening in the relationship. For me, though, it should have been a huge red flag that my ex wasn't 100% in the relationship with me.

 

[shimmerz]

And she pointed out that they were my feelings, and that I’d been a bit catty in how I’d said it

Yes, but they were your feelings based on an observable cue. It is your right, because you are in this relationship with her, to be heard and responded to with thoughtfulness and compassion - not to be dismissed on it.

With that kind of behaviour from her when you express your issues with how this is happening - I would say that would be adding to it.

And what the hell? They just happened to make this date with the ex and friend and your gf during a time that you are in therapy? Sorry, I wouldn't stand for that.

The thing is, if there is nothing to hide then there should be full inclusion happening here.

Nope. Not a PTSD thing - although it sounds like she is trying to pass it off as such. This whole thing is rude - whether something is going on or not - the way you are being excluded is not sustainable in any relationship.

 

[EveHarrington]

For me, though, it should have been a huge red flag that my ex wasn't 100% in the relationship with me.

Bingo.

If you hang on to your past, you can’t be 100% in the present.

It’s not about trying to tell someone who they can and cannot be friends with.

It’s about saying hey, that past relationship is a threat to our current relationship and if you can’t see that for what it is, then maybe I should move on.

I mean you’re allowed to say that a partner cannot be intimately involved with someone else. How is this any different? One could go so far as to argue that the no other sexual partners thing is a matter of control, too......so really, where do you draw the line?