Isolated and alone

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Good luck superjen, sorry you had to go through that. Moving and feeling unsettled can be so stressful. Take it easy on yourself, ok? Have been in similar situations myself. Way too many times. Good thing your mom is supportive, that's huge.

I had two, no three housing disasters before finding this place, I was so fried dragging my stuff around, almost felt like giving up and living in a tent. When I got here I had packed and unpacked so much, it was just rediculous - had my stuff packed in trash bags - am not making this up :-) I took like a month before I even came close to being recovered.

The good news, fate delivered me into a place I can finally call home - amazing! I swear it seems like I have never really loved where I lived before this. So am hoping the something similar works out for you too.

wishing you the best,
James B.
Thanks James B,

That means a lot to me. I suppose the reason I'm so hurt is because I so ~actively~ sought help. And I mean, it's embarrassing. Going back in the car all I could think of was how on earth I'd face my family. 'This is humiliating'. I really expected some support. I suppose I am naive, but I expected a few gentle hands on my shoulders and some encouragement because I had sought help. Nope, I got the opposite from this man. I felt ridiculed and embarrassed. And now I'm gonna cry again writing this, but, if the situation were reversed I'd like to think I'd be compassionate enough to at least say 'are you alright there?'. Nope, instead he just lost it. To the extent I'm almost sitting here thinking 'do you have a problem yourself?' because I don't think I deserved it. I really don't think I deserved it.

Also, it hurts very much to have things yelled at me like 'if you want to be part of this family you better.... etc etc etc' when everyone in the house is a blood relative of mine and he's a guy who came along recently. I'm just so thankful my Mum supported me. It'll be ok James B. I think the best thing is for me to get my own place. Being there was only temporary anyway, I just didn't think my leaving would be on such horrible terms on account of an incident like this. It was always going to happen, just a shame it happened this way.

Anyway, I will leave it behind me and move on remembering that there ~are~ people out there with a far greater level of tolerance and understanding. Appreciate your kind words very much x

It is so sad and discouraging that the legitimate plight of PTSD sufferers seems like, I don't know, a trigger? to so many people.

I wrote about the dinner I attended with my landlords friends. It was the first time in my life I had support and acknowledgement from male peers. And I am 52... That revelation really sharpened my mind to the slights and negative reactions of others.

Guess the whole deal with mental health is still, sad to say, very stigmaitzed by the majority. It has led me to feel like "why did I ever expect any acceptance in the first place? What was I thinking?"

At least, superjen, you are very familiar and comfortable with being 'mobile' having traveled and such. These skills, being able to pack up, adapt etc, are very useful, *and* you made an important and accurate call on the situation and that is the kind of brave self advocacy I guess it takes.

It does suck, what that person said, especially in terms of his relationship to your relatives. This strikes me as an important insight, though painfull indeed.
Wishing and hoping you get a nice place of your own. In my experience it sure does help a lot.

good luck superjen...
James B.
James B,

Yeah I think there were issues with mental health in the family and this could possibly help to explain his reaction to my situation. But, regardless, I don't want to waste too much time figuring out his reasons when my energy should be focused on my own problems right now. I agree with you about the stigma. Something else I would think in there - there were so few visitors. Some had visitors. And that would always make me happy. Others, I knew they honestly had nowhere to go. Can't begin to tell you how much that broke my heart. It was an eye opener, as you say, to society's views on mental illness. I even went as far as to think 'it is no wonder that mentally ill people are at far greater risk of things like homelessness, etc'. It would be so easy to just 'slip through the cracks' without support.

As far as being used to being mobile - you are absolutely correct. I'm not a bit daunted by having to move. It was a temporary situation anyway. I've moved around so much in my life - I'm almost happy about the idea of my own place. Wouldn't even mind if it's a little bit further away (I've been searching online while here and have found a few possibilities). I do want to stay close for my Mum's sake though. She's been great. As for my sis - well, I don't want to go as far as to say I'm bitter. But I'm not particularly 'feelin the love' right now.

Looking forward to my own place and getting all this sorted out. I have my moments where I think 'nope, there is nothing and no one who can possibly fix this. This is a like a question with no possible answer. There is no fix'. But - gotta try huh. I know that one doc in particular which I spoke to was awesome. They say half the problem with therapy is rapport. Well, cant even put my finger on why in particular I liked him, but there was just something about him that made me feel perfectly comfortable. And I did end that particular 'session' feeling better.

Anyway - I suppose, if the situation were reversed I think I would have compassion and empathy. And I can't be the only person in the world like that, so I'm just gonna keep getting treatment and hang on to that belief.

Thanks so much again James B.
I too strive to hang on to my compassion and empathy, proof my trauma didn't destroy my humanity. My ability to feel.

I can relate to what you wrote previously about your sister, the sad truth in my case is that I (and many others who suffer from family oriented abuse) is the shock and continued reverberations of realizing it was/is my *whole* family.

Don't really have any ideas regarding dealing with your sister, it sounds like you have a clear view. Being realistic about expectations is, for me, probably a "saving grace" - can't get blood from a turnip :-) and other cliches. Still, you never know, things in your case might change, it might just turn around. Isn't validation from family so huge? Amazing. Good luck with your sister.

It is awesome your mom is there for you. What I found here on this site, and what I wrote about my mom on my intro thread was a revelation and big step forward in healing. She was a victim, she certainly suffered a form of battered womans syndrome, no question. I had a complete about face regarding a lot of old resentments (and shock at her behaviour) because of this. Good god, what she went through... Very tragic.

Isolation is a good descriptive word, but one that seems loaded with certain perhaps negative connotations. I don't feel I really "isolate". I feel I seek *solitude* for all the right reasons. Not to hide, not because I don't want to connect, but because I need a *trigger-light* enviro where I can feel entirely uninhibited in processing grief, etc. Some people are for sure wired in a more autonomous fashion than others, it seems. And so many people, among them many sensitive creatives, have sought solitude for the same reasons. Good reasons.

Maybe there is an element of "control" in seeking solitude, but maybe it is the kind control seeking needed by those who have been exposed to, or lived in, an out of control situation?

Whatever the reaons, it is sure nice to think, as one is involved in a busy or sometimes hectic daily shedule, that you can look forward to going home, close the door, and completely chill out. I am betting that once you get settled in, and get used to your new place, the ability to go out and enjoy the social life you deserve might not be far behind... You never know :-)

Having fun is so key...

Yes, hang on to your compassion and empathy superjen, I think, nuture all your sensitivities and awarenesses, and good wishes to you (and all fellow PTSD sufferers) on the path toward a better life.

writing this helps me heal
James B.
Found a place James B :)

All approved and it's now mine. Can't wait to be in there. I'm already mentally moving in and making it my own. That's a load off my mind. Thank you for all the support through the stress of finding it.

Awesome. "Mentally moving" - good stuff. Listen, this'll sound silly but I just wanna mention - please *be careful moving* and *lifting stuff* . It is way easy with the adrenaline and being psyched on getting into a new place to use the body in very strenuous ways - it adds up over the years. It really does so please be kind to yourself and get the help you need, ok?

Jen, I remember the relief I had finding this place - it was so huge. Here's hoping everything turns out great! (I am sure it will.) :-)
Hi Real,
You sound a lot like me. It's heartbreaking, because I know how hard it is. I tend to think I'm the only one who suffers with this but I know it isn't true. The last fifteen years I was in almost total isolation except for the friend I lived with who came home at the end of the day to work some more. I know what caused it to happen, the move to that location where all the trauma of my childhood had taken place. I was coerced to move there and finally relented only to regret it deeply. I'm finally out of there now but I don't know how to live like I used to. Don't know how to make friends and now I'm out here alone at fifty years old and few skills left to work with, not that I have many to begin with. I was disable to start out with and already had enough challenges to try and work through. It's scary for me at this point. I suspect I will be alone for the rest of my life given my age and lost socialization. Too depressed to even do my creative work and in a small town where it's difficult to get help. Story of my life, I guess. I have to work on my attitude, mostly. The sun is shining today so I will look for hope in the bright sun light, appreciate my pleasant apartment and the fresh, clean air and try not to let my mind get the better of me.

Hang in there and just know you aren't alone and things really can get better, if we work at it.
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