Issues With Therapist

[Deleted member 28942]

My post about this got deleted by accident something with the server. Anyhow, I've been having some issues with my therapists. I got some support here and also from my friends. I just sent her an email:

"Since the last session, I am angry at you. The session was great and unlocked my ability, to be honest, and direct with you. You've got me quite far and healed me already. However, here are things that bothered me:

1. There are no set goals in therapy.
2. Sessions are not focused enough. I want each session to be on a specific memory and to be resolved using EMDR. I want only EMDR in the session. I don't want mindfulness or experiential stuff or anything else. EMDR works for me great and I don't see a reason why I should experiment with other stuff.
3. I come prepared each session to work on a memory and I want to start right away. I don't want to chit chat about how I feel or how my week has been. I don't need validation from you I want memory processing.
4. Sessions are expensive and I am paying (out of pocket) for the sessions. I want them focused on targets.
5. I don't want to pay for "integration session". I am mad at you cause last summer before I left we had an integration session but you did not tell me upfront about it, and afterward, I felt duped but it also felt like it is too late. If you were to tell me that you want an integration session I would have told you no. Cause I am paying for the sessions. I feel like that is a waste of time and money.
6. I need you to be direct honest and open with me. That way I can be direct honest and open with you.
7. I need to know what is an appropriate way to communicate with you outside of therapy. Is it OK at all? If I have feedback that I want to send you about a session is it OK to send you email? Can I expect a response from you or you want to do that in therapy (I don't want to pay for this)? Be upfront and direct about your policies.
8. I do feel like I need to read your mind sometimes because you try to state everything in a positive non-judgemental way. For me, that is not direct. I need direct communication and quick resolution of issues.

I am frustrated and angry and I already decided that this summer I am not having Skype sessions with you. I don't want to do that. I am interviewing EMDR therapists in Montreal for the summer. I already got a response. I even asked around and found potential replacement therapists in Morgantown that do EDMR are focused and charge less.

I think you are very gifted therapists when it comes to EMDR, feelings, body sensations, and observing the body. You are very strong on being present with difficult emotions that come during therapy but I need focus. Therapy is expensive for me and I want it to be driven. Our relationship is client-therapist and it is a healing relationship but it is also a business for you and costly for me. I can't help but think that some of the decisions you do are driven by money and this is breaking my trust. I believe that I am more business savvy and you are making some bad decisions regarding a good client - me :-D

I can own my part about not speaking up earlier about this stuff but in I am a client in need of help who expects my therapists has my best interest in mind. Talking the talk and walking the walk is not the same."

 

[Deleted member 28942]

What do you think?
How do you communicate with your therapist? Do you tell them this kind of stuff?

 

[Justmehere]

It's clear, direct, says what you need and still also expresses appreciation for her work with you.

Your requests are reasonable and you seem to allow for some flexibility to meet your needs. She now has the chance to let you know what she can and can't do.

I think you gave your therapist a lot of very helpful information that will hopefully help her help you even more. Well done.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Could've been written with more tact for sure. Sounds pretty hurtful like you're talking to a machine and not a person. I get that you're angry but damn. Poor therapist. You have valid points but the delivery is kinda harsh.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Could've been written with more tact for sure. Sounds pretty hurtful like you're talking to a...

If we were friends or partners fine. But I am a client and I am paying for the sessions. I don't want to drag forever and keep paying for sessions to work on communication issues. As a therapist, she has some responsibility to communicate clearly and she does not. I don't want to pay her money to sit down with her and teach her how to communicate effectively or how to set clear goals in therapy. I already did a large part of the work on coming prepared to therapy each session and choosing which memories and negative beliefs I want to work on. It is preventing my growth when she can't follow my pace. I can accept if she says no and sets firm boundaries then I can accept what is possible or move to another therapist. Some feedback in life is harsh. You can't sugar coat everything. In the past, I have valued people that are not afraid to communicate with me directly honestly and openly. People like me because I am direct and to the point and I don't want to change that about me and go into some vague communication style. Who said that compassion is easy.

 

[Fayne Jane]

I am in EMDR therapy and would never do it via Skype it is to intense for me. My therapist is a Trauma Specialist trained in EMDR and always gives me full control of whether I want to continue, take a break, offers me other strategies. She is willing to work with me on the level I am at. I would not accept anything less. I would shop for a new therapist. I won't go to any Dr. Dentist or therapist that doesn't feel right to me. I started EMDR with one man on my insurance plan and it became clear to me he didn't know what he was doing scheduling me out 6 weeks at a time when I need to be seen at least once a week and found another therapist that clearly gets that.

