It Happened. Now What?

[mytai]

I can't. I can't even do this. My fears, my fears about Christmas happened. Clearly all my anxiety prior to coming was for a reason. It happened. Again, it happened again. I made it almost 2 days safe, I only had 1 more to go before I could go home to the safety of my apartment over an hour away. I'm going to lose it. I just can't keep it together. He got me.

 

[Ghostybear73]

You can do this, you have survived before, you can do it again. You have to fight!! Are you safe right now?

 

[mytai]

@Ghostybear73 I can't this time. I just can't keep going. He promised that the last time was the last, that he would leave me alone. I had to trust that and believe him. It happened and I can't remember how. :cry: I'm so stupid. I had to have done something stupid. Clearly I left the house but I don't remember leaving. Stupid stupid stupid. I can't, I just can't do this.

 

[littlelostchild]

Are you feeling grounded, @mytai?

You've got this, you can do it!

 

[littlelostchild]

You are not stupid!!! What do you need right now?

 

[Ghostybear73]

Yes you can. We all make what you would call "stupid" mistakes. You can't blame yourself for that, we are human and we want to believe and trust in other human beings, even if they have wronged us before. I am with you and understand....please keep fighting. I decided to keep fighting another day...I hope we can do this together.

 

[mytai]

@littlelostchild No I'm not feeling grounded. I don't want to be grounded. I want to be numb. I want to forget. I don't want to feel anything. I want to be numb and fall asleep and not wake up tomorrow. I need to not remember. I need to not be here anymore. I need to not feel like my heart is exploding from my chest.

What do you call me if I'm not stupid? Clearly I had to have put myself in danger, even if I don't remember how I had to have. Because up until this happened I remained in the house and didn't leave. I followed my T's plan for me for the holidays until this point.

 

[mytai]

@Ghostybear73 I'm remembering the things I really don't want to know. I don't want to remember this. I want to forget. I need to. It's going to kill me. I just can't do this. I don't know how to keep going.

 

[littlelostchild]

Mytai we don't understand why we do everything that we do, but I do know that you are a survivor.

What relaxation technique do you find works well

 

[Ghostybear73]

Remembering is the only way to healing. I have put myself back into dangerous positions over and over an I feel the same way. But truthfully, were not stupid, were human. Let's take this from a different view. Can we make a non suicide pact? I will continue to fight through life if you do. That would be one of the hardest things for me to do, but I'm willing if it would help both of us.

 

[Ghostybear73]

You are in a terrible position right now and its not going to get easier right away. It takes time to heal a wound. Do you have a crisis line that you can call?

 

[mytai]

@littlelostchild I'm trying to cycle through everything my T has taught me until something helps.

@Ghostybear73 Remembering is dangerous right now. I feel like to go another day I need to forget. I don't know of any crisis lines for Canada that are still active this time of night, it's midnight here. There are ones for the US but they don't work in Canada.