It Happened. Now What?

[digger]

Playing devils advocate a bit @mytai - you've just said no one has contact with him. How do you know that for sure? Do your family know you have contact with him? Or someone outside of the family, or from his wife's side...

I'm not saying you should report him for anyone else's sake and I don't want you to feel guilty - you need to do the best thing for you right now. But you have injuries this time which equals evidence.

Branding his initials into you the first time was risky enough with you being so young and still at home, doing it a second time ... well - the guy is clearly dangerous and either doesn't care about being caught, or more likely delusional that he never will be or extremely confidant that you'll never tell. What possible explanation could there be for your uncle branding you that isn't abusive?

You owe him nothing, you owe yourself freedom from this man.

 

[mytai]

I guess I don't know 100% for sure @digger1 I only know that is what I have been told in the past. And no, my family does not know that he still has contact with me.

You want to know what the police said to me when I told them about the first branding incident? That since his initials also happen to be my first and middle name initials that I could have just done it to myself. I've had physical evidence before, cuts, bruises, broken bones, but since I used to self-harm and have the scars to show it these injuries are thrown back on me. They say that for all they know they are self-inflicted wounds/injuries. That's the explanation the police have used on me. Great right?

He's extremely confident because he has never been charged. He's confident because he knows the police told me to stop filing reports, and that they don't take me seriously. He's confident because he knows that unless he abuses someone new and they go forward that he will never have to face the consequences of what he chooses to do.

 

[digger]

:( sorry I thought from what you said before about there being other cases that he'd been reported before by other people too and charged.

I guess if you can face it then evidence from a hospital exam is the only way forward then, but I completely understand why you might not be able to do that. I couldn't.

I really hope you will at least find a way to deal with this in therapy x

 

[mytai]

@digger1 He was reported by other people, however they dropped the charges (the people who filed the report). So unless someone other than myself comes forward with new abuse the local police won't do anything about it.

I think if I actually had a support system, someone I knew and trusted to go with me I could do the exam without being knocked out. But without that, I tried to go, and I panicked and left before the doctor and nurse came back.

 

[digger]

Sorry, I haven't been able to read through all the responses so it may have been suggested already. Plus I don't know what services are available near you, but victim support or rape crisis or something similar would provide you with someone to be with you at the hospital in some places.

 

[mytai]

@digger1 It's been suggested, I contact a rape crisis line, but not about having someone come with me. For me personally, a nurse would be able to provide the same "support" that someone from a victim support place could.

 

[digger]

For me personally, a nurse would be able to provide the same "support" that someone from a victim support place could.

True. I was just thinking someone from victim support or rape crisis would have more understanding of how you might be feeling.

 

[Abstract]

You certainly should be putting your own needs and preferences as the only consideration here. You have more than enough on your plate already.

This is entirely your decision and I don't want to add more stress. What is right for each of us is different and you are the only you. I just wanted to say that I know someone who works in victims support and not only is she passionate about protecting those harmed but she is knowledgeable about the system. I do think having someone with you who is your special protector and advocate will feel totally different to a nurse in the hospital who may have no knowledge or understanding. I understand it isn't the same as a friend but this is what these people do and they would not do the job if they didn't care.

I would also like to go and thunk those police over the head for you by the way.

The only reason I keep pushing a little is that as awful as this is now it has to be better than you ending up in this situation again. In the short time I have known you I believe you have had 3 traumas from this "man". You also have one advantage. If you find the right type of evidence there is no excusing it away by saying it is consensual because of the relationship to him.

I understand that you must feel hopeless about doing anything because of how you have been let down.

Much support to you.

 

[mytai]

@Abstract I will see if I can give it another try tonight. I will see if I can get someone from victims services or the rape crisis centre to go with me.

I have had 3 "recent" traumas from him, but there are years and years of this.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I hope you don't give up on justice and safety for yourself. It still doesn't matter what the police think. Cops can be some of the worst people when it comes to dealing with abuse reports. Forget what they said. Those comments were ignorant and a sign of a lazy investigator.

With an advocate's help, I'd report it anyway. If they fail to investigate it, go to their head boss. In our community, it was the Mayor. When the police were harassing me, I kept reporting it up the chain of command until someone took me seriously. They got into huge trouble, and now the police treat me with perfect respect and politeness, at least to my face. I don't care what they say behind my back.

I worked in an ER as a paramedic/ER tech and dealt with far too many cases like this. The ER nurse is charged with your physical care, evidence collection, and documentation. If an ER gets busy, that nurse may have to attend to a life-threatening case and leave the room. Because that nurse must act as a witness should it be required by law, the nurses must remain neutral and analytical so any show of emotion, no matter how well-meaning, can't be used against a victim later.

A victim services person is there solely to attend to you and your emotional needs, help you understand your choices, and provide advocacy in the face of ignorance. A police officer would be unlikely to be such a jerk in front of an advocate who is up on the law. Any law enforcement professional who acts less than professionally in front of advocates can soon find themselves on the receiving end of very difficult questions.

I noticed you mentioned that nobody in your family knows you still have contact with him. Of course he benefits from that secret. Yet, you mentioned that you are sure he has no contact with others. It's highly likely he does yet doesn't do it where you or others would be made aware of it. Predators work in secret, making their victims feel isolated and like they are the only ones. They work to make their victims compliant so they won't be likely to shed sunlight on their dark behavior.

You know you're not his only victim, just perhaps the strongest one. You know the truth, that's what matters. Reporting him isn't going to get justice, probably, but it can be a very empowering act which does show a pattern of behavior. Should anyone come forward, it'll be easier to nail him.

Whatever you decide to do, you have many options, and support from your therapist. You get to decide how you want this situation to be different than the last time. Trust yourself.

 

[mytai]

If an ER gets busy, that nurse may have to attend to a life-threatening case and leave the room.

I will make sure to contact victims services then if I can convince myself to go back tonight. Thanks for that information, I didn't know they might need to leave.

I noticed you mentioned that nobody in your family knows you still have contact with him. Of course he benefits from that secret.

No one knows because no one cares. My own parents refuse to acknowledge that this has happened - that's hurtful.

but it can be a very empowering act

It's only empowering when someone believes you and tries to help, whether they can or can't it's the effort to help that matters. The police shut me down and made everything seem like my fault, or that I did it to myself... that's not empowering at all.

 

[Britt.f7]

@mytai you are worth so much more then this incident or any of the previous incidents. You are worth more then this man, he doesn't deserve to be called anyone's uncle, is saying or showing you. You can not go back until you are strong enough to not be victim to this torturer. Whatever excuse you need, we will come up with. You deserve more.

I hope you were able to get checked. I know it is hard. I've been sedated during a pap smear before for similar reasons. Maybe the anti anxiety, in shot form, will work better and quicker then if in pill form.

I am soooo sorry this happened to you. I wish there was something I could do for you right this moment. Please know you are not alone. People are here for you that do believe you.