 

[Suzetig]

I need to know what is an appropriate way to communicate with you outside of therapy. Is it OK at all? If I have feedback that I want to send you about a session is it OK to send you email? Can I expect a response from you or you want to do that in therapy (I don't want to pay for this)? Be upfront and direct about your policies.

So, you want to offer her "feedback" via email but don't want to discuss it - because you don't want to pay for it? The feedback process, discussion about the relationship, goal setting, fine tuning communication are all part of the therapeutic work - they set the foundations for emdr and the memory processing you want to do. It all belongs in session and, yes, should all be paid for because you're taking her time and expertise.

It sounds like you do want an emdr "machine" who will do the processing in session and be paid but without any of the therapeutic holding or relationship. It think your email is direct and it's ok to ask for what you want but I do think it's disrespectful to think that your T should deal with email feedback etc in her own time. Compassion may not be easy but I don't see any compassion in your email to her.

 

[Rumors]

What suzetig said... You don't want to pay her for what is considered part of the therapeutic process. It's one thing to know what your goals are and communicating those in a manner that is mature and healthy. What you sent to your therapist verges on being a bully. Using the excuse that it is some sort of business relationship and it is black and white and no gray area might be a starting place for you in therapy.
I am in business for myself and have a fair amount of business dealings for large sums of money. Large sums.... No way would I do business, or partner, with someone that spoke to me the way you did to your therapist. That doesn't reflect a partnership. It reflects to me someone that needs to do it their way without question. There is a fine line communicating needs and crossing over to controlling the process. Just my opinion.... I realize someone else may look at it differently. I wanted to comment on a business level since you brought that in to the mix.

 

[kilted]

You write........."you try to state everything in a positive non-judgemental way. For me, that is not direct. I need direct communication and quick resolution of issues."

It sounds like you think being "direct" can involve being judgemental and negative and you want your therapist to validate your way of communicating.... but the LAST thing a good trauma therapist will be is judgemental and negative.... so you're going to have trouble finding a good one who fits your view of "direct".

There is quite a bit of "I'm paying therefore you do what I want". This type of email/letter will be water off a ducks back to a good therapist.... they will be reading between the lines and seeing the defences, fears, projections, learned behaviours writ large. Your therapist will continue to be non-judgemental and positive, because that's her job, she will probably continue to do other things apart from EMDR because that's what she feels you need. If you want to do just EMDR and find someone cheaper, that's your decision, but from what you've written that might be avoiding something important in your work that you are not yet aware of.

If you recognise that what you have written is a therapeutically positive sign and follow it up with ..... "but I still want to work with you to explore why these things mean so much to me" you'll potentially be on a fruitful track....as long as your therapist is as smart as you think they are.

 

[barefoot]

What do you think?
How do you communicate with your therapist? Do you tell them this kind of stuff?

Yes, I would discuss these kinds of things with my therapist. Reviewing how therapy is going, checking in with each other, expressing needs to the therapist, setting boundaries together, working through any misunderstandings or ruptures in the therapeutic alliance....I think these are all important parts of the process and therefore important parts of the work.

Have you brought any of these concerns up with your therapist before? If you have mentioned these things repeatedly and you still feel you are not getting what you need from her, I can understand how you are feeling increasingly frustrated.

You mentioned in your email a session you had last summer, which makes me think that perhaps this email is the first time you have raised your concerns?

Personally, I think these things are best worked through together, face-to-face in session. And, yes, if sessions are expensive, it can sometimes feel irritating to be spending money to sit week after week discussing the therapeutic relationship/communication/how things are working between you both. But, as I said, I think this is very much part of the work/process, so I wouldn't expect a therapist to offer me a free session to talk it through. If it was something that came up repeatedly and we really were spending way more sessions talking about our relationship than talking about the things I wanted to work on, perhaps then I would consider if she was the right therapist for me.

I will sometimes email mine with this kind of stuff, to give her a heads up and also to make myself accountable to actually bringing it up with her in person. But I will write the mails in a clear but neutral tone - basically briefly outlining something and then saying it would be good if we can touch on this at the start of the next session or something.

