General Issue With In-law

[Fembot]

Have any of you dealt with disrespectful in-laws who, in my HO, are taking out their guilt, angst, regret, anger, confusion, hurt, etc. on you, the caregiving spouse, for missing the signs of their child's, now adult, traumas?

I don't know how else to explain my in-law's constant picking, challenging, meanness, public attempts at belittling me since learning of my spouse's childhood traumas. I don't know what else would explain the behavior. NOTE: none of these traumas where caused by his parents, but by outside/third parties, so certainly don't blame them for same.

I have kept a lid on it for the past 9 years (since spouse evidenced and began therapy), but this past year I am growing weary of the bullcrap and snide comments. I am braking my arse trying to keep our family afloat, and to be met with disrespect for it, is fast grating on my last nerve.

The in-law is a know it all, and is amping up both the alcohol consumption and rude comments every time we see them. Spouse already has too much to deal with and is in no position to challenge his parents, and also thinks I should just walk away/not engage. I am tired of walking away as a grown person who has every right to be out in public and enjoy what LITTLE recreational time I can get without being verbally challenged no matter what the subject. I was tempted to change the subject to child birthing and ask him to ring in on his position on various child birth methods, since he is a pro on all other topics.

Any suggestions/ideas humbly appreciated before I say something I will later regret/cause an issue between my spouse and I for so doing.

 

[Mallaky]

May I ask what they do/say?

 

[Fembot]

Sure...doesn't matter the subject, FIL will cross the room, infuse himself into the discussion and sometimes, quite literally, tell me "you don't know what you are talking about". It is embarrassing, and there is NO way to win any conversation with him. Alcohol is ALWAYS involved (him, not me), and he has done this in front of neighbors, family and friends. Sent my sister packing into another room after doing same to her years ago. IOWS, not just me, but very persistent with me.

 

[Fembot]

Granted, we don't see him often, but if more than a few hours and a few drinks, he is impossible to talk to. Seriously, you could be talking crochet stitches, the weather, anything, and he will be disagreeable which escalates to rude in a hot 2 minutes

 

[Fembot]

It is only my guess that it centers around him processing the traumas and perhaps resenting me for shouldering same/protecting his child v. him, but not sure why I am the target, nor how to deal with him any longer without being rude or not talking to him at all.

 

[Fembot]

Could be something altogether different that he is dealing with, but seems to have amplified with finding out about the PTSD/our family's struggles dealing with same.

 

[Fembot]

One family member once said to me, "have you ever thought about pursuing "X" as a career, you were so good at it"(something I used to do recreationally before becoming a mom, and well before my spouse's problems were known)... and he jumped in before I could open my mouth and said, "she isn't good enough to make a living doing that". Just constant jabs and pronouncements of belitllement. I ignored him, and commented to the other family member, "thank you for the compliment... but oh no, too many years out of the game to get back to the level I once was, and it was certainly not a family supporting endeavor, but did provide some nice pocket change and was quite a bit of fun."

 

[Mallaky]

Wow, yeah, I know the type.

Grumpy old f*cks, aggressive "discussion" techniques, only ever negative right? Drinking A LOT.

This is honest to god a total copy of the behaviour of my partner's father. He got cancer, treatment went well, and now drinks and smokes less. His behaviour cleared right up, he is downright human in comparison to the single minded adroid programmed to loudly criticize anything he could possibly have something negative to say about.

You cannot reason with these people. Cannot be done. They are louder, they are meaner, they have no ounce of civil behaviour left in them and their logic is a circular joke. It is shocking and sad, but their level of self controll is less then that of a little child sitting infront of chocolate pudding. "Eat, Eat, EAT!!" thinks the child. "BITCH, MOAN; COMPLAIN." goes the old bastard.

I was done, DONE, with that f*cking disgrace when he screamed at me, someone 30 years younger then him, that I am a stupid asshole. I told him he drank too much.

