It Doesn't Make Sense...

[Maggiemay]

So, after experiencing pretty horrific sensory memories last week, I ended up with a bladder infection on Friday. I'm still adamant it's more than a coincidence.

I started talking about it in therapy on Monday, but she closed down the conversation pretty quickly as she said that she needed to respect the boundary that talking about the past made things worse so isn't allowed :'(

Urgh...

Anyway, I went away feeling rather confused, which has just gotten worse through the week. I remember having bladder infections A LOT when I was being abused, but never spoke out as too scared... But... I was remember having them long before then when my dad was still at home - I remember going to my parents room in agony, they responded by simply covering me in sudocream...

But it doesn't make sense... why waa it so bad then? When I 1st disclosed sexual abuse to my mum, she was shocked it was a family friend... She had thought all those years my father had been sexually abusing me. Now I just don't know - what if he had? It would make sense... I remember him sitting on me to control me... What if it went further? I just wish I knew definitively - in some ways I wish I'd have flashbacks so I could piece it together, but this is pre verbal stuff - I didn't talk til I was nearly 4!!! I have auditory, sensory & emotional flashbacks from this time, but it just isn't enough. I need to know. I'm ib tears just thinking about it...

 

[Venusian]

Maggiemay, I am sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like not knowing when you know deep down that something did. I am 48 and only in the past 2 years the memories are returning and I am starting to make sense of my past. I still don't remember everything and I have to go from there, it is a process. I know what I know and by working on what I do know more memories start to come back. I hope that makes sense.

I don't understand why your therapist does not want to work on past stuff. Is that a boundary that you set or did she? If it is something that you set and you brought up the subject why would she shut you down instead of help you through the flashbacks? For me, it is confronting the past was the only way that I could work past the flashbacks. It wasn't easy and still isn't. It can get worse before it gets better, but it does get better. Knowing that going in makes a difference. You have to be ready for it.

I have auditory, sensory & emotional flashbacks from this time, but it just isn't enough.

It sounds like you think you may be ready. You should talk to your therapist about it.

I started to get flashbacks and memories returning when I was also developing asthma. My trauma included some breathing difficulties and the symptoms of the asthma mimiced the trauma. I have had bladder infections, bad ones and I know how painful they can be if they are not treated early. Perhaps it was the early symptoms that you didn't consciously notice that triggered your flashbacks.

I hope you get some answers. (((Maggiemay))) hugs if you want them.

 

[intothelight]

I started talking about it in therapy on Monday, but she closed down the conversation pretty quickly as she said that she needed to respect the boundary that talking about the past made things worse so isn't allowed :'(

Maggiemay,

Sometimes a therapist won't allow trauma processing until they feel a client is stable enough to handle the fall out from the processing. It would be a good idea to talk to therapist as to why she has set this boundary. If it is an issue of stability, ask her what the plan is in regard to this issue.

Sorry you are experiencing a bladder infection, and I hope you feel better soon.

Debbie

 

[safenow]

It makes no sense to me that your therapist won't allow you to talk about what you are feeling. That is not really past, that is now. I am not understanding that boundary she has set for you. But then, I don't know all the circumstances.

I can remember, as a child, I had a lot of urinary track infections. That was how my second step-mother learned I was not a virgin. She didn't want me to begin with, but when she learned that, she had a reason to send me away. Hell, I was barely even 9 years old. What did she think, I ran around the neighborhood picking up men?

Have you talked to your medical doctor about what is going on? Since PTSD can cause a lot of different medical issues, I wonder if somehow they are related? Just a thought. I think I'd pressure my therapist, if they didn't want to allow me to discuss what is going through my mind. After all, isn't it her job to help you separate truth of error so you can heal properly?

 

[Maggiemay]

*cries*

Thankyou for your kindness and acceptance - it means A LOT!

I'm turning 29 in a week... Can't believe I'm nearly 30 and still have no security in life... I have a job, yes, but even that doesn't feel secure anymore and I've turned a positive meeting with my boss into him wanting me out. :'( Urgh!

Between the ages of 12 and 20 I had total dissociative amnesia - I couldn't remember the abuse even happened, then when I spiralled into depression at 20, whilst at uni, I was flooded and overwhelmed with flashbacks, which at the time I had no understanding of and got rid of them through self-harming. It was only about a year ago when I started developing severe anxiety and started seeing therapist that I started unpicking the flashbacks and using them to piece together my past. I managed to write 13 pages describing my life - it was shocking to see it all in black and white, but gave me some sense of order amoungst the chaos. But, now that's all been turned on its head... *Sigh*

Before I started seeing my current therapist, I saw clinical lead for this service (I'd had therapy with him 8 yrs ago when I was ill before). He said that he wanted to stabalise me, rather than make things worse and I needed an experienced therapist to spot the signs that I was deteriorating and reliving/processing would have to stop. This happened after just 2 appointments :'( URGH!! Stupid body!!! :'( It's like my mind wants one thing, and my body wants another :'( When I told her in reaction to dislosing stuff to her I ended up having acute flashbacks again, she responded by saying I couldn't see her for 2 weeks and then when I did, that's how she reacted when I started disclosing again... :( She just said I was doing well and had a lots of strategies, which sure isn't what it feels like :'(

I desperately miss working with my old T, but only way I could seeher now would be if I went private which isn't likely :'( I *still*, 6 months on, haven't applied for DLA (Disabled Living Allowance) as feel totally unworth and unjustified as I appear to function well as I'm back at work, despite having a wealth of letters and evidence to say otherwise... :'( But if I did recieve it, I could use that money to see her maybe fornightly/monthly - it costs £80 a time!!! Although she said I could see her for free/discounted cost, it doesn't seem right... :(

