Is This 'right' Thinking?

[shimmerz]

I was adopted at 2 years old so that I could be a sister to my adopted sister. I know it to be fact, so no discussion here. Personally I think it is a sh*tty reason to acquire a child. It didn't work out so well as I had some pretty good issues back when I was 2 and my 'sister' was 8. She hated me, therefore so did my mother.

When I was 14, my birth parents had a sister who was biological on both sides, mother and father. My bio mother contacted children's aid when she was born, trying to provide my bio sister with her older sibling; me. It was understood when I did eventually meet by bio parents at 18 that I was meant to be a good sister to her in every way.

See a pattern here? Anyways, my life just seems to be one thing to another like this. I am allowed to be a mother, as long as I am a 'great' mother. No faults. A daughter as long as I am a great daughter, no faults. A sister, as long as I am a great sister, no faults. News flash. It may be just one (;)) but I do have a fault. It is a core fault. I am not perfect.

Last night I got angry. First time ever. I am staying at a friends place and his son (we will call him John) was the target of my anger. I was flashing and he had no responsibility in my being angry. I didn't go ballistic, I spoke to him sharply. I recovered slightly and apologized and then explained my behaviour to him a little more clearly later in the evening.

My friend said this to me last night: 'We want you here Shimmerz, don't ever think we don't' (long story behind this including past reactive behaviour and feelings of not being wanted). That was fine, but what he said next totally got to me. 'You are so good for John, of course we want you here.'

So what does that mean? That as long as I am good for John then I am worthwhile having around? One more wrong move or perceived imperfection and I am hoofed to the curb? I super appreciate being allowed to stay here, please don't misunderstand that, but am I here, again, just because I serve a useful purpose here? If I can't properly serve this purpose (and this is relative to the person who defines useful) am I truly worthless? I am not asking if I should be seen as worthless but instead, am I, through my actions perpetuating this idea that I am worthwhile to have around only if I serve a purpose to others? Sorry, not certain I am making sense, was a rough night.

 

[Friday]

With most parents... All visitors are on sufferance. Their kids come first. Always. You threaten their kids in any way (and I don't mean physically, I mean any kind of harm) and you're turfed.

Some parents are able to split influences into 3 categories: Positive, Neutral, Negative.
Most parents I know only have 2: Positive Influences & Negative influences.

To me, from that perspective, it sounds like your friends were trying to reassure you; that even though you snapped at their son, they still see you as a positive influence. Meaning they didn't want you worrying that because you lost your temper with their son that you're about to be asked to leave. Kind of the opposite of your life lessons... You weren't perfect & were still accepted. Still seen as a positive influence. That could change. But that's always true.

 

[FindingMyself88]

((hugs)) if you will accept them @shimmerz . I think I understand what you are saying. Can I say that we here accept you and love you, even in your imperfections? I think I can relate because if I was not being perfect- I was a horrible daughter in my mom's eyes. Everything was about her- even my own pain. If I disagreed mildly with her on something- I was "disowned".

You are allowed to be who you are and you have EVERY right to provide self care for yourself, not others. My T told me yesterday that everyone's real goal in life was to be able to love themselves- it is only then that we can be who we truly are.

 

[illusionist]

I understand .....had my own feelings of being needed rather than wanted as a kid in care. As an adult I just wanted to feel wanted for being me, not because of what I could give either physically or emotionally. As a kid I used to hear a relative say to their adopted daughter that they chose them because they were special and I so wanted to hear that. As an adult I realised that it's bullshit. People adopt kids to fulfil their own needs of longing to be a parent and all that being a parent brings to them, or whatever reason is beneficial to them....the love etc of that child develop through their relationship (normally, though not always), not before when it's just paperwork and a photo sitting in front of them. Being honest, I brought my own two kids into the world initially to fulfil my own needs. If I'd thought about it totally from the unborn kids perspective, and only from that, I would never have brought kids into the world. So, I have realised that relationships stem from a need from that other person..either emotionally or physically....the love etc comes later....so it's not wrong for someone to be around me because they need me in some way as that was the very basis of our relationship. It's the love that person has developed for us that makes them tolerable/ accepting of our mistakes. I agree with Friday jones regarding what was said.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have seen the dynamics of the adopted child in a family with biological children (that is biological children of the adoptive parents) and it seems like there is sometimes a differential treatment that goes ignored to an extent? In the past I have hesitated to say anything, but I have seen this dynamic play out over and over and over again, with people here on the forum, and adopted friends in real life. The assumption is always that because the child was "chosen" that the child should be wanted even more, but what that doesn't take into account is the fact that the parents didn't have the ability to bond with the child at the most crucial time, and the mom's never experienced those bonding hormones that they do with their biological children.

Have you ever tried to seek out support from other adoptees? I think you'd find that this sort of treatment isn't uncommon. I haven't even heard that many adoption stories, so I don't think it is an unusual phenomenon.