There is nothing to be done here. Nothing to be said. I strongly suggest you dont even try, unless you are eager for a big big scene. You really need to remove either him or yourself, it is the only language that they can understand. Otherwise this will continue. Write a letter? "There will be no contact, until this stops." I hope your situation allows for that kind of decision.

edit: It's alcoholism.

 

[Fembot]

I am very sorry for your experience Mallaky. Crotchety is the word for it I think. LOL

Alcoholism walks hand in hand with an underlying issue. Something is eating at him to drink and in turn be the obnoxious arse that he can be when so doing. He did let on, in a sober hour, that he was concerned about Alzheimer disease which his mother had. But why be mean to me (let alone anyone else). Still say he has an underlying problem which surfaces when drinking.

 

[Mallaky]

But crotchet is such great, great fun! I need to pick it up again. Im not even joking. :roflmao:

Here is the way I see it:
Years and years and years of very regular, big doses of alcohol transforms people into rage monster. They bounce and bounce between agressive depression and sad depression. Whatever is the cause, emotionell, physicall, and so on does not really matter at this point.

Its all just alcoholism and a million, million excuses. Its where it starts and where it ends. I was on the verge of it, so I think can talk about it a bit.

When you get into that up and down bounce of it, nothing else is real, nothing matters, but the extreme whims of your mind. There are a thousand excuses, thousand possibilites of why one might drink one's arse to high heavens, but you dont feel that. There is of course tremendous emotion in play. But its not the PTSD that made me so angry when I was drinking, it was the drinking. It was not depression that made cry for hours (before or after the agression returned) when I was drinking, it was the alcohol. It is not the fear of alzheimer that has to do with anything, it is his alcholism that makes him unable to cope with the thought, maybe even makes him have it in the first place. Does he have any reason to be concerned?

Oh, of course excessive drinking can cause alheimer like symptoms! See what I mean?

I mean, he is concerned about the Alzheimers disease his mother had? Gimme a break old man. If he is so concerned his first step would be to stop drinking, as it its linked to the disease. No, he drinks because he is an alcoholic, and that causes the anxiety that makes him think of alzheimer.

My father in law believed he drank because his kids dont spend as much time with him as he likes. Why does this forum not have a "roll my eyes" smiley?

Now he drinks less, spending time with him is not torture anymore, and he really said: "See? The kids are here, no I dont have to drink so much."

:mad:
Goddamit dude.

 

[Friday]

I don't know how else to explain my in-law's constant picking, challenging, meanness, public attempts at belittling me since learning of my spouse's childhood traumas. I don't know what else would explain the behavior.

Because that's the same kind of attitude that could easily lead to missing the signs of trauma to begin with, & that's just the kind of people who they are?

My own family has an aspect of that... They're incredibly loving BUT they accept absolutely nothing in the way of "excuses". Dyslexia is no excuse not to read faster, kind of pig-headed insistence on "personal accountability". Sigh. Really, they're smart / educated/ kind people aside from this slavish adherence to reasons = excuses = no. It is very much that kind of attitude that doesn't let them see their grandson reacting like an abused & neglected child, but "instead" he's "just" being XYZ. Which needs to stop. Now. No excuses, don't blame anyone but yourself, I don't want to hear it! Argh. And then they're constantly baffled why he's not excited to go to his father's, or to talk about his time there, etc. :banghead: And then they get mad at him for not sharing, but chastise him if he shares anything negative or non-enthusiastic. Meeting with "need to respect your father, blah blah blah" & insist that him saying he hasn't eaten in 3 days is an exaggeration, or that the punishment is obviously made up :wtf:

"There are none so blind as those who will not see."

 

[Mallaky]

BUT they accept absolutely nothing in the way of "excuses"

which, funnily enough, is of course their excuse to not having to learn how the world really works, outside their dreamy fairyland. Eugh. Stuff like this hurts, especially when they are otherwise decent people.

A variation: Lost my best friend. Smart guy. Total inability to accept anything that he did not deem logical. He did not understand why I could not conquer my demons with logic. In the end, empathy did the trick for me. And again I want that "roll my eyes" smiley.