M
MsGuilt
The more distant the event becomes, the more guilt I feel. I don't know if this was a sexual assault or if it was my fault or choice/doing. Please help straighten this out for me:
I set a date with a guy from OkCupid. He was texting way too much and I thought that was odd, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The hour before the date, he texted that he lost his wallet and wanted to meet at his dorm building instead, saying they have board games, basketball, ping pong, racketball, and movies . . . free entertainment. I knew the dorm does have all that, so I figured, this time being more lonely than wise, I would agree. He walked me up to his room and we were talking and playing video games, but the moment I went in there, I felt uncomfortable - even he noticed it. I knew I shouldn't have even gone up there, but I did. I was lonely, and that overcame my reason even though I knew better (so please don't give me those lectures about only meeting in public and blah, blah, blah; I know. That doesn't change what happened that night). I figured I was still in control to just be there and nothing more, so I didn't leave. I asked him if he previously went out with anyone from the site, and he said he thought we were meeting as friends. I agreed, but he was doing something you learn in improv: saying the opposite of what your actions say. I agreed about just meeting as friends - though his texts were more flirtatious than that - and then he lifted me to dance to no music. I was very confused, staring at the door when he pulled me close to him and kissed me. At first, I was processing what I wanted, and the next thing I said was that I had to go. I was being timid, polite, and gentle with him because he just got through telling me about all his psychological issues. He asked where as he grabbed my butt and ground his body against mine. I said let's stop here until next time - a next time I wasn't planning on happening - and just talk, and he, Johnny, kissed me on my neck and ear and began pushing me to his bed. I said wait as his hands went into my jeans and then back to my breasts, and then I said let's just talk. He stopped, smiled a wry smile that made me shiver with fear, and asked what I wanted to talk about. I just asked him a simple question about the German writing on his window, anything to stop what he started, and he said it meant, "A man burns." He had his hand on my arm and the other on my thigh, and he was so strong. His eyes and his strength, his demeanor, it all changed and I felt like he wouldn't let me out, not unless I made him content, made him decide the night was over. I just hoped to do it by making him talk and talk until he wanted me out. At this point, he pushed us onto the bed. He was lying below me, which makes me feel even more at fault, but he was holding me, so strong that I was in pain. I left that night with bruises on my wrists and thighs from his hands, but I was still on top of him. He was fondling me, groping me, humping me, pulling down my pants, pulling up my shirt, touching me everywhere, moaning. I just tried to keep him talking, distract him as I pushed away without success, and when that didn't work, when his hands came closer to my vagina and his grip grew tighter on my arm, I giggled with nervousness. Again, that was my fault to show submissiveness, but I was gathering my thoughts. I said stop, don't, stop (I know, the order jumbles until it sounds like "don't stop"), wait, not tonight, please. He didn't stop. I massaged his arm and shoulder, trying to please him to just get him to get over it without needing more, telling him I'm a virgin to convince him to leave me alone. That just excited him with a challenge. He was unzipping his pants as I massaged his arm and shoulder, still afraid but searching for a way out by exploring him like he explored me when I found it: a weakness in his back that I could squeeze to inflict pain. I did it over and over until he was wincing. When he let go, I sat up and said I really had to go. He said okay, walked me to my car, pushed me against the car to kiss me and grope me more, bruising my back with his force, and let me go. It all feels like it was my fault, like I should have not been afraid, should have just left right away, like it was my choice because he let me go unharmed.
I just don't know what to think. Please, help. Tell me what this was from an outside perspective. Was it a bad date or a sexual assault?
I set a date with a guy from OkCupid. He was texting way too much and I thought that was odd, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The hour before the date, he texted that he lost his wallet and wanted to meet at his dorm building instead, saying they have board games, basketball, ping pong, racketball, and movies . . . free entertainment. I knew the dorm does have all that, so I figured, this time being more lonely than wise, I would agree. He walked me up to his room and we were talking and playing video games, but the moment I went in there, I felt uncomfortable - even he noticed it. I knew I shouldn't have even gone up there, but I did. I was lonely, and that overcame my reason even though I knew better (so please don't give me those lectures about only meeting in public and blah, blah, blah; I know. That doesn't change what happened that night). I figured I was still in control to just be there and nothing more, so I didn't leave. I asked him if he previously went out with anyone from the site, and he said he thought we were meeting as friends. I agreed, but he was doing something you learn in improv: saying the opposite of what your actions say. I agreed about just meeting as friends - though his texts were more flirtatious than that - and then he lifted me to dance to no music. I was very confused, staring at the door when he pulled me close to him and kissed me. At first, I was processing what I wanted, and the next thing I said was that I had to go. I was being timid, polite, and gentle with him because he just got through telling me about all his psychological issues. He asked where as he grabbed my butt and ground his body against mine. I said let's stop here until next time - a next time I wasn't planning on happening - and just talk, and he, Johnny, kissed me on my neck and ear and began pushing me to his bed. I said wait as his hands went into my jeans and then back to my breasts, and then I said let's just talk. He stopped, smiled a wry smile that made me shiver with fear, and asked what I wanted to talk about. I just asked him a simple question about the German writing on his window, anything to stop what he started, and he said it meant, "A man burns." He had his hand on my arm and the other on my thigh, and he was so strong. His eyes and his strength, his demeanor, it all changed and I felt like he wouldn't let me out, not unless I made him content, made him decide the night was over. I just hoped to do it by making him talk and talk until he wanted me out. At this point, he pushed us onto the bed. He was lying below me, which makes me feel even more at fault, but he was holding me, so strong that I was in pain. I left that night with bruises on my wrists and thighs from his hands, but I was still on top of him. He was fondling me, groping me, humping me, pulling down my pants, pulling up my shirt, touching me everywhere, moaning. I just tried to keep him talking, distract him as I pushed away without success, and when that didn't work, when his hands came closer to my vagina and his grip grew tighter on my arm, I giggled with nervousness. Again, that was my fault to show submissiveness, but I was gathering my thoughts. I said stop, don't, stop (I know, the order jumbles until it sounds like "don't stop"), wait, not tonight, please. He didn't stop. I massaged his arm and shoulder, trying to please him to just get him to get over it without needing more, telling him I'm a virgin to convince him to leave me alone. That just excited him with a challenge. He was unzipping his pants as I massaged his arm and shoulder, still afraid but searching for a way out by exploring him like he explored me when I found it: a weakness in his back that I could squeeze to inflict pain. I did it over and over until he was wincing. When he let go, I sat up and said I really had to go. He said okay, walked me to my car, pushed me against the car to kiss me and grope me more, bruising my back with his force, and let me go. It all feels like it was my fault, like I should have not been afraid, should have just left right away, like it was my choice because he let me go unharmed.
I just don't know what to think. Please, help. Tell me what this was from an outside perspective. Was it a bad date or a sexual assault?