This is, of course, in relation to the adoptive mother part, and doesn't have any bearing on the other issues you're dealing with.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Oh dear :( It is SO easy to feel "expectation" from others, especially when we have a pattern of feeling compelled to "please" them in order to "earn" their favor or affection. (I'm a chief offender in the people pleasing department! Makes it nigh unto impossible to set healthy boundaries, and so EVERYONE ends up feeling like an invader!) And that's WITHOUT the complications of something like trauma and it's effects, in addition! I don't know from your post anything about the nature of your friendship with John's dad, but I don't "hear" the same degree of expectation I think you're hearing. That doesn't mean it's not there, but it might just be as simple as him trying to express that he is appreciating how you DO show care/kindness (etc) in John's life .. and perhaps also trying to convey that you're "forgiven" for the lapse cuz he knows the TREND of your involvement is a positive one .. ie: one blip on the radar doesn't need to unravel the whole arrangement.

*hands up* Now, having said that, you have a "red flag" for a reason - it might be just as simple as sitting down with John's dad and ASKING him to explain. Think like a lawyer, don't "rescue" him too soon or give him the out by telling him up front some positive spin - but maybe give him a 2nd chance to express what he's REALLY thinking so you can see if it sheds further light on his impression of you living in their world.

It doesn't need to be a hostile conversation - and if he's a GOOD friend, he'll be very quick to clarify. And you will BOTH be able to grow from talking it out, further.

If he's NOT a good friend .. Well, if it was me, I would pray first, ask God's Spirit to give me a sense of whether he is a "safe" place or not, and then wait till I had clarity on how to ask the question before I proceeded. It helps me not approach with accusation first which puts the other person automatically on defensive. But I find that if I can be more of a blank canvas, I can see more clearly the "colors" the other person is throwing at me, and then evaluate accordingly. And if he's NOT a good friend, you could then look for options to rearrange your living situation IF NECESSARY.

Do you have other friends/help in your world? Anyone else who could offer some "depth perception" as you navigate your circumstances? Or anywhere else you could go? A plan in place to eventually be out of this friend's house and empowered by finding your own footing? (I don't mean to pry - just trying to help you think outside the stress box for a minute :) .. I don't know your story, so please take my comments with a grain of salt. ;)

~S2B

 

[illusionist]

I think solara is right. I have known of failed adoptions....some where the marriage has broken down and the child is given back... One where the kid had been with them for 10 years, from birth. The adopted mother said that she only adopted to keep the marriage together as she could not have any and had never bonded. Not nice but that's the reality.

 

[scout86]

I have no idea what he meant. I tend to think @FridayJones is one the right track. I also think that actually asking him is a pretty good option.

I don't have this worked out. I can relate. (I wasn't adopted but I used to hope I was. Weirdly hoping that would mean someone somewhere DID want me. Hey, I was a kid, what can I say? :confused:)

@shimmerz , I have a suspicion that the important question isn't why other people value you, the important question is how much and for what reasons do you value yourself? I suspect, for a person with a solid sense of self worth, this isn't the same issue.

I guess, best of all possible worlds, children are valued "just because" and "unconditional love" is a real thing. Obviously, that's not the world everyone grows up in. I'm honestly not sure unconditional love exists beyond that. I've known a couple of people who seemed like they wouldn't kick me to the curb, no matter what, but I'm not sure that was true. There was no reason for them to feel that way..... I didn't want to push my luck, for sure. I think people DO like us for "reasons": I don't actually think "what we can do for them" is always the reason. I know sometimes it IS a reason and sometimes it's the only reason. I don't think that's always the case, though.

I like you because you're smart, and brave, and come up with both interesting ideas and interesting questions. So, on the one hand, I like you as the person I perceive you to be. On the other hand, that person helps me learn stuff and I like learning. Do I like you for who you are, what you can do for me, or both?

You'd probably do well to get the perspective of friend on this one!

 

[Nam]

Okay, Shimmerz, hold on, because I'm going to spill. I'm adopted. Age five. I was beaten and sexually abused for one year before the adoption. Before that, I was "punished" in the normal matter in that culture. Not saying it's right, but being slapped was normal for mild offenses. Especially about respect of the elders, which I had some serious issues with. Anyway....I was adopted into a family that wanted help on the farm. Over time, I realized that it was just a cover story, but why the hell would someone say that to a kid who was GIVEN UP for adoption. Or let's say abandoned by their mother. Not even a year after my adoption, my brother was born. The biological son of my adoptive parents. The one they couldn't have. Sigh... @Solara is right that there was some serious maltreatment of the adopted kids compared to the biological one. At the time, I didn't get it, but now as a mother, I do.

Being physically abused is maltreatment of the body. When sexually abused, it's manipulation. With neglect and abandonment, it's huge load of shit that is so hard to carry. The child carries around cynicism, hatred (especially toward themselves), anger, betrayal, hopelessness...the list goes on and on. It's hard to overcome. There's a critic inside of us that goes unhindered. We blame ourselves for everything, and with hold simple pleasures from ourselves because we don't think we deserved or earned it.

