Is This Structural Dissociation?

[shell]

I am told I have structural dissociation @Ms Spock, but I still don't really get this whole thing, because this sort of thing happens to others, but then one day I woke up and actually had to accept it happened to me.

The way I see it I have parts of me that know, and the part of me (ANP) that exists everyday and who I feel is me, that does't know really, but sort of knows, that watches and observes the parts of me that does know and relives that stuff "that I don't really remember" even though "I know about it generally".

It's like that part of me that it happened to, is someone else, at the same time as knowing, although distancing that I am that person.

That is how I experience my physical and emotional abuse from my mother, partial structural dissociation, the sexual abuse was total structural dissociation, the ANP had no idea.

It's a bit of a spin out to observe part of myself having a panic attack with heart racing, fear, etc. and I (ANP) am observing it now that my body is panicking and yet I am totally calm at the same time watching it happen.

 

[void]

I am not really sure how to do that @void.

If I had any idea how to guide you, I would....but I'm afraid I simply don't know.:sorry:
Hopefully, this thread will help you, @Ms Spock

 

[ms spock]

I have a part that is always totally disconnected and a part that totally merges with people, it is really confusing for me (and most likely them as well).

 

[ms spock]

I make too much effort to sustain friendships and then I too, disappear. I am so weird. My behaviour is really all over the place!

 

[ms spock]

I did mention this to my psychiatrist but I said that I wouldn't go into it until the next couple of weeks passes. We are at the end of dementia care and it is very exhausting.

 

[ms spock]

I have a part that comes out and lashes out from time to time - that part was strong yesterday and I took myself out and away from people and managed it elsewhere, which was good.

So I have a protective part that needs to be very busy for the other part to come out.
I have that other part that only comes out if a large part of me is distracted.
I have a lashing out part.
I have a part that runs away as well.

I find this all very confusing and I don't really believe in this stuff anyway. The part stuff was what the crazy psychologist did to me, and it stuffed me right up.

 

[kona355]

I have a part that is always totally disconnected and a part that totally merges with people, it is real...

I get what you're saying. I don't have DID either, but I live in what my T described as a trance state which is more like a daydream than outright trance. I have a part of me that stays numb around people in order to protect myself, and another part of me that, with effort when I'm around people I trust, can be allowed to interact and experience a somewhat normal day.

Doing away with the numb one is not acceptable...not yet.

 

[Saria]

I experience parts as well. And I also find it very confusing and sometimes doubt that this even is a thing, even when I know it is. I don't have DID since I don't have any memory loss and I always feel like I'm me, if that makes sense. Just differents sides or parts of me. My therapist has diagnosed me with DDNOS, which is a form of structural dissociation as well, only not as separated and split up like DID i guess. I'm starting in a therapy group soon which follows this manual

Dead Link Removed

Being curious and impatient to get better as I always am, I've already read it, and I think it seems good. I believe though, that everyone has different sides, but that many people with developmental trauma have had to separate these sides or parts more when we were younger, simply to be able to function in life, or to survive. It's not really a necessary coping mechanism any more though, but my fragmented mind hasn't yet realized that I'm safe now.

Anyway, my therapist says that the first goal often is to accept every part of yourself, even the lashing out parts. So here comes self-compassion again I guess. Have you noticed how you relate to the different sides of you? My strategy so far has been judge them all. Not helpful.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @Saria - just getting to know that they are there is a big thing for me at the moment. Self compassion can definitely help on this one, that is true.

I will look at that book. Thanks.

 

[kona355]

I experience parts as well. And I also find it very confusing and sometimes doubt that this even is a thin...

One of those parts is who survived the abuse. I like that one in me; the others, very trying to live with for sure.

 

[Ellabella44]

I have fragments as well. I wrote to one of them (protector self) that I needed her help letting anyone who wanted to do therapy to be able to speak so things run better.

Integrating is a bumpy ride, it helps using some advice I was given: they are parts of you and need to be cared for by you. To parent them gently and with love.

This self compassion challenge helps a lot with them all.

 

[ms spock]

It is all quite confusing for me - but at least I am more aware of this now. They are controlling my life, at times, and I was just so confused to not know what was going on and why I was so reactive and how I got in these trauma loops just going around and around and around, and making the same mistakes over and over and over again.