I definitely think it is a good idea to express frustrations etc in therapy. And direct, straightforward communication is important to me, too.
To be honest - seeing as you asked what we think - I think the tone of your email is direct to the point of bluntness, to the point of coming across as pretty aggressive, controlling and blamey. It feels like a list of accusations and the bit about looking for a new therapist from the summer feels a bit like an ultimatum...I'm not sure what response you think you will get to your email

If you are expecting an email (or a free session) from your therapist in which she will simply agree to do each of the points you make about what you want and where she is going wrong, I think you are going to be disappointed. I don't see that happening.

If you are willing to enter in to a more equal discussion to further explore the points you raised, the anger/frustration you feel with her, your reluctance to want the more relational aspects of the work, the impact on you when you feel that people are not being honest with you etc there may be a helpful and interesting discussion to be had and your therapeutic alliance may be strengthened. I suspect you don't really want to do that though if you are set on only doing EMDR.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I don't agree with that. I want her to be honest about her policies and therapy and how she wants to work and to measure progress. She has never expressed that and it bothers me. She can't be honest about her policies. And yes I feel like a bully because she is not setting boundaries with me on what is OK and what is not. And yes she reminds me of my mom too much cause she is extremely nice but does not communicate some stuff directly with me.

I like to do EMDR because I can measure the progress easily. I have set of negative beliefs about myself such as:

• The is something wrong with me.
• I am ugly.
• I am a disappointment.
• I don't look like human, etc

I know these beliefs and memories and I want this belief to be resolved. If they are resolved I will feel good about myself. I do have other stuff to work on like intimacy issues but first I want to remove the negative beliefs about self-defectiveness. I tell her each session what I want to work on and she shifts into a different direction. I have to be direct and blunt. There have been sessions where she would use the whole session to ONLY prepare for processing EMDR target and next session to do the processing. It is expensive as hell. Don't tell me about being a bully when I know that some of the things she did were about money. She kept pushing me to have online sessions last summer by saying it is good for me. She did saw that I have a hard time saying NO and she ignored that and put her needs above mine. When I came back from the summer she did not ask me about whether I think they are effective or not she just said: "It is good for you to touch up during the summer." I did not think that but she does not ask me what I think about it and to be honest with her. Therapists have unresolved issues too. I am not the only one with the issues here. Therapists have a responsibility to tell me how they are gonna track progress and she has never communicated that with me. I track progress by the number of negative beliefs and memories I have about myself being resolved, and about how I feel about myself. Since we resolved few of the memories using EMDR I feel great. The pain in my back is gone, I wake up happier and more driven to do things. I tell her this every session but she strays away into other areas. I tell her I appreciate her insights during EMDR. I tell her that she is a good therapist. I tell her this works for me and I want her to really hear that.

I have a lot of experience giving and receiving honest feedback. I am an instructor and loved by my students because I collect their feedback every few weeks and I encourage them, to be honest, and tell me what works and what does not work. I do the same when working in corporations. I tell people when it is OK to give me feedback and on what. I ask them about what works and what does not. As a therapist, she has a responsibility to tell me when and where I can give her feedback and what I can give her feedback about. This way if we reached to a point where I see it as a personality difference and staggering growth I can leave the relationship by pursuing another therapist or we can strengthen it by improving the relationships and trust. Otherwise, I am left in a limbo.

 

[whiteraven]

And yes I feel like a bully

Sounds like maybe you need to work on this first.

I email my therapist all the time. But we have (or had, we are taking a break right now) a very honest, straightforward relationship. And I am blunt with him. If I am uncomfortable with something we are doing in therapy, I tell him but I don't ever demand that we do things a certain way and I don't try to bully him into submission. I could. I am the paying customer here. And we actually have some issues that anger me as well, so sometimes I want to just blast him out of the water. But he's a human being and he is doing the best he can, so I don't. What I do is I frame my needs in a way that is need-based and compassionate. And if he doesn't get it, if he still is unable to meet my needs, then I take a break from him and re-evaluate my time with him.

Your email was aggressive, hostile, very controlling, and reads like an "I'm the customer, the customer is always right" sort of missive. That speaks more to your stuff than hers. I don't know anything about EMDR, but from what others have said here, the additional work she wants you to do sounds like it's a part of the process. Have you discussed its necessity with her? Have you done any additional research on it? And, do you have any understanding of why she might want to include some of those other things, in addition to the EMDR? Maybe it's helping in some areas of your life, but you seem to have some other ones that could use some help...

Sorry, but as I said, I tend to be blunt.