It's still something I'm trying to so hard to get through. I've handled the abuse part and the sexual abuse part. But under all of that, was the big one...abandonment. It's something I'll probably work on for the rest of my life. I'm recognizing when my mind flips to when I was a kid and is angry with just a mild critique of my work. Or the feelings of utter hopelessness that I feel when a kid of mine has to get shots. Very huge reactions in proportion to what's happening. It all ties back to getting our needs met. Our emotional needs and love needs. Every kid deserves to be loved. Once I wrapped my mind around that, I was very angry. And I think it's healthy to be angry in this sense. So that, eventually (still working on it), that I can let that go, so I that in the future and right now, I can feel that I can accept love, criticism, and all the overwhelming feelings that life can throw at me.

I'm reading Cptsd from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. It's been so eye opening to me. Emotional flashbacks is a thing. Now that I recognize it for what it is, I can change it.

I can go on and on about this, but for right now, I have to go take my little to preschool. Let me know if you want to talk further about any of it.

 

[shimmerz]

I thought more about this yesterday after having read some of the posts here. Until I broke the connections, I had this crazy dynamic with both families. I was meant to fit in and be responsible to both, with an undertone that it was an honour to be part of the families. That they would cut ties it I didn't 'cut it'. On the flip side, there was always a very large chasm between my sisters and I. One had been born to one set of parents, the other had been raised by bio parents. So I didn't actually belong anywhere and each sister was happy to remind me of this fact over and over again.

feeling compelled to "please"

Yes, and my need to people please has been shot to hell in a handbasket. I don't miss it but am having to rework the damage I have done because I had this tendency in the past. I think I will leave this issue with John's dad alone and just coast. I did the best I could that night, given what was going on. No explanations. I just am who I am and he knows I flash.

and the child is given back

My god, it just hit me! My adopted sister adopted 3 children. Let me preface by saying, she is a nut. A mean and malicious nut. She would call children's aid in front of them and tell them to take them back. This happened numerous times in their young lives. Evil b*tch. I wonder if she saw this when she was young (when I was adopted), or is playing out her feelings towards me when I 'came' to the family. She so wanted me gone.

how much and for what reasons do you value yourself?

I feel like I am making so many adjustments and changes that I don't even know myself. But whoever it is that is walking around in this body is challenging every freaking belief system I ever had. Doesn't answer your question but that is how I feel.

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/1860/"]@Solara[/DLMURL] is right that there was some serious maltreatment of the adopted kids compared to the biological one. At the time, I didn't get it, but now as a mother, I do.

Yes, she is. They covered it with all sorts of pretty words, but it was hell and continued to be hell 30+ years after my adopted parents' deaths, with extended family ignoring me and my children who had no freaking part in it. That was what got to me you know. Why reject my children? I could go on and on about this too. Gaslighting, along with the abuse is such a devastating combination.

Their kids come first.

This took me decades to see because the words in our house did not mimic the actions. I focused too much on words. The need to hear soothing words while not looking to see that actions actually matched those words messed me up big time.

I was a horrible daughter in my mom's eyes.

I am coming to the realization that my mother was a narcissist and she taught my sister VERY well how to be one too. My father and I were dog meat in that family. Shivers just thinking about it.

so it's not wrong for someone to be around me because they need me in some way

True, this. I think the thing is here, is that need veiled or misrepresented or even worse, there was an illusion put forth that I would not be okay without them and what they do for me. Reciprocal in relationships works fine for me, however a one sided relationship, not so good. I won't be bending over backwards for any one of my relationships any more.

seen this dynamic play out over and over and over again, with people here on the forum, and adopted friends in real life.

I would be interested to hear what your observations are with this Solara. Would you mind sharing? Your posting opened up something that I hadn't thought of relating to this issue, I thank you so much.

 

[illusionist]

Shimmerz...can I suggest you do what I did years ago to get some understanding of the dynamics solara is speaking of....it really did help me when I was on my road to accepting what had gone on in my past. I looked up forums to see what others who had been through the system felt and experienced. I looked on the sites where people who were looking to adopt and these included failed adoptions.... sit back and read them. Take your emotions and experiences out of it as much as you can, if you can, and just take in what they are saying. I lost my adopted parents through death and was in long term foster care...but class my long term foster care as having the same dynamics. You will see similarities and may find things that help you. The feeling of abandonment is a very common one for instance so it helped me realize that I very well could have ended up with that problem even if I had not been abused. It didn't change the fact that I had it, that takes work as you know, but it did make me look onto it in a different light. I hope this can help a little bit.

 

[Eleanor]

Just wanted to chime in on a small point - I don't think my H and I are the only ones who are ABSOLUTE GENIUSES at unconsciously recreating our traumas. Somehow I managed, in the middle of the night one night to go upstairs when he was sleeping, turn on the light and speak to him in an angry voice. It was a perfect storm, AND almost totally recreated the situation of his youth where his mother hit him in the head with a shovel.

OK, I didn't have a shovel in my hand. But still. It was more than enough to drive him into the episode to end all episodes.

So... I'm guessing "we so want you... because you are useful." is in part a re-enactment to give you the opportunity to work through all this??

Also I am currently practicing not giving 'junk food" feedback to my kid - instead of saying 'good job" say exactly what she did and why it is important/important to me. So when you ask about liking and being useful... and trying to do one without the other... my mind goes TILT. I work on appreciating stuff about people I DON"T like so... (head spinning...)