Issues With Wife Having Male Friends

[Lady of Longbourn]

Honestly all I really see here is alcohol leading to poor judgment and I don't understand why there can't be a compromise (something that doesn't include alcohol).

 

[Friday]

As a PTSD chick whose friends are almost universally men...
Whose ego says, sure some of them wanted in my pants...
(But WTFO, not gonna happen! I take my promises seriously. Period.)
Who never cheated on her husband...

Who was married to a man whose friends were almost universally women...
Who did cheat on me...
(Prick. Lying betraying bastard.)

Yep. I can see the dilemma.

From both sides. Paranoia is a motherf*cker.
But if your wife is a cop, or works in a male dominated field? (I was military)
Trying to ban opposite sex friendships is not only controlling... But career killing.

There's no easy answer here, man.
Wish there was.

 

[Nate24]

She is a teacher

 

[Em C.]

She knows how bad it affects me but would rather continue to do it rather than not. I try hard to b ok w it but I can not control my anxiety.

I used to feel this way too. My (now ex) boyfriend and I compromised with his going out less. I totally understand where you are coming from and believe that compromise might be necessary for both of you (and it sounds like you arw roking on it). However unfair it is, I think the onus is on you because you are the one who is upset by it. I'm not sure about you, but when I get into a really bad PTSD state I have lots of triggers-- while your wife should understand and respect your triggers, its not fair on your relationship for her to act in a way that avoids all of them. I too was constantly worried that my boyfriend would be drinking and cheat or get drunk and die even though, logically, I knew I had no reason to suspect this and that it was up to me to change my reactions. He and I would discuss beforehand where he was going and who with and I would message him every couple hours to make sure he was okay and this became our middle ground. I'm very sorry for what you are going through and I know that trust especially with PTSD is hard to come by. I think it is great that you are doing your best to be okay with it, but "would rather continue to do it rather than not" sounds like you are blaming her. While I'm with everyone else that going out drinking isn't ideal, this could be her way to take a break from life. I think you should talk to her about *why* she goes out drinking and maybe find some sort of middle ground (she goes a bit less often and you accompany her a bit more often).

I sincerely wish you the best of luck; I know how badly paranoia and anxiety can take a toll.

 

[Powder]

This sounds like an intolerable situation. Truth is, there are other ways to get her social needs met that are not so risky and upsetting. I don't think you are unreasonable, but perhaps she thinks you are. She has social needs, but she could find less upsetting ways to meet them or come to a reasonable compromise.

Would she be willing to go see a couple's therapist?

I hate to say it, but in these kinds of situations, your wife needs to hear from an objective third party the effect this will have if it continues. This would be an issue even if you didn't have PTSD, assumedly, based on the fact that your experience tells you it's not a good situation to be in for either of you.

I hope you can get her to the table to air this with someone who can shed some light on why this won't work as a lifestyle.

 

[shimmerz]

She knows how bad it affects me but would rather continue to do it rather than not.

I would never put my spouse or SO in a position like this. This is cruel in my opinion. I would have to be in a pretty special head set in order to walk out the door, leaving my SO behind when I knew this was hurting them. Uh uh, no way, no how.

 

[Nate24]

Thank you all for the input! It truly helped me through a very tough time when I was away from home and dealing with this issue. I love the fact I can get several different independent points of view here. It is definitely a situation we are going to have to work out somehow, and I believe we can. Thank you!

 

[Powder]

Is it possible that she is a more extroverted/talker type, and you like to be private and more introverted type, aside from careers and PTSD? I heard a talk by a trauma PTSD psychiatrist who said that trauma/stressors force this major difference in ways of handling stress into the forefront. The talker needs to verbalize and air everything over and over, and the private one needs it NOT to be disclosed, or to be kept in a private intimacy at home.

These kinds of dynamics get out of sync and blown into new proportions. She may need to talk, but if that could be accomplished in a less chaotic manner, such as in couple's therapy, a small group, or anywhere you feel supported, safe, and not intruded in on, that would be a better way.

I wish you well and also, like service members who go abroad, thank you for your service.

In my unsafe childhood, my neighborhood cops and my D.A.R.E. officer made me feel safe and that there were a few good men and women in the world to turn to in times of need.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I can unfortunately relate to this. Because of the way I was raised, I wouldn't consider having any male friends. I just consider it inappropriate to have close male friends if you are in a serious relationship, it just wasn't something I saw done growing up. Too much potential for cheating, especially if alcohol is involved in any way. I am not saying this is the right thing to do, I am just saying that is how I feel and how I do things.

My husband on the other hand was raised in a progressive environment and sees no issue with friends of the opposite sex. He in fact feels that the significant other shouldn't even see it as a concern because he plans to be faithful.

Enter a female friend of my husbands. I had reason to believe she was interested in him, she was the type of girl he would be interested in and she had incredibly poor boundaries. It caused conflict for a long time, a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. We finally agreed that I would go on the next outing with them but the next outing never transpired. I think he finally started to understand a little of what I was saying about her and also realized that my feelings and our relationship were more important.

I'd feel hurt if they started to hang out again but just like before, I wouldn't stop him from hanging out with her. There just would have to be some limits, like I am invited sometimes and he listens to understand how her behavior comes across.

 

[Powder]

realized that my feelings and our relationship were more important.

I really like this phrase because it took me so long to begin to be in tune on this kind of thing. Until I did, also, things were out of tune for me.

 

[Changing4Best]

@Nate24 I can only add my own experiences here, but in my case, having a male friend lead to some huge problems in my marriage. My husband bent over backwards not to be jealous, but it nearly ruined our marriage when I had a male friend. This man had the hots for me and I could not break loose from the relationship, even though we did not have sexual relations. Still it was an unhealthy thing for me and our marriage. I can look back with 20/20 hindsight and wish I had never had that friendship. It was unhealthy!

I say speak up, take a stand and tell her that you don't want her to do that anymore! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[still_i_rise]

Supporter here. I also have a fair number of male friends and work colleagues. I sometimes end up going out for drinks with the guys when I'm on the road. I don't get drunk. Just a drink or two. When I'm at home, I would never think of going out without at least asking if he wanted to join me. Sometimes he joins me, sometimes he doesn't

What would I do if my husband told me he didn't want me hanging out with X?

Part of me thinks that nobody should have any right to tell me who I should or should not hang out with.

However, the supporter in me would not want to add to my husband's stress cup and knowingly do something that would cause him undue anxiety, whether or not that anxiety is founded in fact or not. It doesn't matter. We can work through it over time. For now, it's something I'm willing to accept it if he is willing accept that it is something that needs to be worked on. Does that make sense?

Talk to your wife. Don't make it about what you THINK she is doing or not doing. Share with her your insecurities and anxieties. Ask for her understanding and patience. Ask her to work this out WITH you.

I hope it works out. It's a tough one. :hug: