So last month I had to stay with my parents for a few weeks, which is decidedly not a good environment. I've freaked out and slept in my car in the middle of nowhere in winter to avoid their house in the past, as an indicator. While I was there I broke up with my bf who was mildly abusive but more importantly non-communicative on a lot of levels and really unable to deal with my PTSD in a healthy way. A week before we had the talk, my best friend of 6 years wrote me out of her life because I disclosed my latest trauma to her and she didn't believe me. I didn't even want to tell her, but she knew of my abuser, who was a close friend of mine when the event occurred 2 years ago and she asked after him even though she didn't know him personally. I didn't want him to come up in conversation again, so I told her generally what had happened (he drugged and raped me). She decided something just "wasn't right" about it. First she guilted me for not telling her when it happened even though I didn't tell anyone until about 6 months ago and then only after a partial breakdown. Then she said she thought I was just seeking attention and gave me a chance to change my story. Then she abruptly cut off all contact, saying she couldn't trust me anymore. I suspect part of it is because many people begin to doubt those of us who are survivors of multiple incidents.
I'm now living with a very new friend, her two small children and house full of pets for the next 6 months while I finish a program near her. Not only is the situation super chaotic and overwhelming, but I can't shake that I'm either in everyone's way or I'm the creepy person who lives in their basement and comes up and bakes things for them every once in a while. The cats and I basically hide in the basement while the house breaks into chaos when the children get up in the morning or when they come home from sports practice. I'm thankful for the place to live, but it's really difficult to adjust to. Her boyfriend who stays some nights and weekends is also very sexist due to his culture and constantly says things that either trigger or enrage me.
I'm trying to find a job in the area, but I'm symptomatic enough it's proving difficult. I found a really small dojo where I like the instructor but I'm really terrified to go and feel like because there are so many skilled people I'll be a detriment to other's training. I know the dojo is really keen on helping new students, but I just can't feel anything other than that I'm a bumbling fool holding everyone else back.
I'm meeting with my T via Skype this week for the first time in months since I've been on the road, so of course I'm apprehensive over that even though I trust him and he's given no indication in the several months we've worked together so far that he doesn't understand me and my disorder. I've been considering filing for ADA status because I may be going back to school in the fall after I move across the country for the third time in just over a year. And I know after another move I'll be a wreck and probably need accommodation. I only got through my BA by the grace of very kind instructors. I've also been considering a service dog, but the research I've done pulls up training services mostly for veterans, not civilian sufferers, and I couldn't afford the costs without help. I'm also not sure given the few social activities I actually DO whether it would be a constant fight due to people not understanding the legal protections. My T and I also haven't talked about what he thinks of either of those things. So that's just more stress the way I am now. I also have to decide whether to tell him I relapsed into pretty serious self injury over all of this.
The good new is I'm making progress with my coursework (very slowly, but I'm not too far behind). But I know winter in New England will be hard for me and even without snow on the ground it's difficult for me to go out and get groceries or just get out of the house. I made myself go to a Barnes and Noble for a little while two days ago, just to prove to myself I could do it but I got so jumpy and overstimulated I basically spent all day yesterday recovering and failing at making homework progress.
I know it's only until May, but I'm really worried I'm going to be unable to find or hold a job, be generally non-functioning, get behind in my program, or get kicked out of the house and have no where to go (given that I don't really trust friends at the moment). And I know that's not rational but I've been in fight or flight off and on for probably a couple weeks.
Sorry for the long rambling post, but maybe someone here can offer a little clarity, advice, or just support. I'm really struggling right now.
I'm now living with a very new friend, her two small children and house full of pets for the next 6 months while I finish a program near her. Not only is the situation super chaotic and overwhelming, but I can't shake that I'm either in everyone's way or I'm the creepy person who lives in their basement and comes up and bakes things for them every once in a while. The cats and I basically hide in the basement while the house breaks into chaos when the children get up in the morning or when they come home from sports practice. I'm thankful for the place to live, but it's really difficult to adjust to. Her boyfriend who stays some nights and weekends is also very sexist due to his culture and constantly says things that either trigger or enrage me.
I'm trying to find a job in the area, but I'm symptomatic enough it's proving difficult. I found a really small dojo where I like the instructor but I'm really terrified to go and feel like because there are so many skilled people I'll be a detriment to other's training. I know the dojo is really keen on helping new students, but I just can't feel anything other than that I'm a bumbling fool holding everyone else back.
I'm meeting with my T via Skype this week for the first time in months since I've been on the road, so of course I'm apprehensive over that even though I trust him and he's given no indication in the several months we've worked together so far that he doesn't understand me and my disorder. I've been considering filing for ADA status because I may be going back to school in the fall after I move across the country for the third time in just over a year. And I know after another move I'll be a wreck and probably need accommodation. I only got through my BA by the grace of very kind instructors. I've also been considering a service dog, but the research I've done pulls up training services mostly for veterans, not civilian sufferers, and I couldn't afford the costs without help. I'm also not sure given the few social activities I actually DO whether it would be a constant fight due to people not understanding the legal protections. My T and I also haven't talked about what he thinks of either of those things. So that's just more stress the way I am now. I also have to decide whether to tell him I relapsed into pretty serious self injury over all of this.
The good new is I'm making progress with my coursework (very slowly, but I'm not too far behind). But I know winter in New England will be hard for me and even without snow on the ground it's difficult for me to go out and get groceries or just get out of the house. I made myself go to a Barnes and Noble for a little while two days ago, just to prove to myself I could do it but I got so jumpy and overstimulated I basically spent all day yesterday recovering and failing at making homework progress.
I know it's only until May, but I'm really worried I'm going to be unable to find or hold a job, be generally non-functioning, get behind in my program, or get kicked out of the house and have no where to go (given that I don't really trust friends at the moment). And I know that's not rational but I've been in fight or flight off and on for probably a couple weeks.
Sorry for the long rambling post, but maybe someone here can offer a little clarity, advice, or just support. I'm really struggling right now.
