Undiagnosed Is This Ptsd?

[featherless.wings]

Okay this is a bit long and I apologise. I have two different facets of my life that I think I was traumatised over, but I always skim over my childhood and focus on a very traumatic event that happened later in my life that I have very distinctive PTSD from. I guess what I can't seem to figure out, is could I have PTSD from my childhood?

My family (two siblings) moved around a lot, 4 times interstate and 13 different houses. We have no other family here, and my parents don't have any friends or acquaintances at all, not even coworkers or neighbours. I was homeschooled and no attempts were made to socialise me, so I never talked to anyone or had any friends. They religiously controlled all my music, books and TV. I wasn't allowed to leave the backyard, not even play in the street. Maybe twice a year we'd go on a family trip to the park. This went on until I was 16 and I fought my parents into letting me have a 'radius' around our house I was allowed to walk in. It was about 2 kms and I was only allowed out for an hour at a time, and if I was late back I'd get in terrible trouble. When I was 17/18 I started fighting my parents with all I had and the whole family broke apart, and this was very scarring.

Some asides:

My parents used physical punishment a bit and I truly feared going against their wishes. My dad once threatened to kill my pet rabbit during one of the times we were fighting (he has quite a temper).

My family is very religious, and straying from the religion will get me kicked out of the family. It's been challenging to pretend to be religious at times.

According to my parents, family is everything and saying anything bad about family to outsiders (ie my friends now that I'm going to University) is basically a cardinal sin.

I was never allowed to backchat in any shape or form, or express any anger.

Another important aside:

My mum hates not having friends and feels stuck in her life because divorce is religiously wrong. She used to cry on my shoulder on a regular basis about how she's stuck in this life. She was a stay at home mum all my childhood.

As an adult:

I feel irreparably screwed up from my childhood, I struggle making friends and my past always seems to come up somewhere and it's incredibly painful. I constantly feel the need to explain my childhood to friends like it was my fault somehow. Whenever my parents get angry I still get scared and try everything to make sure things go smoothly to avoid conflict. It seems to have a neverending effect on my life.
I still come home to my family on the weekend as I can't seem to live without them and love them (this seems incredibly screwed up). We have mended bridges to a point where it's amiable, but I keep resenting them for my childhood and they keep refusing to admit they were wrong. I have so much anger at them that I can't seem to do anything with (I'm still not allowed to backchat or anything).

So yeah, it's hard to sum it up because there are so many different aspects that affected me, but that's the gist of it.

 

[Deadman]

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood alright. As to whether or not you have PTSD we can't determine that. You need to get a proper assessment and diagnosis. Diagnosing yourself over the internet can be a dangerous thing.

 

[ladee]

We can't answer your question about PTSD... but having a therapist sounds like it would help you a great deal. even if you don't have PTSD having someone professional to talk with will help you understand your feelings and be a guide to help you to have a more fulfilling life.

 

[Sideways]

The childhood you've described goes way beyond neglect and it's hard to imagine anyone seeing this as less than psychological and verbal abuse, and by the sounds of it, physical punishment amounting to physical abuse. The neglect element is also really significant: everything from fostering safe exploration and education to your mum's unhealthy boundaries.

You have lots of basic rights as a child that simply haven't been met in that kind of home environment. That's significant, because when we think about rights of the child, like the right to play or explore their own spirituality, a lot of people may shrug that off as no biggie. But in the extreme form you've described - it really does make it almost impossible for the child to meet their development milestones and establish good mental health.

Do you have a therapist? I think it's really important that you reach out to the resources available in the community. Most mental health services will be bound by fairly strict privacy laws, including community services if you're cashed strapped, but make sure you communicate that you need strict confidentiality, and be wise to who you nominate as an emergency contact or next of kin. Do you still live with your family or have contact with them?

This sort of childhood could definitely give rise to complex ptsd as an adult. But there's other mental health issues that might also be relevant. And treatment options for any mental health issues you now have, even support to develop the necessary skills that you weren't provided as a child - there's lots of treatment available and reason to be optimistic for your future.

Have you had a major setback compared to others? Sure. If you're struggling? That's perfectly valid. But you also have reason to be optimistic about your future, and the possibilities open to you.

 

[featherless.wings]

I don't have a therapist, but my friends have encouraged me to see the University counsellor. She's been helpful, especially in pointing me towards possibly free psychology services. I've only seen her once and even opening up a little about my childhood had a huge affect on me and I stopped being able to sleep or be happy. I guess I don't usually talk about it so openly, but I don't know how I'll get through University if therapy is going to have such a painful effect.

I live at college now but see my family on weekends. They don't have any control over my life anymore, except when I lie about who I am to avoid conflict, or when their judgement is too much and I cave. Since they were the only people I knew all my life, we are incredibly close, especially me and my siblings. I know this sounds stupid considering how angry I am at my parents for my childhood. I guess I don't really understand it either. Some of my friends say it's like Stockholm Syndrome.

It seems stupid to try and deal with this now since it's been so many years.

 

[ladee]

There is nothing stupid about wanting to have your needs met. The thing is, these things have started coming up and they are not going away....and I understand you not wanting your past to interfere with your future... Congratulations on being in school... that is an awesome accomplishment.

You have a fighting spirit.... let that work for you.... I'm sorry this has presented now while you are trying to further your education and have real freedom.... I would hope you would follow up on seeking help.... this is a long journey, but you are not alone, and all of us here are supporting decisions you make....

We definitely understand not wanting it to interrupt your life... but it already has... hope you come here often for support and validation...you are not alone.

 

[Sideways]

Therapy for this stuff isn't easy. But at some point, it usually becomes necessary. But it's okay if, for now, you want to concentrate on uni. You're in control of your life now. Use the uni counsellor if you can to get through, but probably she isn't qualified to help with you childhood stuff (that's not to say she can't be an excellent support). Also think about using the community services she's recommended, the more support you have the better, because none of this is stupid (including being close to your parents).

 

[featherless.wings]

Thanks guys. I guess I'll give therapy a go for a bit and see how it affects my ability to study. Hopefully I haven't opened a can of worms that I can't put back in. This is all scary and uncharted waters for me. I just wish my siblings were in the same boat as me - they seem content to live their under my parents grip. Neither of them have any friends, and feel they don't need anyone other than family. One of them even refuses to admit that our childhood was abnormal or that our parents did anything wrong. It makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me that I want to get out and have friends and try all the things in life that we were never allowed. I don't understand how I'm the only one who isn't brainwashed, so then I start doubting that my parents even did anything wrong and I just feel stupid. It's like I don't belong in this family but I don't belong outside of it either, because everyone else is from a whole different planet to me.

 

[ladee]

@featherless.wings, you are not alone in thinking you don't belong to the family. I too, would think, I am the problem here. Doesn't anyone else see this as not normal? I also felt like I didnt fit in the outside world either..so I made it my goal to fit inside my own skin.
I fit here, I belong here. So neither of us are alone.
Hopefully you will learn some great life skills in therapy. Either way, it will help.
Go have a great life. I do understand.