I am more than ready to deal and process my traumas, but because I have physical complications as a result of PTSD & also have Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP), which complicates things as I have more intense reactions, people are more than a little reluctant to work with me :'( After I was 1st diagnosed with complexPTSD back in Sept, the psych suggested the best service for me was the traumatic stress service, but despite an incredibly detailed referral letter which I wrote together with my T at the time, they rejected me saying I was too complex, unstable, frustrated and needed to work on relationships rather than trauma focussed CBT or EMDR, which are the 2 forms of therapy that could potentially fix me... :'(

I hate it, no one wants to help me - NHS is supposed to be a caring profession but all I have experienced is one rejection after another... :'( HATE it!!!!!

You may well be right about infection triggering flashbacks rather than the other way round - I'm sure they're linked despite my GP thinking I'm made to think so!!

Answers sure would be good right now! *sigh* Thanx for the hugs too! ;) xxx

 

[Maggiemay]

Sometimes a therapist won't allow trauma processing until they feel a client is stable enough to handle the fall out from the processing. It would be a good idea to talk to therapist as to why she has set this boundary. If it is an issue of stability, ask her what the plan is in regard to this issue.

I don't think she ever plans to help me with processing now, as it's deamed 'too triggery' :'( On one level it's what I desperately want and need and will do anything to resolve all of this, but on another level, it leaves me so vulnerable and fragile... :'(

Have you talked to your medical doctor about what is going on? Since PTSD can cause a lot of different medical issues, I wonder if somehow they are related

My Dr has been really good over the last year - it'sonly now I've gone back to seeing him monthly, I was seeing him weekly for a LONG time, if not twice weekly!! :( PTSD symptoms have made me VERY physically poorly in lots of ways - I've now got acid reflux/sinus tachycardia/black outs/non-epileptic seziures to name a few of the physical manifestations -- I used to be very healthy, but not anymore, I'm on a cocktail of meds to even try and function. :'(

I've just had enough of continually fighting. It's been over a year now and it feels like things are going backwards, not forwards. I desperately, desperately miss my old T and feel since I've stopped seeing her I'm in limbo - no one else is brave enough to support me in the way she did :( I want her back so badly!!

xx

 

[Venusian]

(((Maggiemay))) reading through your post it sounds like you do have a therapist that is trying to help. It may take longer than you want. I know first hand what it is like when you think you are ready to move ahead but it really isn't.

A little over a month ago I had a flashback and learned a whole new aspect of what happened to me. Trying to deal with new memories can be retraumatizing if you go about it the wrong way. It can throw you so far back that it begins to feel hopeless. I knew in my head what I went through, I know it happened, but have I really processed the experience? I don't think I have. To be honest with myself, I keep minimizing it. When I say what happened, what I remember feeling, it sounds overwhelming. When I think about it, it happened, I am here, I survived, but the part of my mind that sees a glimpse of the horrible pain I went through, I stuff it down, I refuse to remember it. It still leaks through and I don't know if I can handle all the implications that it will bring up. I am dealing with chronic pain now and I think that what I went through as a child is where the chronic pain originated. So it is very triggering.

I would really encourage you to talk to your therapist about everything you are feeling. Even though you think you are ready to process the trauma, there may be reasons why your therapist wants to take it slowly. Therapy is all communication by both of you. Maybe she doesn't know that you are at a point where you think some trauma work could be beneficial and you don't know what she is thinking. I make that mistake a lot, I assume I know what other people are feeling and I am usually wrong.

Maggiemay, patience and PTSD do not always coexist well but patience is what is needed in therapy. Everyone takes the path to healing at a different rate but it is a marathon, it is never a sprint. I learned that the hard way.:hug:

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks so much for your kind words Venusian :)

I know she's doing what's best & re-living work last year made me very ill - definitely left me re-tramatised. But, I'm desperate as only got until 18th March then my time is up with her :( Doesn't seem long at all- stupid NHS!!! I'm seriously considering going back to see my old therapist (T) privately - she really got me in a way I feel current T really doesn't...

 

[Pietro]

I have had several therapists -- PhD's -- who argued that focusing so much on the past wasn't going to help as much as working on the present. I tried to explain to them that I didn't want to focus on the past, for its own sake, but because it was interfering with my ability to deal with the present. Eventually, once I realized that I was dealing with PTSD of some sort, I found a therapist who specialized in this.

My current therapist is exactly like what everyone else has described -- she advocates going slowly. She won't help me "go faster" or force anything. And I have been through enough, now, to understand why. However, she does NOT put me off, and if I'm in distress, she helps me work through it. Sounds like the "clinical lead" you mentioned did understand what you need.

In short, I believe that there are many therapists who simply don't understand PTSD -- specifically, that it doesn't easily respond to the same techniques used for other issues. That the only way to "cure" oneself is through cognitive recognition and analysis of your issues. These all certainly have their place, but PTSD often requires other work to even get to a place where you can do these things. We all want to believe that, if someone has the credential or the title, they must know what they're doing. However, like the physical areas of medicine, psychology also has many different sub-categories that sometimes require a specialist.

If you feel that your current therapist is not meeting your needs, you should find someone who can, someone who specializes in what you need. Perhaps the complexity of your case, which you mentioned, make this more difficult, but it doesn't mean that you don't deserve to get good and appropriate treatment!