Relationship Isolation mode

[Inkbaby]

So I've been in a relationship with my fella for 5 months now. Things were going great with us, until a little over a week ago. I haven't seen him in over a week which we normally see each other almost every day, not really replying to texts much (after the first few days he texted and apologized saying he's got a lot going on that he has to figure out), started at least calling every night for a couple days, then yesterday after he said the night before he missed me and wanted to see me he's completely ghost.. He's stressed out with this pandemic, his business is having problems, and nightmares have come back heavily. By what I have heard him talk about, I'm seeing on here, and in books regarding Combat PTSD it seems he's in isolation mode. I just don't know what to do.. Should I give space, take this as him breaking up, or continue sending a text/call once a day to let him know I'm still here?

 

[Rainman8772]

Try talking with him. I am not saying to baby him because that probably won’t work. When PTSD starts up isolating is very common. The littlest things can set you off and you get a sense of hopelessness. Where your brain can isolate each individual thing his can’t and all of it compounds. It’s like 1+1=20 not 2. When it acts up for me it is all I can do in a day to get up. Until I found a medication combination that worked for me I was in a serious hole. You are in for a long road. I wish you the best and read up as much as you can.

 

[Inkbaby]

Try talking with him. I am not saying to baby him because that probably won’t work. When PTSD starts up isolating is very common. The littlest things can set you off and you get a sense of hopelessness. Where your brain can isolate each individual thing his can’t and all of it compounds. It’s like 1+1=20 not 2. When it acts up for me it is all I can do in a day to get up. Until I found a medication combination that worked for me I was in a serious hole. You are in for a long road. I wish you the best and read up as much as you can.

Thanks. He's done some therapy, but I know it's a lifelong road. I still texted earlier today "hope you have a great day" not expecting a response. So he at least he knows I'm here when he decides to come out of his hole. Doing all the research I can to understand the best someone who isn't a sufferer can.

 

[Rainman8772]

Even then it’s hard on those around us. What helps me is getting out of the house and meds and my service dog. Even though we are pretty much on lockdown I have to get out so I don’t fall back down. It’s also stupid little things too that can throw you right back there. For instance the smell of fried chicken throws me right back. Needless to say no KFC in my future.

 

[Inkbaby]

Even then it’s hard on those around us. What helps me is getting out of the house and meds and my service dog. Even though we are pretty much on lockdown I have to get out so I don’t fall back down. It’s also stupid little things too that can throw you right back there. For instance the smell of fried chicken throws me right back. Needless to say no KFC in my future.

Luckily he's still able to work since by himself which is what he normally throws himself into HARD when gets overwhelmed/stressed/isolating.. yikes! I'll have to keep an eye out for small things that seem to trigger him like that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, I wouldn’t sweat it. Give him a little space if he’s not answering you and see what happens. It’s been literally a day since you’ve heard from him.., that’s not really in “ghost” territory yet. Listen to what he’s telling you.

he texted and apologized saying he's got a lot going on that he has to figure out

He’s explained why he’s not paying attention to you. It’s not “I don’t want to see you”, it’s that he’s got a lot going on. There are a lot of stressors right now with the pandemic, money issues AND it’s a holiday. Holidays set off a lot of vets in normal situations.

If he cannot handle his own emotions right now, he’s not going to be able to handle yours. Relationships are stress... even good ones. Paying attention to somebody else is work when you’re in survival mode. My advice is to step back, calm down, and don’t take it personally. It’s really not about you.

 

[Inkbaby]

Think he's slowly coming out of isolation. Spoke to him for a couple minutes Tuesday when I told him I was worried b/c hadn't spoken to him and he said he was just checked out. Has texted a couple times since then, but nothing more than just very brief statements.. This isolation mode of his has been going on for 2 weeks now, and I'm concerned about him, but trying to keep my head up and remind myself that it's just something he's going through and not me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Here’s a little pro-tip from somebody who has been doing this for awhile... don’t tell him you’re worried or upset about him isolating if he’s isolating and barely talking to you. That’ll make him talk to you less because of guilt, stress, or because he doesn’t want to deal with the demands. It’s not a good time for emotions or relationship talks.

Keep it light.

 

[Inkbaby]

Thank you Sweetpea for the advice. I will take it going forward.

 

[keynewt]

Should I give space, take this as him breaking up, or continue sending a text/call once a day to let him know I'm still here?

I have the same struggle with my girlfriend. I sometimes see her only every 10 days. Then I see her for like a day. Then she ghosts on me for like 2-3 days. I text as little as possible. I always text to see if I can call. It is the one thing that I struggle with. I always worry. The reason we are both here is to get support. And that is all I can do is support her. And all you can do is support him.

 

[Clarity3]

I know the feeling! Can be hard to confuse isolation for losing interest!

 

[Inkbaby]

That's exactly it! Hard to figure out the difference when I've never dealt with it like this before.