Issue With A Close Friend.

[InHell11]

I am not really focusing on any inner dialogue about it, its just the pain it caused me is still very real no matter how much I try to distract myself or move on from it and focus on other things. Even in my sleep I cant escape since I dream about it along with a bunch of other disturbing crap. I am also afraid to take any more psych meds aside from my trazadone which I use on occasion for sleep and anxiety other then that I try to go the herbal route, I don't want to risk that sort of thing again so I don't plan on it any more dangerous meds.

I was actually feeling pretty numb for a few weeks after I got out of the psych ward...so in the past couple weeks its been hitting me pretty hard what the meds did to me and all the pain, anger and fear of what could have happened that goes along with it. Its a lot for me to try and process especially when prozac I had a few years before caused a bad reaction and even the wellbutrin they switched me to in the psych ward after taking me of the clonzepam caused a bad reaction, luckily that time after I got out I saw a psychiatrist who had me quit taking it and the nasty effects from it went away.

I think I would have had better control if I wasn't on it.

Also, I have apologized, so it would be redundant to do that again, I probably will anyways if not excessively though then it becomes borderline beating myself up over it.

What's so disturbing about the whole thing is I was not aware of the signs, I was oblivious to all the negative effects it was having on me. At least with the two anti-depressants I didn't do well with I was more aware of the negative effects so more able to say 'I need to do something about this medication because its having some nasty effects.'

Also, I don't mean any offense whatsoever but I like most here do have PTSD and from my understanding one of the key problems with that disorder is it makes it difficult to process stressful things like that and move on from it. So I hope you understand I can by no means just up and stop focusing on the past, I mean even if I do make an effort it still effects me the unwanted memories, dreams and such. I just feel that whole experience just added to already existing trauma making it even harder to process it. Basically I know this here was not the cause of the PTSD but I feel already having the PTSD makes it that much harder to process let alone move on from.

As for the future it seems pretty bleak so I guess too much focusing on it is quite depressing.. Sometimes the moment is ok if its not to overshadowed by my symptoms or past.

 

[InHell11]

This is eating away at you and the longer you leave it the harder it will be to deal with.

He knows what happens, he was there and we have talked about it, basically I apologized he explained I had a pretty bad night and last time we talked he said we should get together again sometime. I just have not been able to talk to him yet since that call because I still feel badly about it and need some more time. He already knows I don't remember much of what happened.

I am not so sure I can keep from letting it happen again, I mean sure that wont happen again since I wont take any more clonzepam or other psych meds aside from the occasional trazadone for sleep and anxiety. But things can still get rather out of hand even without any bad reactions to meds.

Also, the meds themselves were causing problems even before I drank on them and are part of why I did it as well. The only real way to really prevent something like that is refuse any more psych meds which I am fine with. Not so sure all the mental health professionals I might have to deal within life will be though.

Anyways, thanks for the comments, it's true it would benefit me to be done with this...I just really don't know how to get it out of my head.

 

[saffy]

its just the pain

Is it physical or mental pain? Mental pain is your thoughts, your inner dialogue. That is just the way I see it.

Also, I have apologized,

That takes courage to face the unknown reaction of the other person. How did they react?

I would think you only have to apologise once.

I don't mean any offence whatsoever but I like most here do have PTSD

No offence taken we all do and are trying to improve our lives by whatever means.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[InHell11]

Oh I see what you mean, I thought you meant something more specific by inner dialogue I suppose though it is mental pain it doesn't always feel that way. That makes more sense though.

They reacted fine and were understanding, but it still is bothering me, I will probably at least call soon but I still feel like going and spending any time with him just yet would be too much I am not sure exactly why.

Also, I suppose that is true, I just feel like I am not getting anywhere with anything most of the time and am not so sure if things can actually improve.

 

[saffy]

I still feel like going and spending any time with him just yet

you must take as much time as you need. Use this time to do other things. When you are ready you will know.

I just feel like I am not getting anywhere with anything most of the time

This shows you are still thinking about what happened and this is taking focus off other things so you do not put in as much effort to do things. 'Your mind is on other things', so to say. :( No wonder things seem to have come to a halt, you are not ready to move forward. You will be :)

It is a shame that your best friend can forgive you but you cannot forgive yourself. If it were the other way round would you forgive your friend? He might think you have not accepted his forgiveness? You don't need to see him but you could let him know you are still a friend and are thinking of him, maybe?

I hope things get better for you real quick so you can move on from this. It will be hard but will get easier. :hug:


best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[InHell11]

I've more or less forgiven myself for my part in it, so not sure why its lingering so much. I think If anything I put more effort into things in an attempt to distract myself from whats going on in my head(the past or fears about the future)...I mean its more that it feels like I try very hard at most things I do but still seem to fail or not get anywhere.

I'll probably talk to him soon to at least let him know that and I will settle for things not getting worse, at least for a while since I seem mostly able to handle my current stress level for the time being.

 

[Abstract]

I wonder if some of this is the fear that is brought up from feeling so out of control and possibly judging yourself that it was possible and that you were not aware of it happening. I can understand that. I think it is frightening when we feel we are not in control.

Remember that you did not intend any harm and did none of this on purpose. I hope you find some peace soon.