Relationship Isolation Slowly Ending.

[Becksknox]

So I orinslly posted in March when I was in the deepest pits of hell from depression bc my fiancé took off to get a job in Austin and a place for to have our little blended family move to when my children finished school. Less than a week in his cup overflowed and he broke it off and shut down completely. Of course I did the wrong clingy needy please take me back this will work crud. Then I learned from him to have patience as much as I can.

I'm moving there now in 2 weeks and though we will monger live together he is excited about me moving. I looked at texts and emails from a year ago and most are verbatim what he said last year. Now he's asking me certain questions like will I take him to the dr and be there when he needs me. I pray this means it's coming to an end but can't give up hope.

However, if I bring up the past or future questions to him he either flies into a rage or shuts down. So basically he is allowed to talk about our "relationship" but I am not. Is this where patience part on my end really comes into play? He said he needed space but then calls and texts daily like everything is normal except I have to sit there with my mouth shut. Is this mr,also?

 

[Neverthesame]

Firstly, I am glad to hear things are starting to look up again.

If I had to guess why he's so... "selective" About the discussion of unpleasantness. It might be that he is feeling a fair amount of shame about the whole thing. I know I always do afterwards.

The best way I can think to describe that feeling. It's like a child being questioned about a bad behaviour that stems from the frustration of not being able to properly articulate what is bothering them. If that makes any sense?

Oy, I am getting myself wound up trying to explain it now haha.

It's just a very uncomfortable feeling, as you feel like an asshole for pushing your loved ones away. You know that they want some answers, and deserve to hear them, especially since they were willing to put up with you again. It's just so hard to find the words. That really is the best way I can think to explain it.

Sorry, that's probably not much help.

Still, glad it is calming down for you a bit.

 

[Becksknox]

Do not doubt yourself @Neverthesame yoy perfectly made it make sense to me! So back to patience and only letting him contact me, which is daily and constantly when he wakes up until he goes to bed.

Thank you for this. He has also tried to articulate it to me but then ends up shutting down or getting angry and taking it out on me.

Thank you so Much!!!!

 

[Friday]

However, if I bring up the past or future questions to him he either flies into a rage or shuts down.

^^^^
This.

When I'm doing badly I can't have a conversation about what happened this morning, or what will happen this afternoon. Much less in a week, month, year. I can't even think about those things, much less talk about them.

I know I'm starting to get better when I can sometimes look forward or back a significant degree (a week or two) sometimes. Gradually, that begins to stretch. It takes being in a decent place for awhile before I am able to see weeks or months ahead on a regular basis. Even then, I can spin out hard, so the smart thing to do is to ask me to talk about XYZ when I can. Usually it will be within a couple weeks.

You know the whole "Live in the Moment" bullshit you see on motivational posters? Trust me. It's not all it's cracked up to be. It's really, really hard to live a normal life when you're living in the moment. But that's what survival mode is all about. Nothing exists but this moment. No future. No past. Just now.

Add in all the flashbacks & disassociation? Pfft. Forget about it. Can't even deal with now. The whole thing (time) is just one big clusterf*ck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Patience when he flies into a rage?

Yes in that you don't want to escalate it, no in that it's unacceptable behavior you need to shield your children from at all costs. Why are you willing to subject your children to such behavior? I don't understand that.

 

[Peach]

So glad things are looking up for you! :)

However, if I bring up the past or future questions to him he either flies into a rage or shuts down. So basically he is allowed to talk about our "relationship" but I am not. Is this where patience part on my end really comes into play? He said he needed space but then calls and texts daily like everything is normal except I have to sit there with my mouth shut. Is this mr,also?

That is a very difficult situation to be in, walking the line between being supportive and letting him walk all over you. When you figure it out, let me know! Lol

I'm dealing with something similar myself right now. My guy and I had a talk about our future a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I went about telling him how I felt the wrong way. Long story. Anyway, he responded. I wrote him back to try to alleviate his fears and keep the conversation going, he said he had already answered clearly (definitely had not) and the subject was, therefore, closed. I could tell he was shutting down, but I wasn't done with the conversation yet and while I am compassionate and considerate about his PTSD, I also won't stand for (or try very hard not to) being a second class citizen because of it. So I calmly apologized that he thought it was over, explained myself, and tried to smooth over his feathers. He did end up shutting down and hiding from me, but he's getting his head back together now and I think we're almost out of the woods.

 

[Becksknox]

Patience when he flies into a rage?

Yes in that you don't want to escalate it, no in that it's unacceptable behavior you need to shield your children from at all costs. Why are you willing to subject your children to such behavior? I don't understand that.

When we are together and everything is perfect. My children adore him and he is never ugly to me or them. His episodes hit when we are apart. They've never been like this when we are together. He Nagy ask me to lay with him while cries but in way is he a threat to my children. They don't even notice. He also has a deadly autoimmune disease he got in Iraq so they just think he doesn't feel good from that. He is better and more bonded to them than their father has ever been

I'm going to visit him this weekend and the following Saturday we will have a 26 hour drive to move me there. It's when we are apart that he falls apart.

 

[Becksknox]

I'm praying a lot and all I hear spoken to me is patience and this is the toughest lesson I've even learned.

 

[Becksknox]

At the point he's at now I can tell he is slowly coming out of it. Asking me reassuring questions to know I'll always be there for him. Last year I write him a long letter about our whole relationship and told him I needed to heal and I would contact him when I was ready. That was a Thursday. He made it until Monday to call me and say he only wanted me and didn't want to lose me.

I'm considering doing it again but now that it's PTSD I'm scared its pressure and I'll push him farther away. I just want him to see my feelings and know that is not broken alone. I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse but thru years of counseling I've learned to control it.

Is a letter wrong?

 

[Becksknox]

Yes in that you don't want to escalate it, no in that it's unacceptable behavior you need to shield your children from at all costs. Why are you willing to subject your children to such behavior? I don't understand that.[/QUOTE]

My children love him and adore and receive love him after they went thru an abusive relationship with their dad. I mean disrespect in this statement, but he is truly the love of my life and I'm afraid there will never be another like him. We both let our guards down and shared everything. I've never been able to do that and at 42 that's a big deal. These horrible episodes have only happened when we are apart. I move in 2 weeks and though we will not live together thus time. Last week he texted that he loves me. He is extremely guarded with his words that took a lot for him to do.

I just can't give up on him no matter how much I sometimes I want to.