Isolate from stupid as a defense

[ms spock]

My Nephew got arrested for doing something really stupid Monday and now may lose his job because of it. I loaned them money so he could get out on bail. They came over to pick a little more for the lawyer tonight from my Mom. My Mom asked me to come visit with them awhile and make him feel better. About ten minutes is all I could handle. His girlfriend started saying a bunch of stupid stuff about the cops.

My Mom wants me to give him some advice duuuh get a lawyer and/or don't do anything my brother-in-law (his dad) would think is a good idea.

If that isn't bad enough my Mom who I love dearly never understands why I can't stand to visit a lot with my relatives.

Can you not bail them out any more? Not give money? Is this an option? Can you say to your mother "He needs to be in jail so he gets the lesson and consequences of his behaviour, tough love that might save his life one day?"

Can you look at stepping out of the family assigned role of rescuer? Can you say to your mother my nephew in law needs therapy to sort out his issues. I am not a professional counsellor.

Can you be busy and not go and help the nephew feel better?

It is okay for your mother not to understand as long as she accepts your limitations. Can you get to this point? Or is it much trickier than this?

Should I try harder?

From me: a resounding no!

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

 

[ms spock]

I try as best as I can to insulate my Mom from their games and their drama.

Maybe that is a task that is impossible. Insulating yourself from the drama - means you are there.

Perhaps your mother will understand your reluctance to visit if she is not protected from the drama?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

My mom is 80 and I take care of her. She's pretty independent still drives but she needs me to handle her bills. I normally go to the doctor with her since she won't tell the doctor all of the problems. I help her keep track of her medications. Of course she takes pretty good care of me too. Like most mothers it's always want me to fix you something to eat. She still gets a lot of joy out of cooking.

I do insulate her from the scams that one of my sisters perpetrate. At least I give advice. She knows many times it's a lie but she just needs someone to bounce the situation off of.

I gave my Sister the money for bail since I know I "might" get it back. My Mom will just write it off.

As far as sarcasm goes the person has to have the intelligence to recognize it as such. No such luck.

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

I fully understand where you're coming from Bill. Sarcasm was meant as a last resort from futility and frustration. It may not work on them, but it can be a needed release to the person being subjected to drama. Carry on :)

 

[ms spock]

I do insulate her from the scams that one of my sisters perpetrate. At least I give advice. She knows many times it's a lie but she just needs someone to bounce the situation off of.

Well doing reality checks is always important.

It reads to me Bill that you are in a difficult situation. You understand the dynamics and you manage it rather well most of the time and occasionally the family really get on your nerves. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I consider on a regular basis becoming a Hermit or maybe building a house in the side of a mountain in Arkansas and surrounding it with an electrified barbwire topped fence.

 

[ms spock]

When your boundaries are so regularly encroached upon by unhelpful (understatement of the year) people that is probably appropriate. A good fantasy to have to help you deal with being your mother's carer and having to deal with all the family dynamics, drama and utter rubbish.

I feel for you and have no suggestions or ideas, but I do feel for you.

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

Well said Ms Spock :)

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

And if that doesn't work, there's always the alternative in the pic *lol and kidding i think*

or...*kidding*

Humor is a wonderful outlet and much better than drama or trauma-induced cortisol :)

Are you on the other side of the pond Spock?

 

[ms spock]

Which pond?

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

The Atlantic ocean. You know, across the pond as they say? *lol*