Is this PTSD brain or am I ok to have feelings about this?

[shimmerz]

so really, where do you draw the line?

When it bothers the un-involved partner and that person's feelings about it all are dismissed.

I mean, if someone can't ditch an ex when it is obviously really upsetting the current partner, well - they should go back to the ex because clearly their loyalties lie with them. I expect to be made a priority over an ex any day. I don't think that is unreasonable.

 

[scout86]

I want to start by saying I agree with what you said about not having the right to tell people who they can hang out with.

I think you should have been included in the outing. If I were her, I'd want my SO to get to know my friends & vice versa. If the relationship is going to last, it would be nice if they enjoyed each other's company. (Besides, I value my friends' opinions.)

I'm actually still friends with someone I used to go out with. He's happily married to someone else. We touch bases from time to time & try to have lunch, when I'm in town ironically, me having male friends was an issue, when we were going out. He SAID he trusted me, but I always got the third degree if I wasn't home when he thought i should be. I value loyalty. As far as I was concerned, my friends were my friends before he came into my life & I sure wasn't going to dump them because I was involved in a new relationship. The same would apply to him, now. We're friends, end of discussion. If that's a problem, good to know.

Obviously there are different ways to look at this. I can see where differences could be deal breakers. Probably best to be honest about it up front and move on I'd things can't be worked out.

 

[PDH]

I have been out with the two of them on previous occasions, and there is always this comfortable familiarity between them.

Each time I see it, it does bring up feelings of inadequacy for me because we don’t have that yet - but i try to calm that thought by reminding myself they were together for 10 years, we’ve only been together for 9 months so its still growing - but I think maybe more and more I’m questioning how do WE grow that, when there is still so much of it left with her ex?

Ugh, I really need to address this.

 

[Justmehere]

You are being reasonable in what you think, feel, and need in a relationship. I’m friends with exes of my own, but when I’m dating someone, any time I spend with an ex, is with my current partner involved too, and with my current partner as my focus. It avoids a lot of confusion and pain for all. That’s me. That’s not for everyone.

The bottom line is this:

She wants to maintain a friendship type of relationship with her ex. She might think you are ok with it? Or that you were ok with it.

You are not ok with that. That’s ok to not be ok with it.

Getting caught up in tone of voice probably not going to get anywhere. Focusing on your feelings about more definable behaviors about what you find to be painful might get you further. This is indeed about how you feel, and that’s ok. Really ok.

Try telling her about how you feel using “when you do... I feel... “ and then request what you need. Ex: When she goes out with her ex and had long calls with her ex, you feel crappy and undervalued and you need xyz to make this relationship between you grow.

Make it clear if this is a deal breaker or not for you.

If what you need is to be included on the outings with the ex, that seems reasonable. If you need the long talks to stop, also reasonable. If you need her to spend more time having fun with you, also reasonable.

At the end of the day, she will make her own choice about what she’s willing to do to make the relationship with you work for both of you.

The hard reality is that she may be totally unwilling to do any of those things. Then it will be up to you to either accept her decisions and stay, or choose to move on. Wouldn’t it be better to know that now than later, after more months or years tolerating what feels terrible to you?

 

[Sideways]

I think I’m reading this situation differently from other replies, so just disregard this is if it’s not on point...

Your feelings are valid. They are always valid. You feel what you feel and that’s entirely ok. But what to do about it? Confrontation is one way...

But to me? What I’m hearing all sounds pretty normal. The ex has been an important feature of her life for 10 years, and you’d like to have the spark that they seem to have. Sounds pretty normal to me.

But confrontation isn’t the only way to handle it. For me? I’m thinking that you don’t want what they have 100% because you’re her actual partner. Not the ex. And your relationship isn’t 10 years old yet, but maybe this is a good indicator that it’s time to invest a bit more? Instead of taking issue with who her friends are, take up more of her time. Talk more, go out more, throw in the romantic gesture more, give her a tonne of reasons to have a spark in her voice when she speaks to you. And not the same spark she has with her ex - create your own relationship, with its own spark. Instead of conflict, perhaps this is an opportunity for you to invest more in this person who you clearly want to be a bigger part of your life...??

 

[Friday]

For me? I’m thinking that you don’t want what they have 100% because you’re her actual partner. Not the ex. And your relationship isn’t 10 years old yet, but maybe this is a good indicator that it’s time to invest a bit more? Instead of taking issue with who her friends are, take up more of her time. Talk more, go out more, throw in the romantic gesture more, give her a tonne of reasons to have a spark in her voice when she speaks to you. And not the same spark she has with her ex - create your own relationship, with its own spark. Instead of conflict, perhaps this is an opportunity for you to invest more in this person who you clearly want to be a bigger part of your life...?

1000 times, this.

***

Personally?

I hate the fact that I can’t be friends with my exHusband, because I made that terrible of a choice in who to be with. I hate that we’re not coparenting a healthy/happy/well adjusted kid with our new spouses, and not putting him in the middle of a pitched battle every time we’re in the same building, much less the same room. I hate that we can’t meet for coffee & discuss our lives, ring each other up and talk about our son, make pancakes or go out to dinner on special occasions, all of us.

I’ve been friends with most of my exes. Most of my friends? Are friends with most of their exes. Because the people we chose to date were amazing people, that we still wanted in our lives or were happy when they intersected, just not as romantic/life partners.

 

[blackemerald1]

But confrontation isn’t the only way to handle it.

I agree confrontation is not an acceptable way of communicating. But being assertive about what is and isn't okay within a relationship that you want to stay in and preserve is healthy and necessary. It seems the girlfriend is unwilling to have that conversation at this stage.

maybe this is a good indicator that it’s time to invest a bit more?

Maybe it is actually a very good indicator that investing more would be a waste of time. Both parties have got to want to do the hard work and invest in the relationship. It is going to get entirely one sided if she is spending loads of time with the ex, causing her partner discomfort and the only way he can maintain the interest in the relationship is to continually up the stakes. I haven't seen that work in a relationship before but I have seen it tried.

At this stage in a relationship none of that should be necessary imo because it is far too early and even more so if the girlfriend is already casting her eye back. Maybe at 9 years investing in some romance and variety might be a sensible thing to do but not at nine months. lol

I get what you are saying Friday and wouldn't that be a perfect world! But there are no children in the OP's circumstances. I agree with remaining on good terms with an ex for the sake of children. But that is entirely dependent on everyone behaving like mature and trustworthy adults.

This isn't what is happening with the OP - his girlfriend is not including him in the 'friendship' with the ex. He is feeling excluded by his girlfriend within the relationship and adding to that pressure is her continued alliance with the ex.

Sounds like far to much hard work for such a young relationship really. :sorry:

 

[PDH]

Just an update on the situation....she broke up with me this morning.

Thanks for all your replies ?

 

[EveHarrington]

Just an update on the situation....she broke up with me this morning.

Thanks for all your replies ?

I’m so sorry. :hug:

 

[PDH]

I’m so sorry. :hug:

Thanks @EveHarrington

 

[Changing4Best]

Hugs to you! So sorry.

 

[PDH]

Hugs to you! So sorry.

Thanks @Changing4Best

Time to be a lone wolf again.